Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Self Care

10/23/2019

We hear the term so often nowadays: Self-Care. We're just not taking the time to make time with ourselves... We're not talking about the old-fashioned tradition of Rosie Palm and Her Five Sisters. Pffft... We're talking about a jacuzzi, for "the boys."

There is a for-real product available on December 9th just for the boys, er, dudes-- the Testicuzzi. "One dunk of the boys into this fine testicle jacuzzi is sure to tickle your fancy and soothe your manliness.

Instead of a partner's face, or some rando coffee mug, you can tea-bag this. For just $39.95. Or the $10,000 limited-edition gold-plated version.

That's just nuts...

Bang Up Job

10/15/2019

There's nothing worse than getting thieved. Thieves should be publicly slapped. Get a J-O-B and then buy your own stuff! But this thief got what he wanted?

A North Carolina residence was robbed of jewelry, coins, and... a 12-inch electric vibrating wand, for funsies...

So. Many. Questions:

So, were these items all hangin' out with each other in the nightstand drawer?
Or was this an inside job, so to speak? Because the items stolen were quite specific.
Was the vibrating item mistaken for another type of massager?
Was said item used?

Hide your women. Hide your children. Hide your "toys"...

Un-Satisfied Customer

10/9/2019

The customer is always right. At least that's how so many people try to justify their rude-ass behavior to anyone in the service industry. But I digress. Customer satisfaction is important, even when you're buying the services of a prostitute.

Michael Pratt decided to spend some time with a pro at a Baton Rouge motel-- rightfully named Shades. But he didn't feel he got what he paid for, so he asked for his money back. If that's not bad enough, this tale (or is it tail?) takes another turn when the hooker than called police to complain that her client asked for his money back, and because the 61-year-old "got aggressive."

Police arrived to the shady motel and arrested the dude for soliciting prostitution, while the said prostitute was arrested for hooker-ing and drug-related charges.

Must be hard to find good service these days...

Ballin'

10/2/2019

Men don't need humans (or furry friends-- just sayin;) when there's a ball for all-- the Masturball.

The Optimum Power Masturball looks like a Magic 8 Ball, but with internal grippy things for your grippy thing. Just put your sausage in the ball and pretend like you're scrubbin'-off some skank juice. There are 10 different settings, so you can set it and go, so to speak.

Find your latest self-love device on Amazon for $79.99.

P.S. You know the price should've been $69.99, right? LOL

Terrible Tunas

9/4/2019

It's challenging enough being a college student. There's fear of the "Freshman 15". There's fear of STDs. There's fear of having the ability to survive a frat party without being arrested. And now, foul fish.

A new study has found that college students may be OD-ing on tuna. Students are eating so much Chicken of the Sea (and other canned tunas) that they're risking mercury poisoning. Half of students surveyed are eating tuna at least three times a week. A crazy 7% are eating 20 tuna-based meals a week.

Gag.

You're better off with Ramen poisoning. Or Easy Mac overload. WTH is wrong with our youth? LOL

PhallicSee

3/13/2019

One: I've never been a fan of HOAs. I think it serves some purpose, but really is a giant, expensive waste... and in this case-- a pain in the booty.

Two: It's amazing that people hear what they want to hear, and SEE what they want to see.

I thought this story was a joke at first because it was so ridiculous. But it's 100% true. A woman in Tennessee was fined by her HOA for the "rooster" she left on the ground.

No. She didn't drop a battery-operated device on the ground, nor did she "Lorena Bobbitt" someone. See, it snowed a little. And this woman's car left behind un-snowed on ground in the shape of an alleged ween. The offense car-pee-pee draw-er received this email:

"We are emailing you in regards to a recent incident involving your car... We have received reports that it is in violation of our by-laws. We have photographic evidence regarding this fact. Please know that you will be fined $100 in accordance with regards to our by-laws about displaying offensive images or slogans."

WTF?

Perhaps if the HOA cozied up to a Richard or two, it might not be so offended. The HOA overturned its decision, thankfully. But only after it concluded that the snowfall and unfortunate shape that resulted were not the homeowner's (nor the car's) fault.

Really. I know.

Dyno-miiiiite!

9/12/2018

I'm not a fan of taper candles. First, I don't own a candelabra-thingie. Second, I've always had the fear that if I did own and light a taper candle it would fall over and set me and the house on fire. Not fun.

But I'm pretty sure I do know the difference between a taper candle and a stick of dynamite. And there are distinguishable differences. I suppose being in the dark might obscure one's sight and brain.

A Connecticut woman severely burned her hand and face after she lit a quarter stick of dynamite. See, the power went out. She needed light, and thought it was a candle...

She and her husband found the dynamite in the basement. It was left behind by a previous owner (supposedly). I guess these two didn't have traditional flashlights, nor a flashlight on a smart phone? Or maybe they're just super embarrassed they both didn't know what dynamite looks like, lit it and jacked her face? You've never seen the Roadrunner and all his ACME devices?

Sadly, these two have reproduced.

P.S. Have these two never set foot inside a Yankee Candle?

Old Wine Skins

8/22/2018

On one hand, I desire to emulate this behavior when I reach my golden years; on the other, I'm horrified. The visual is just mind-searing.

Ponder this: one old lady + box of wine = drunk & topless

When you've got a hankering for some refreshment, grab your favorite box of wine, take off your top, and drink away! Mary Ellen Stewart-- 81-years-young-- was caught shirtless, sitting on a park bench (Aqualung?) drinking from the spout-- which was held high above her head.

When officers approached the topless obliterated octogenarian, she wasn't having any of that.

"(she) began to shake the box intentionally towards deputies."

No, Granny Gin-- that's alcohol abuse! She's been charged with disorderly intoxication.

While wine gets better with time, the "hanging baskets" do not...

#36long

The End.

7/11/2018

Our government processes are wonderful. There's the Sunshine Law, and the whole address-city/county council thing is groovy.

In the beautiful state of Kansas, a man patiently waited for his moment to shine at Lawrence Town Hall. An important grievance needed aired:

Happy endings.

Not the Happy Ending Sundae from Friendly's.

Mr. Spanky wants "happy endings" legalized. Check this out:

Nope!

Massage my feet. My back. My neck. The only person I want "kneading the muffin" is my S. O.

Massage the U.S. and South America. Leave Mexico out of it.

Anywho, two questions I have:

1. Could you get a prescription from a doctor? That would help.

2. If the "rooster" isn't a muscle, per se, then why would it need massaged? Did you pull it? Does it ache? Is it over-extended?

Maybe he'll run for mayor of Austintown...

Banana in the Tailpipe

6/27/2018

It's like that scene in Beverly Hills Cop, but with a twist. A randy twist.

There are so many options when one is feeling amorous. So many non-arrestable options. Find someone. Use "Rosy". A pie sitting on the kitchen table-- whatevs. But a car tailpipe?

Proving once again that alcohol clouds one's judgement, a 23-year-old Kansas man was busted while "breaking one off" in the tailpipe of a car outside his apartment complex. What in the actual hell!?!?

Questions. I have them.

1. What kind of tantric-sex-yoga-flex-armstrong shizz are you into that you're able to make a connection with a tailpipe?

2. "Happy fun time" is more pleasurable when your "plug-in" is soft and inviting.

3. Did you get a tetanus shot?

I can just hear the sweet talk now:

"I'm gonna bang the rust right off of you..."

P.S. His BAC was four (4) times the legal limit.

P.P.S. Police tased him. Cuz the hose would've been useless.