Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Air Johnson

5/27/2020

Maybe our cars are more fuel efficient if we drive them naked...

I'm trying to think of a good reason so many fools drive without clothes on, but when it comes right down to it-- they're just pervs. Case in point. Justin Mosser of Florida (not surprising). A female motorist called 911 after she noticed Mosser was "wrestling his junk" while at a stoplight. After giving police a detailed description... of his vehicle... Mosser was under surveillance. Less than 24 hours later, Mr. Wrangler exposed himself to the undercover officer tailing him. His reason for displaying his fruit bowl?

It gets hot and I need to "air it out".

Get a crotch fan and leave your raisins in your pants!

Teenie & Terrific!

3/25/2020

Though men have historically skewed the measurement system to their advantage, not every man has a python in his pants. So why not celebrate the neolate!

That's right! Teenie Weenies are getting a small standing ovation via the new dating app:Dinky One.

The goal is to "normalize" men whose fruit bowl contains a plantain and not a banana.

"There are (those) who just prefer a smaller penis for comfort reasons... smaller men tend to compensate for size with additional skills..."

Dong is in the eye of the beholder... and that may really be true... what?

Social Dickstancing

3/18/2020

While most of us are practicing "social distancing" so we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from the Coronabitch, others, well...

One Florida (shocking) couple threw caution to the wind. And their pants. Because when a randy moment strikes...

The two were bumping uglies in front of a hospital, in plain view of everyone. Gag. From the police report, dude's:

"penis, testicles, and buttocks were displayed within view of nearby citizens."

Was this in celebration of a negative Coronavirus diagnosis? Was it because they were hosting a two-person "let's purposely get COVID-19 party"?

Perhaps he was offering to sanitize her front storage unit...

P.S. Why isn't it ever people we'd want to see naked getting naked?

Fetish 101

3/4/2020

Ah, Sex Ed class. A time when everyone nervously giggles as the clinical presentation of body parts and functions nearly ruin the thought of ever having sex. Nearly. Perhaps we all needed this spicy course offered at one school in Brittain. A course that celebrates the freaky side of things.

Dad was stunned when his 14-year-old brought home the manual, "Relationships and Sexual Health." Not because of that dreaded conversation that needs to happen with your kids, but because of the manual's suggestions of ways to express sexuality without intercourse. Like:

"such each other's toes"
"nibble their ears"
"buy them some nice underwear"

The teacher told students: "You don't know if you like it until you try it."

I'm sure we know how teech supplements her income...

Self Care

10/23/2019

We hear the term so often nowadays: Self-Care. We're just not taking the time to make time with ourselves... We're not talking about the old-fashioned tradition of Rosie Palm and Her Five Sisters. Pffft... We're talking about a jacuzzi, for "the boys."

There is a for-real product available on December 9th just for the boys, er, dudes-- the Testicuzzi. "One dunk of the boys into this fine testicle jacuzzi is sure to tickle your fancy and soothe your manliness.

Instead of a partner's face, or some rando coffee mug, you can tea-bag this. For just $39.95. Or the $10,000 limited-edition gold-plated version.

That's just nuts...

Bang Up Job

10/15/2019

There's nothing worse than getting thieved. Thieves should be publicly slapped. Get a J-O-B and then buy your own stuff! But this thief got what he wanted?

A North Carolina residence was robbed of jewelry, coins, and... a 12-inch electric vibrating wand, for funsies...

So. Many. Questions:

So, were these items all hangin' out with each other in the nightstand drawer?
Or was this an inside job, so to speak? Because the items stolen were quite specific.
Was the vibrating item mistaken for another type of massager?
Was said item used?

Hide your women. Hide your children. Hide your "toys"...

Un-Satisfied Customer

10/9/2019

The customer is always right. At least that's how so many people try to justify their rude-ass behavior to anyone in the service industry. But I digress. Customer satisfaction is important, even when you're buying the services of a prostitute.

Michael Pratt decided to spend some time with a pro at a Baton Rouge motel-- rightfully named Shades. But he didn't feel he got what he paid for, so he asked for his money back. If that's not bad enough, this tale (or is it tail?) takes another turn when the hooker than called police to complain that her client asked for his money back, and because the 61-year-old "got aggressive."

Police arrived to the shady motel and arrested the dude for soliciting prostitution, while the said prostitute was arrested for hooker-ing and drug-related charges.

Must be hard to find good service these days...

Ballin'

10/2/2019

Men don't need humans (or furry friends-- just sayin;) when there's a ball for all-- the Masturball.

The Optimum Power Masturball looks like a Magic 8 Ball, but with internal grippy things for your grippy thing. Just put your sausage in the ball and pretend like you're scrubbin'-off some skank juice. There are 10 different settings, so you can set it and go, so to speak.

Find your latest self-love device on Amazon for $79.99.

P.S. You know the price should've been $69.99, right? LOL

Terrible Tunas

9/4/2019

It's challenging enough being a college student. There's fear of the "Freshman 15". There's fear of STDs. There's fear of having the ability to survive a frat party without being arrested. And now, foul fish.

A new study has found that college students may be OD-ing on tuna. Students are eating so much Chicken of the Sea (and other canned tunas) that they're risking mercury poisoning. Half of students surveyed are eating tuna at least three times a week. A crazy 7% are eating 20 tuna-based meals a week.

Gag.

You're better off with Ramen poisoning. Or Easy Mac overload. WTH is wrong with our youth? LOL

PhallicSee

3/13/2019

One: I've never been a fan of HOAs. I think it serves some purpose, but really is a giant, expensive waste... and in this case-- a pain in the booty.

Two: It's amazing that people hear what they want to hear, and SEE what they want to see.

I thought this story was a joke at first because it was so ridiculous. But it's 100% true. A woman in Tennessee was fined by her HOA for the "rooster" she left on the ground.

No. She didn't drop a battery-operated device on the ground, nor did she "Lorena Bobbitt" someone. See, it snowed a little. And this woman's car left behind un-snowed on ground in the shape of an alleged ween. The offense car-pee-pee draw-er received this email:

"We are emailing you in regards to a recent incident involving your car... We have received reports that it is in violation of our by-laws. We have photographic evidence regarding this fact. Please know that you will be fined $100 in accordance with regards to our by-laws about displaying offensive images or slogans."

WTF?

Perhaps if the HOA cozied up to a Richard or two, it might not be so offended. The HOA overturned its decision, thankfully. But only after it concluded that the snowfall and unfortunate shape that resulted were not the homeowner's (nor the car's) fault.

Really. I know.