Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

The End.

7/11/2018

Our government processes are wonderful. There's the Sunshine Law, and the whole address-city/county council thing is groovy.

In the beautiful state of Kansas, a man patiently waited for his moment to shine at Lawrence Town Hall. An important grievance needed aired:

Happy endings.

Not the Happy Ending Sundae from Friendly's.

Mr. Spanky wants "happy endings" legalized. Check this out:

Nope!

Massage my feet. My back. My neck. The only person I want "kneading the muffin" is my S. O.

Massage the U.S. and South America. Leave Mexico out of it.

Anywho, two questions I have:

1. Could you get a prescription from a doctor? That would help.

2. If the "rooster" isn't a muscle, per se, then why would it need massaged? Did you pull it? Does it ache? Is it over-extended?

Maybe he'll run for mayor of Austintown...

Banana in the Tailpipe

6/27/2018

It's like that scene in Beverly Hills Cop, but with a twist. A randy twist.

There are so many options when one is feeling amorous. So many non-arrestable options. Find someone. Use "Rosy". A pie sitting on the kitchen table-- whatevs. But a car tailpipe?

Proving once again that alcohol clouds one's judgement, a 23-year-old Kansas man was busted while "breaking one off" in the tailpipe of a car outside his apartment complex. What in the actual hell!?!?

Questions. I have them.

1. What kind of tantric-sex-yoga-flex-armstrong shizz are you into that you're able to make a connection with a tailpipe?

2. "Happy fun time" is more pleasurable when your "plug-in" is soft and inviting.

3. Did you get a tetanus shot?

I can just hear the sweet talk now:

"I'm gonna bang the rust right off of you..."

P.S. His BAC was four (4) times the legal limit.

P.P.S. Police tased him. Cuz the hose would've been useless.

Disappearing Dick

6/20/2018

Say goodbye to Dick. Spotted Dick, that is.

The British-birthed dessert that's made all us juveniles-at-heart snicker has been renamed to: Spotted Richard.

Michael Fabricant, Lichfield's Conservative MP is not pleased with these developments:

"Call a dick a dick, I say!"

Well, that's my life philosophy... but we're talking about desserts here.

In case you are unaware, Spotted Dick is a steamed suet pudding containing dried fruit and most likely originated in the middle of the 19th Century. The "spotted" part refers to the currants, which look like spots; the "dick" part is derived from the word dough.

Who cares if the dessert is named Spotted Dick. I'm upset because in our American translation, this is false advertising! I expect to see some spotted phallic thingie on my plate for my consumption. Don't tell me dough is dick and now I'm thinking doughnuts are "dicknuts." Then there's "cookie dick ice cream", "pizza dick".... nooooo!

Just leave your dick alone, would ya?

Out of Gas

6/6/2018

We've all had a "boss from hell". But this. THIS is like Michael Scott x100 in a very wrong way.

Imagine working in an environment in which nipple-pinching and fart-trapping were common....

A former employee of a Texas car dealership is suing said dealership and his ex-boss for all kinds of assault and defamation of character:

"(the boss) He reinforced dominance over his subordinates by regularly entering their enclosed offices, intentionally passing gas and then laughing as they were forced to breathe soiled air."

But(t) it gets worse. This whore pooper sent out the victim's photo and a fabricated text to employees:

"Keep your children safe. You are receiving this because there may be a risk of sex offender activity in your area."

Dude said his ex-boss was constantly trying to exert his dominance... What's next? Tinkling on employees to mark 'em as his?

Your boss may be bad, but be grateful he/she's not trying to mount you. Unless that's what you want... and then you're on your own.

Pull The Plug...

5/30/2018

God bless the men and women that serve us as firefighters. Seriously. They've made a conscious decision to risk their lives to run into a situation we all run from. And the firefighters in Germany are being asked to endure so much more. They're receiving extensive training on the removal of butt plugs and penis rings.

You read that correctly. Butt plugs. Penis rings. Because the Germans need their bratwursts and rump roasts accentuated.

The course, translated into English, is entitled: Mechanical Failure. And this is serious business, because this is a delicate situation to find oneself in.

After practicing on dummies and watching videos, and learning the tools of the trade-- removal/rescue should only take 15 minutes.

I have a friend who's an EMS dude. I've heard stories. I know this training is America-bound. I can only imagine the need for way deeper training, so to speak, in this country.

You Get An "F"

5/16/2018

Weren't we all taught that first impressions matter? Apparently, this tampon sucker failed that lesson. But he is an A+ assh*le when it comes to chauvinism.

He thought his plan was soooo awesome-- see if this woman I love is good "wife" material by testing her housekeeping skills. He purposely left empty containers, half-consumed beverage boxes and bags all over his bachelor pad. By the way, this was the first time she'd ever been to his place. Guess what? This horrible excuse for a woman didn't lift a finger to clean up!

"I invited my girlfriend for the first time ever at my place & I was extremely disappointed to be honest, she came this morning & left without even washing dishes let alone some cleaning. I thought this one was actually wife material but she entirely failed this girlfriending test."

Get those pearls on, take those shoes off, and get in the kitchen!

Needless to say, the not-wifey-material dumped him after seeing his post on social media.

Here's a test for you, dude. Multiple choice:

Who's the biggest wangus limpous in the world?

A. You

B. You

C. You

All males of the world, unite! Take his "man card" away, permanently.

P.S. You're going to have to retake the human test again.

P.P.S. I'd like to kick your balls through your nose.

Wee Willie Winkie

5/9/2018

Having good neighbors is crucial to a happy life. I've had questionable neighbors in the past, so I feel fortunate to have good people keeping an eye out. But this takes "keeping an eye out" to the extreme.

A couple in the U.K. received a scathing and creepy letter from a neighbor who is tired of their... nakedness. These folks aren't naked in their yard or driveway or swimming pool. They are naked inside their own house. But that's offensive:

"Would you please close your blinds when getting dressed or undressing. We are sick of seeing big bum, big boobs, and little willy and we will report you both for indecent exposure. (Signed) Your neighbours"

The couple says they aren't exhibitionists. They're just living a normal life. Which at times requires nakedness. But I guess that's not permitted in the Fading Bush allotment.

Our naked newlyweds are actually freaked out by the letter, feeling they're being stalked.

Perhaps it's all a misunderstanding. Maybe there's a "what's-under-the-hood-watch?" Or a "major award" when Long Dong Silver is discovered. (Apparently, this gentleman doesn't qualify?)

You know how the saying goes:

"Good fences make good neighbors."

But in this case, you might need reflective windows. Or a dome. Or invite your neighbors over for a spirited game of naked Twister.

Rub-a-Dub Dummy

4/25/2018

We love the Cheetos, but nobody loves the orange aftermath: on your fingers, chest, belly, sofa... you know what I mean. So, perhaps this was a considerate criminal?

A woman came home to find an intruder. Naked. In her tub.

Eating. Cheetos. Taking a bath.

A full plate of food was sitting on the toilet lid just waiting to be devoured. Is this Ghetto Goldilocks?

"This tub is just right."

She told police a male voice told her to break in. So she did.

So many things wrong here:

1. Who's the male voice? Was it like Moses and the Burning Bush? Or was your own shrubbery burning, therefore, predicating the need for a soak?

2. You dared to eat my good snacks that I've hidden from the rest of the family? Why aren't you eating those stupid carrot sticks and quinoa crackers?

3. Who takes any food into the bathroom at any time!?!?

Well, at least she's all clean for her prison bitch.

This Is Dick...

4/18/2018

He's a police officer.

And a prostitute.

Blame his parents. They named him Richard Holder. He's "Detective Dick" by day; 'Dick Holder" by night. And apparently, not very smart. See, he left his legal job on sick leave... and decided to illegally offer his wang on the AdultWork website. His alias:

Sweet Sensations

I know this will come as a huge shocker-- Dick was bad at his day job:

"(He showed) a pattern of disruptive behavior that has been on the verge of criminal at times" and he "struggled with under performance."

Who knows how well Sweet Sensations performed...

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

Oral Objection

4/11/2018

When I go to the dentist, I get a good cleaning from the hygenist (Haaay, Lindsey!)... sometimes x-rays... and a quick check up from the dentist. In the bajillion years I've gone to the dentist, he's not once offered me wine and a foot massage.

What?

Perhaps he was implementing this business model:

The "victim" claims she began to feel pain after she consented to the massage. She went to the hospital for further evaluation. Medical professionals there told her she had an abscess.

"He was giving me a foot massage. I didn't see him change gloves so like your hands are in my mouth now my whole mouth is infected."

Okay... You could've said "no". Right? Or were you strapped in that chair (wink, wink)

So, I've got more questions than answers here:

1. You called your husband and told him what was up. He thought it was weird. Yet, you stayed.

2. Are you sure his hands were in your mouth?

3. How funky are your feet that your fillings melted?

P.S. You're supposed to gargle with Listerine, not with a pair of "hairy raisins."

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com