Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel

ASSault Rifle

4/28/2021

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

Guns may soon be banned, but how do you ban this weapon of ass destruction? Literally, how do you ban someone's ass?

Because apparently in Austria-- your backside is an automatic weapon. Last June, a man known as Mr. AB made headlines after being fined $600 for farting at a police officer. Mr. AB and his buddies were sitting on a park bench (Jethro Tull?) when police approached and questioned them. So, Mr. AB lifted a butt cheek and let one fly, which the officer felt was intentionally aimed at him. In court, Mr. AB tried to claim his fart was free speech, but the judge wasn't buying it. He did reduce the man's fine-- because he had no record.

Teachable moment-- a fart is just wind, but don't aim your cheeks at anyone. Got it.

I'm actually pretty impressed that this guy can fart at-will, on command.

Flying V

12/9/2020

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

You really are "flying the friendly skies" with this flight attendant. Cuz she's offering more than a bag of peanuts on your trip. How 'bout some panties-- used or unused?

via GIPHY

A British Airways air hostess took some risque photos while in uniform, while in-flight to lure prospective customers with her extra services. For a mere $30 one can own her panties; for $66 (What? No '69') you can meet up with per post-flight:

"If you ever want adult entertainment on-board, all you have to do is give me a sum of money and you'll be treated to a whole (or is that hole) different experience of your choice"

While some are calling her a prostitute (So properly British. I'd call her a Mile High Ho), others are saying this is an example of how staff can't afford to live off of their wages from the airline.

Some airlines she could work for:
jetBlo
Queefer Airways
Areola Float
All Nipple Airways
Aer (cuni)Lingus
Southoftheborder Airlines

Dearly Departed Dolly

10/28/2020

It's sad when you lose someone so close to you: a friend; a family member; a lover. Especially since you may have horny-cided your "lover" into an early grave. Imagine a funeral service for your sex doll.

via GIPHY

A smart Japanese entrepreneur/artist is catering to heartsick solo-ish artists by holding memorial services for a measly $800.

"Many love them as if they were human members of the family... (and) don't want them to be shredded as garbage."

For that $800, your loved-on one will be placed in a casket, swaddled in burial attire (thank goodness), and adorned with garlands.

Is it tacky to bring your new blow-up buddy to the funeral?

Bummed

10/21/2020

Taxes. We all hate them. Not one person I know has ever been pumped about paying taxes. Some people try to evade payment in many ways. Like smuggling goods into their home country to avoid taxes. But 99.999999% of the time, they get busted. In this case, I actually feel badly for the airport security team who had to deal with this fool who felt hisrear storage unit would help him pull a fast one on India's version of Uncle Sam.

A man was caught with $60,000 worth of gold bullion... in his bum.

via GIPHY

Dude was all walking funny, which drew some attention. And then the sh&t was all over. At least the gold wasn't in nugget form. More like accommodating strips... to slip in an out of hiding easier. Vurp.

And apparently, someone else on the same flight tried to avoid getting their gold taxed. No word on where they hid their loot. Look, unless your exit strategy is lined in titanium, you're gonna get caught.

P.S. Is this why pirates call their haul booty? #BlameCaptainJack

P. P. S. I'd take this butt gold and try to sell it as a new thing called "chocolate gold". Get it? #badpun

Test Drive

9/16/2020

You wouldn't buy a house without looking at it first, and you certainly wouldn't buy a car without giving it a spin. With that train of thought, why wouldn't you try out a sex toy first?

via GIPHY

Yup. Trying out a taco-stuffer. In. The. Store.

A 36-year-old Florida woman (that explains everything) was raised right. You know-- try it on for size before you take it home. That works with clothing... clothing! The woman fancied a pink-colored, phallus-shaped toy, took it into the employee store room, dropped trou, and decided to see if this one fits "just right".

The item "stolen" was valued at $45.98. I'm assuming her pee pee friend will be waiting for her after she resolves her misdemeanor larceny and indecent exposure charges...

P.S. At least she kept her shirt on during the test drive.

P.P.S. Maybe she thinks she's Goldicocks...

Snake Charmer

9/9/2020

And for my next trick, I pull a 4-foot snake out of my mouth!

via GIPHY

Doctors had to remove the reptile from the woman's mouth. They say it must've gotten there that one time she slept outdoors and it slinked into her mouth.

Uh-huh.

We're not buying this rattled tail. Lemme tell ya, if someone tries to stick something in my mouth, it would wake me up in an instant. We're to believe this 4-foot long snake slithered down her throat and hid somewhere for a while before she then felt sick and realized something was wrong?

Or did she accidentally "sit on it" like that dude in China "accidentally" sat on an eel?

Methinks she was getting some practice for her OnlyFans account. Or perhaps she was planning the choreography for her instructional video on places you can put snakes.

P.S. She didn't gag when the snake slithered into her mouth... She's a keeper, guys!

Smacked

7/29/2020

Pretending like you're Adam & Eve will get you in a garden of pain if you're not careful, cuz granny ain't having it...

via GIPHY

Lady Irina was just taking a stroll when she noticed some bushes moving. Well, of course, she panicked. It could be a mugger! Instead, the bushes were shaking because a couple was amongst the bush. Out of nowhere, Lady Irina brandished a wooden plank and started beating the Stoli out of them-- while cursing in Russian about how the two should be ashamed of themselves for playing outdoors. Yup, it was a double booty-beating for these two all caught on video.

Lady Irina should turn her justice into rubles. I'm sure there's a website or 1,000 she could submit to...

Air Johnson

5/27/2020

Maybe our cars are more fuel efficient if we drive them naked...

via GIPHY

I'm trying to think of a good reason so many fools drive without clothes on, but when it comes right down to it-- they're just pervs. Case in point. Justin Mosser of Florida (not surprising). A female motorist called 911 after she noticed Mosser was "wrestling his junk" while at a stoplight. After giving police a detailed description... of his vehicle... Mosser was under surveillance. Less than 24 hours later, Mr. Wrangler exposed himself to the undercover officer tailing him. His reason for displaying his fruit bowl?

It gets hot and I need to "air it out".

Get a crotch fan and leave your raisins in your pants!

Teenie & Terrific!

3/25/2020

Though men have historically skewed the measurement system to their advantage, not every man has a python in his pants. So why not celebrate the neolate!

via GIPHY

That's right! Teenie Weenies are getting a small standing ovation via the new dating app:Dinky One.

The goal is to "normalize" men whose fruit bowl contains a plantain and not a banana.

"There are (those) who just prefer a smaller penis for comfort reasons... smaller men tend to compensate for size with additional skills..."

Dong is in the eye of the beholder... and that may really be true... what?

Social Dickstancing

3/18/2020

While most of us are practicing "social distancing" so we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from the Coronabitch, others, well...

One Florida (shocking) couple threw caution to the wind. And their pants. Because when a randy moment strikes...

via GIPHY

The two were bumping uglies in front of a hospital, in plain view of everyone. Gag. From the police report, dude's:

"penis, testicles, and buttocks were displayed within view of nearby citizens."

Was this in celebration of a negative Coronavirus diagnosis? Was it because they were hosting a two-person "let's purposely get COVID-19 party"?

Perhaps he was offering to sanitize her front storage unit...

P.S. Why isn't it ever people we'd want to see naked getting naked?

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ASSault Rifle

Flying V

Dearly Departed Dolly

Bummed

Test Drive

Snake Charmer

Smacked

Air Johnson

Teenie & Terrific!

Social Dickstancing

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