Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel

Social Dickstancing

3/18/2020

While most of us are practicing "social distancing" so we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from the Coronabitch, others, well...

One Florida (shocking) couple threw caution to the wind. And their pants. Because when a randy moment strikes...

via GIPHY

The two were bumping uglies in front of a hospital, in plain view of everyone. Gag. From the police report, dude's:

"penis, testicles, and buttocks were displayed within view of nearby citizens."

Was this in celebration of a negative Coronavirus diagnosis? Was it because they were hosting a two-person "let's purposely get COVID-19 party"?

Perhaps he was offering to sanitize her front storage unit...

P.S. Why isn't it ever people we'd want to see naked getting naked?

Pet-trol Officer

2/27/2019

Perhaps one police officer in Florida was taking his civil servant role too far. See, a couple was arrested for shoplifting from a Walmart (of course). The 20-somethings are kind of like a brokedown Bonnie and Clyde. All hot, steamy, dirty (like, unbathed), and needing-to-bump babymaker parts. But without the class and almost -criminal minds of B and C.

The two were in the back of the cruiser making out. They had zero f*cks to give-- unless said "effs" were for each other... wink, wink.

via GIPHY

The officer even encouraged the randy romp by playing some Barry White for them.

Hey, he’s here to help. And he knows the two will be separated so… out of the kindness (?) of his heart he let the two fondle, smoke, and fornicate! Yes. He let them do "it".

Now the law guy is in trouble with the law for allowing the "pants prisoner" to be released

Perhaps the men in blue are against men with blue balls...

Rub-a-Dub Dummy

4/25/2018

We love the Cheetos, but nobody loves the orange aftermath: on your fingers, chest, belly, sofa... you know what I mean. So, perhaps this was a considerate criminal?

A woman came home to find an intruder. Naked. In her tub.

via GIPHY

Eating. Cheetos. Taking a bath.

A full plate of food was sitting on the toilet lid just waiting to be devoured. Is this Ghetto Goldilocks?

"This tub is just right."

She told police a male voice told her to break in. So she did.

So many things wrong here:

1. Who's the male voice? Was it like Moses and the Burning Bush? Or was your own shrubbery burning, therefore, predicating the need for a soak?

2. You dared to eat my good snacks that I've hidden from the rest of the family? Why aren't you eating those stupid carrot sticks and quinoa crackers?

3. Who takes any food into the bathroom at any time!?!?

Well, at least she's all clean for her prison bitch.

Cheesus Help Us All

1/24/2018

This... Heavenly.

I've loved grilled cheese since birth practically. And with time, my grilled cheese craftsmanship has matured. It's not all about Kraft singles anymore (not that there's anything wrong with that.) Now, grilled cheese can be a gourmet taste adventure. Smoked cheddar? Sure. Caramelized onions with bacon? Why not! Fontina and gouda with sliced apple? Yessssss!

Which is why I can somewhat understand why one shouldn't mess with another's grilled cheese. It's criminal... Like in this case, where one man was so angry that someone took a bite of his grilled cheese, he want ballistic!

Like, standoff-with-police-p*ssed-off.

A man from Maryland just wanted to enjoy his grilled cheese supper with his wife and daughter (or maybe without his wife and daughter). He must've turned his back for one single moment when someone took a bite of HIS sandwich.

What!?!?!?!

After firing a GUNSHOT INTO THE CEILING, the wife and daughter managed to escape unharmed. But ol' dude barricaded himself inside. An hour later, police were able to talk him down.

Do they serve grilled cheese in jail? Or is that a (pressed) ham sandwich?

PHOTO CREDIT:

www.giphy.com

CLICK HERE to learn more about this grilled-cheese-loving-maniac.

This Stinks!

11/28/2017

I've said it many times-- hats off to our men and women in blue. They go into dangerous situations while we're trying to escape them. They answer the call when needed. And they have to deal with sketchy folk. Sigh.

If I'm facing federal gun and drug charges, I might be a little more respectful. But I'm no criminal, and criminals aren't known for clear-thinking and upstanding morals.

Sean A. Sykes Jr. will go down in history for his handling of a recent interrogation. Of course he knew nuthin' about nuthin' about the crime-- but he does know methane. Home brewed methane.

Most of us would answer questions with our words. For example:

Detective: "What's your address?"

Most of Society: "123 Whatever Street."

But this is not how Mr. Sykes handled the situation. He decided to be more silent but deadly...

In his report, the interviewing detective asked Sykes about his address. Then this happened:

"Mr. Sykes leaned to one side of his chair and released a loud fart before answering."

This whole thing stinks to high Heaven, but I am impressed. To fart on demand is a skill. I wonder when the next cycle of America's Got Talent is...

Perhaps Lord FARTleroy was inspired by this:

Original story HERE.

PHOTO CREDIT:
Mugshot: Jackson County Detention Center
GIF: www.giphy.com

Hot Diggity Dog!

11/7/2017

From the Windy City, this dish-- with a delicious helping of karma.

Terrion Pouncy-- a brilliant 19-year-old-- needed some cash money. So he decided to rob a hot dog shop.

And during the commission of his not-well-planned-crime, he shot himself... wait for it... in the Oscar Mayer.

Yup. An armed Pouncy walked into Original Maxwell Street Polish and demanded cash. As he was running from the store, he tried to put the gun back into his pocket when he clipped his thigh and the family jewels.

He was cocked-and-loaded, apparently, and obviously had no gun training. You know, the whole thing about disengaging the safety and stuff.

Bet Pouncy ain't so "bouncy" anymore.

This story could've been even better if dude tried to steal some wieners instead of moola. Sigh.

PHOTO CREDIT:
www.giphy.com

ORIGINAL STORY:
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/ct-far-south-side-robber-shoots-self-20171102-story.html

For The Love of Sausage!

4/12/2017

Let me clarify. For the love of SUMMER sausage.

I don't know what it is about Florida, or summer sausage and Florida and summer sausage... but for whatever reason, the two are like peanut butter and chocolate. Over the past year, there have been numerous stories of dumb criminals stealing summer sausage. Here's our latest heist-er:

Let's make sure we're all on the same sausage page. A summer sausage is no average sausage. A summer sausage according to Wikipedia is:

"... any sausage that can be kept without refrigeration. Summer sausage is usually a mixture of pork and other meat such as beef or venison. Summer sausage can be dried or smoked, and while curing ingredients vary significantly, curing salt is almost always used. Seasonings may include mustard seeds, black pepper, garlic salt, or sugar."

Well no wonder 41-year-old David Randall Bertram of Fort Walton Beach, FL, ran from a Publix with $10.38 worth of of summer sausage! He was caught by police, but he ran from the cruiser (sausages in hand,) then jumped off a bridge. The drop was eight feet-- but he was uninjured. Whew! Cops had to taser him twice before they could escort him to jail. If that weren't bad enough, he gave a false name while being processed. That's what bothers me the most. Why? Be proud of your crime! You're willing to jump off a bridge for it! Use your damn name!!!

I can only imagine his faux name: Harold Johnsonville? Eduardo Eckrich? Timmy Dean? Fred Evans?

I hope he wolfed-down the sausage before his arrest! Unless it was a gift... Ick.

Forget about "Sharp Dressed Man".... Everyone's crazy 'bout a finely encased solstice sausage.

PHOTO CREDIT:
Gif www.giphy.com

Jerkin' The "Gherkin"!

2/27/2017

Sending love to the Heavens above, because real-life can be so much better than the stories we writers craft. That's my first moment of gratitude. My second-- I'm so glad I don't have a ween. Seriously. All the adjusting and independent thinking would drive me crazy. And for some, "member"ship inspires the owner to share-- at inappropriate times.

Mr. Pickles

There's no glamour in being a fast food worker. They don't need subjugated to any more pickles than necessary. The above beauty walked into an Austin, Texas, McDonald's and dropped his pants. What? Pickle for pickles? Alexis Pickles decided to show his dill. Workers asked him to leave, and he actually did. But he was just outside the restaurant at a bus stop. And guess what he was doing there? Giving bystanders something to relish.

Police arrived and wrestled with pickle before he ran on foot. Thankfully, Mr. Bread & Butter slipped in a mud puddle and was arrested.

Pickles sounds like a South Park Character. Or an unwanted Muppet.

P.S. If this dude's first name was "Harry"... Well, I'm not mature enough for that.

"Taco" For Tacos...

2/22/2017

Out of Jacksonville, Florida...

There are many ways to transact business. But it seems women in a particular "field" like to barter. Like Buffy Suzanne Bryan. She unwittingly told an undercover police officer that she would showcase her skin flute-playing skills in exchange for two soft tacos from Taco Bell. Unfortunately, she was arrested before said transaction could occur. So close, yet so far.

I wonder what Buffster would charge for other services...

I'm sure the above are terms someone could live with... if it were legal. Talk about a bargain!

Plus, money can be a drag. Where you gonna put those dollas? Surely not in the same place you're "accepting business"? And when you're hungry, you're hungry. We don't need any hangry folk out there.

This opens up a lot of possibilities...

Storage Box...

1/14/2015

Let this post serve as a Public Service Announcement:

Ladies, DO NOT use your "kitty" as a purse. Again, the jay-jay is not meant to store items. Accept visitors-- yes. Storing your Precious Moments figurines-- NO.

This lovely, 19-year-old Dallas Archer (her named has destined her to greatness on the pole) of Tennessee, was busted for driving with a suspended license. And... driving with the above pictured gun nestled inside her "cookie jar". Yes. You read that correctly. And...the gun was fully-loaded (dare I say "cocked and loaded"?)

First of all, an inappropriate soundtrack is playing through my mind: Lynyrd Skynyrd's "That Smell" and Aerosmith's "Janie's Got a Gun"... of course, my title would be "Va-Janie's Got A Gun".... but I digress.

Second of all, inappropriate puns are running through my mind: "Nice flaps-bomb you got there, woman"... or "Is that a uterine uzi or are you happy to see me?" If someone honks a boob, does your crotch fire a round?

Third, and most importantly of all, how much "action" has your cooch seen to be able to easily accommodate a 4-inch long, awkwardly-shaped item like this!?!? Seriously. I've got a curio cabinet. Can you store that for me?

Maybe you're an entrepreneur, and with times being tough-- you're renting out your "space" for 24-hour storage? What would you charge? How can I ensure my items will be secure and odor-free?

Talk about throwing a hotdog down a hallway... that would be an entire side of beef... sideways...

Photo Credit:
Kitty Purse: https://www.flickr.com/photos/30131103@N05/
Mugshot: Kingsport Police Department
Gun: HARVEY HENKELMANN/WIKIMEDIA COMMONS

Social Dickstancing

Pet-trol Officer

Rub-a-Dub Dummy

Cheesus Help Us All

This Stinks!

Hot Diggity Dog!

For The Love of Sausage!

Jerkin' The "Gherkin"!

"Taco" For Tacos...

Storage Box...

About The "V" Spot...

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