Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Unwrapped Muffin

7/10/2019

Brains. We all have them. But methinks some are just inactive. Case in point, college student Lindsey Brown (from Scotland) was vacationing in Spain with some friends when she was having issues with her bathing suit. It wasn't covering her lower lady parts.

Obviously, the one piece suit was flawed-- and the company at fault. So, she put on her best "let me speak to your manager tone" and wrote them this email:

"Hey, I wore that swimsuit today... my vagina was hanging out constantly. Is it supposed to stretch like that?" (Do you mean the suit, or your jayjay? LOL)

She included this photo. We highlighted the... issue.

The company wrote back:

"I have had a look at the picture you sent and believe you are wearing the swimsuit upside down."

Hey, dumbass-- the material flossing your snatchola is the shoulder strap. Duh!

We have so many things floating in our minds:

Vacationing in Spain? You're "money dumb". Wealthy people don't need to use their brains. Someone will think for them.

College student? Is Lori Loughlin your mom?

Didn't you: 1. Look at the picture of the suit when you bought it online? 2. If you bought it in the store, did you not see how it was hanging on the hanger?

You're on the European side of the world. They let it all hang. Get your vaj-swag on!

Tell your bestie that her right butt cheek is catching a chill. Or is that another manufacturing flaw?

Sunny Side Out

7/3/2019

As my parents say: "Things were different way back when." Way-back-when, when people went out into public, they put on their best duds. My dad told me as a kid, you always wore your "good clothes" wherever you went-- no matter the season. So if it were a hot, sunny, summer day and you were going to the ball game or amusement park, you wore slacks and collared shirts, and proper shoes.

Now, we're all about comfort. Livin' our "best lives" with our "f&ck everyone" attitude.

I want to be comfortable when I travel-- especially air travel, where I know I'm going to need to take my shoes off and possibly get frisked. Not once have I worn yoga pants, see-my-womb-shorts, or my see-through top.

On an EasyJet flight from Spain to London, Harriet Osbourne was kicked off the flight. Not because the "headlights" were on and fully visible, but because of her disruptive behavior-- even after she agreed to wear another top. While the airline claims she was acting poorly, Harriet says she was an innocent victim of harassment:

"The crew were horrible and made me feel cheap. This air hostess confronted me in front of the whole plane and said I wasn't allowed on in that top... she tried to cover me up with my hands."

Perhaps we're all missing something. She may have been a late-addition to the crew. A real-life demonstration of the "flotation devices" in case of a water landing.

A couple of other things:

1. She nip-slipped by the TNA, I mean, TSA? Those people live for situations like this one. Way to drop the (blue) ball.

2. Or maybe that was her TSA strategy: "I'm not a terrorist. See? I've got nothing to hide."

3. Am I the only one that is LOL-ing over the irony of the airline name?

Booty Pop

6/26/2019

Leave it to the Russians to come up with a new sporting event that we can all "get behind":

Booty Slapping Championship

The inaugural event took place a few weeks ago in Siberia. This is how it works: female competitors spank each other as hard as possible, with the goal of making the spankee take a step forward.

For all you pervs out there, keep the drawbridge down. The women were fully clothed-- and many were fitness competitors. IE: Have good personalities. Booty Slapping was part of the Siberian Power Show-- a two-day extravaganza featuring pole dancing and mass-wrestling. Whatever that is.

A couple of thoughts:

1. Would this be a good Summer or Winter Olympics event?

2. Perhaps BBD's "Do Me!" could be the official theme of this event:

"Smack it up, flip it, rub it down..."

A Little Cup of...

6/19/2019

It's amazing all the means available to women who want to have children. And thanks to dudes who make their deposits at the bank. But there is one man who gives his baby juice for free-- no bumpin' uglies required!

You may have heard of the "Sperminator" as the media has coined him. CUNY math professor Ari Nagel has sired 50 children-- 15 last year alone. The only payment he receives is having his travel expenses covered-- because dude is international! Perhaps his goal is to have fathered a child in every nation on planet Earth. Perhaps he's has a God complex and gets-off (like the pun?) on knowing he's fathered a couple football teams.

His latest baby momma is an 18-year-old homeless woman who felt it was time for her and her partner to have their own child, because she at one time took care of her 7-year-old sister. Spermtosser is so happy about his latest baby momma's situation. He says the shelter is nicer than his apartment:

"...I never asked her age. I try to help whoever asks. I think Kai (the latest recipient) is more mature than I was at her age after everything she has been through."

Hope the taxpayers of the State of New York are happy to be paying for its newest addition.

Please, Sperminator. Put a cork in it.

Dodge This!

6/12/2019

The wussification of society continues to mudslide downhill. Add dodgeball to the list of activities considered "legalized bullying."

You remember dodgeball, right? That game you played in gym class where your team tried to eliminate the other team by hitting them with a big, red ball... Well, according to researchers in Canada the game is a tool to "dehumanize and harm" classmates. How did we survive this "unethical tool of oppression"?!?!

I recall waaaay back in the day, we weren't allowed to throw the ball too terribly hard, nor were we allowed to aim for the head. In fact, we tried to protect the "more-padded" (is that P.C. enough? LOL) kids on the team so they wouldn't be easy targets. Guess we should've let them become "oppressed" by the opposing team. The only "targets" we had were the known asshats in class. Like, Donnie Tucker. The kid who farted like his ass was a weapon-- his gas was a heat-seeking missile used to trap you in a corner, blast you while you entered the classroom, and made you cry for your mother. Yeah, I may have "accidentally" pegged him in the head with a dodgeball. But my cute pigtails and sweet disposition meant I would never intentionally try to knock-out gas-ass as he knocked us out... But I digress.

I say we gather these researchers for a game of dodgeball. Let's see how they do.

P.S. F&ck you, Canada!

Snatched

6/5/2019

Is is just me, or has this year been particularly bad when it comes to trendy "fashion"? Denim Speedos. Lace man shorts. Tube tops for dudes. Add this one to the list of WTF:

The loincloth bikini.

And who do we have to blame for this? Influencers and A-list celebs on social media. They've been sporting what literally amounts to a string with a piece of fabric hanging off of it. The purpose? To minimize tan lines. Or, if you pull the string up higher on the hips, it looks like you have longer legs.

Who's looking at your effing legs when we're gonna get an eyeful of your full-frontal!?!?

Sigh. Social media. The downfall of the planet.

Please Like Me

5/29/2019

For some people, a good job, money for retirement and a happy family are what makes for a well-lived life. For others, it's all about internet fame. Case in point, this idiot. A Connecticut man with seven warrants out for his arrest has decided to turn himself in if he gets 15,000 Facebook likes on the police department's post of his criminal behavior.

Police in Torrington, Connecticut, shared a "help wanted" post on its FB page and included a photo of 29-year-old Jose Simms. The dude originally wanted 20,000 likes, but police talked him down to 15,000. As of now, the post has over 29,000 likes.

But Simms is still in the wind. Like a fart. Hope he's eventually apprehended. And given a proper prison greeting.

Not Jazzy

5/22/2019

Forget reality TV. Just get real and get over to Walmart for your entertainment. It doesn't matter what part of town Walmart is in. If it's in Beverly Hills, it's going to attract the most "interesting" people society has to offer.

Our favorite place for weird stories never disappoints-- Florida. Walmart + Florida = gold.

27-year-old Kejuan Mccants was arrested and charged with indecent exposure after tooling around in a store scooter and junk-flashing a customer and employee.

He flashed one victim in the clothing department, and flashed the employee in the home goods department after he complimented her hair. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

This could all be a big (or not so big) misunderstanding. Perhaps he needed help with where to find the sausage links, so he was showing what he was looking for. Or maybe he wanted the dried fruit section, so he showed his raisins...

Really, you (Mc)can't expose your fruit bowl to others.

From Flabs to Abs

5/15/2019

While cosmetic surgery is more associated with the ladies, men are stepping up their tune-up game. And six-pack abs surgery is on the rise for men.Masterpiece Hospital in Bangkok offers instant six-pack abs, via surgery. Doctors draw the abs on with a marker, then make the abs by removing some of the fat.

Because eating right and working out is hard work, so... for $3,800 just buy them. But the effects don't last forever.

Dudes. Don't. "Dad bod" is in.

There are more pleasant, cheaper six-packs to enjoy in life. Wings, beer, pudding... pillows...

Ding Dong

5/8/2019

The idea of short shorts for men returning to the fashion scene was vurp-inducing enough (because it's usually People of Walmart who dare to wear such items). Now, this. The jeado:

Shinesty-- known for its outrageous fashion design-- has regaled us with this questionable fashion choice. Kudos for this brand's awesomeness in everything. Fail because I really never want to see this in real life. Fortunately, your fruit bowl won't suffer chaffing and rubbing because the jeado isn't actually made of denim. It just looks like denim. Because nobody wants to see you rubbing Vaseline on your damaged fruit.