Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Test Drive

9/16/2020

You wouldn't buy a house without looking at it first, and you certainly wouldn't buy a car without giving it a spin. With that train of thought, why wouldn't you try out a sex toy first?

Yup. Trying out a taco-stuffer. In. The. Store.

A 36-year-old Florida woman (that explains everything) was raised right. You know-- try it on for size before you take it home. That works with clothing... clothing! The woman fancied a pink-colored, phallus-shaped toy, took it into the employee store room, dropped trou, and decided to see if this one fits "just right".

The item "stolen" was valued at $45.98. I'm assuming her pee pee friend will be waiting for her after she resolves her misdemeanor larceny and indecent exposure charges...

P.S. At least she kept her shirt on during the test drive.

P.P.S. Maybe she thinks she's Goldicocks...

Snake Charmer

9/9/2020

And for my next trick, I pull a 4-foot snake out of my mouth!

Doctors had to remove the reptile from the woman's mouth. They say it must've gotten there that one time she slept outdoors and it slinked into her mouth.

Uh-huh.

We're not buying this rattled tail. Lemme tell ya, if someone tries to stick something in my mouth, it would wake me up in an instant. We're to believe this 4-foot long snake slithered down her throat and hid somewhere for a while before she then felt sick and realized something was wrong?

Or did she accidentally "sit on it" like that dude in China "accidentally" sat on an eel?

Methinks she was getting some practice for her OnlyFans account. Or perhaps she was planning the choreography for her instructional video on places you can put snakes.

P.S. She didn't gag when the snake slithered into her mouth... She's a keeper, guys!

Smacked

7/29/2020

Pretending like you're Adam & Eve will get you in a garden of pain if you're not careful, cuz granny ain't having it...

Lady Irina was just taking a stroll when she noticed some bushes moving. Well, of course, she panicked. It could be a mugger! Instead, the bushes were shaking because a couple was amongst the bush. Out of nowhere, Lady Irina brandished a wooden plank and started beating the Stoli out of them-- while cursing in Russian about how the two should be ashamed of themselves for playing outdoors. Yup, it was a double booty-beating for these two all caught on video.

Lady Irina should turn her justice into rubles. I'm sure there's a website or 1,000 she could submit to...

Air Johnson

5/27/2020

Maybe our cars are more fuel efficient if we drive them naked...

I'm trying to think of a good reason so many fools drive without clothes on, but when it comes right down to it-- they're just pervs. Case in point. Justin Mosser of Florida (not surprising). A female motorist called 911 after she noticed Mosser was "wrestling his junk" while at a stoplight. After giving police a detailed description... of his vehicle... Mosser was under surveillance. Less than 24 hours later, Mr. Wrangler exposed himself to the undercover officer tailing him. His reason for displaying his fruit bowl?

It gets hot and I need to "air it out".

Get a crotch fan and leave your raisins in your pants!

Teenie & Terrific!

3/25/2020

Though men have historically skewed the measurement system to their advantage, not every man has a python in his pants. So why not celebrate the neolate!

That's right! Teenie Weenies are getting a small standing ovation via the new dating app:Dinky One.

The goal is to "normalize" men whose fruit bowl contains a plantain and not a banana.

"There are (those) who just prefer a smaller penis for comfort reasons... smaller men tend to compensate for size with additional skills..."

Dong is in the eye of the beholder... and that may really be true... what?

Social Dickstancing

3/18/2020

While most of us are practicing "social distancing" so we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from the Coronabitch, others, well...

One Florida (shocking) couple threw caution to the wind. And their pants. Because when a randy moment strikes...

The two were bumping uglies in front of a hospital, in plain view of everyone. Gag. From the police report, dude's:

"penis, testicles, and buttocks were displayed within view of nearby citizens."

Was this in celebration of a negative Coronavirus diagnosis? Was it because they were hosting a two-person "let's purposely get COVID-19 party"?

Perhaps he was offering to sanitize her front storage unit...

P.S. Why isn't it ever people we'd want to see naked getting naked?

Fetish 101

3/4/2020

Ah, Sex Ed class. A time when everyone nervously giggles as the clinical presentation of body parts and functions nearly ruin the thought of ever having sex. Nearly. Perhaps we all needed this spicy course offered at one school in Brittain. A course that celebrates the freaky side of things.

Dad was stunned when his 14-year-old brought home the manual, "Relationships and Sexual Health." Not because of that dreaded conversation that needs to happen with your kids, but because of the manual's suggestions of ways to express sexuality without intercourse. Like:

"such each other's toes"
"nibble their ears"
"buy them some nice underwear"

The teacher told students: "You don't know if you like it until you try it."

I'm sure we know how teech supplements her income...

Self Care

10/23/2019

We hear the term so often nowadays: Self-Care. We're just not taking the time to make time with ourselves... We're not talking about the old-fashioned tradition of Rosie Palm and Her Five Sisters. Pffft... We're talking about a jacuzzi, for "the boys."

There is a for-real product available on December 9th just for the boys, er, dudes-- the Testicuzzi. "One dunk of the boys into this fine testicle jacuzzi is sure to tickle your fancy and soothe your manliness.

Instead of a partner's face, or some rando coffee mug, you can tea-bag this. For just $39.95. Or the $10,000 limited-edition gold-plated version.

That's just nuts...

Bang Up Job

10/15/2019

There's nothing worse than getting thieved. Thieves should be publicly slapped. Get a J-O-B and then buy your own stuff! But this thief got what he wanted?

A North Carolina residence was robbed of jewelry, coins, and... a 12-inch electric vibrating wand, for funsies...

So. Many. Questions:

So, were these items all hangin' out with each other in the nightstand drawer?
Or was this an inside job, so to speak? Because the items stolen were quite specific.
Was the vibrating item mistaken for another type of massager?
Was said item used?

Hide your women. Hide your children. Hide your "toys"...

Un-Satisfied Customer

10/9/2019

The customer is always right. At least that's how so many people try to justify their rude-ass behavior to anyone in the service industry. But I digress. Customer satisfaction is important, even when you're buying the services of a prostitute.

Michael Pratt decided to spend some time with a pro at a Baton Rouge motel-- rightfully named Shades. But he didn't feel he got what he paid for, so he asked for his money back. If that's not bad enough, this tale (or is it tail?) takes another turn when the hooker than called police to complain that her client asked for his money back, and because the 61-year-old "got aggressive."

Police arrived to the shady motel and arrested the dude for soliciting prostitution, while the said prostitute was arrested for hooker-ing and drug-related charges.

Must be hard to find good service these days...