Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

PhallicSee

3/13/2019

One: I've never been a fan of HOAs. I think it serves some purpose, but really is a giant, expensive waste... and in this case-- a pain in the booty.

Two: It's amazing that people hear what they want to hear, and SEE what they want to see.

I thought this story was a joke at first because it was so ridiculous. But it's 100% true. A woman in Tennessee was fined by her HOA for the "rooster" she left on the ground.

No. She didn't drop a battery-operated device on the ground, nor did she "Lorena Bobbitt" someone. See, it snowed a little. And this woman's car left behind un-snowed on ground in the shape of an alleged ween. The offense car-pee-pee draw-er received this email:

"We are emailing you in regards to a recent incident involving your car... We have received reports that it is in violation of our by-laws. We have photographic evidence regarding this fact. Please know that you will be fined $100 in accordance with regards to our by-laws about displaying offensive images or slogans."

WTF?

Perhaps if the HOA cozied up to a Richard or two, it might not be so offended. The HOA overturned its decision, thankfully. But only after it concluded that the snowfall and unfortunate shape that resulted were not the homeowner's (nor the car's) fault.

Really. I know.

Just. No.

2/13/2019

I have a diverse palette. I enjoy cuisine from different areas, regions, countries. Also, I'm practical. But there's no way I'm eating squirrel for dinner.

Some people hate squirrels. Some people ate squirrels. I love squirrels. They've always been my "pet". I've been feeding squirrels out of my hand since childhood. I couldn't imagine feasting on one with a side of mac n cheese. But some chefs think we should be eating more squirrel-- because it will control the population.

Okay. Should we be eating dumb people because there's a whole lotta dumb in this world? Hecks-to-the-NO! One chef in London is cookin' up all the grey squirrels he can. He says it's delicious. Oh, sure. Tastes like chicken, right?

If the world becomes The Walking Dead, then whatevs. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Otherwise, where's the beef?

Hot Taco

12/19/2018

The internet. So glad Al Gore invented it for all of us to lose precious brain cells cyber slacking. It's quite the battle ground. We'll heatedly debate anything on the interwebs.

Put aside the "Baby, It's Cold Outside" fight, and make way for:

A hot dog is a taco.

The war has already been waged on whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich or not. Thanks to pot-stirrers the Washington Post, they intimated that a hot dog is a taco.

A sandwich is stuff between two pieces of bread. A hot dog doesn't qualify because the ween is nestled in a bun-- which is one folded piece of "bread". So, they theorize that a hot dog is a taco.

Maybe. But wouldn't a hot dog then be categorized as a soft taco? I don't understand why we can't just let a hot dog be a hot dog and stand alone in its own category. Why must we try to make a hot dog fit into another food box?

The only way I think that hot dogs and tacos are related is that some "hot dogs" are in search of a (pink) taco.

However you feel, just shove them both in your mouth and enjoy.

Cheeky

12/5/2018

Ten football players from Northern Illinois high school were suspended for their carefree, immature ways. They decided to run naked across a field. With Oreo cookies shoved in their butt cracks.

I think they should be charged with abuse of an Oreo, cuz that shizz is too good to not eat. They should also be charged with misdemeanor indecent exposure (a tiny offense)-- because running naked in November isn't a good look for the fruit bowl. Unless your goal was to sport your manginas.

School officials determined the boys ran naked of their own free will. Sadly, their team lost the championship game.

Ore-no.

Gobble Squabble

11/28/2018

My favorite dumb criminal stories are those that originate from Florida. Seems most of the dumb criminal stories are from there... Anywho... did you know people are cray-cray?

Take for example, 31-year-old Rebecca Phelps. She wanted her "turkey" stuffed on Thanksgiving, and made her intentions known by grabbing her boyfriend's junk. He was still sleeping (pretending) and turned down her subtle advances. Well, when a woman wants breakfast sausage, she wants breakfast sausage and she doesn't care if you don't want to serve it!

She scratched the poor dude so hard by his left eye, it became swollen and turned black and blue. But... maybe she's not the only crazy one in this relationship. Last Fall, she got violent when he turned her down. Eeeek!

1. Dude, you need to run. Fast. Like, leave your stuff behind and go!

2. Psycho, have you not heard of batteries?

Oh, Christmas Beard!

11/21/2018

This is tame. And lame. If ladies are being encouraged to glitter their rumps and wreath their nips, then dudes should be required to decorate the yule log. Cuz honestly, something needs to be done to make that thang look attractive. Anywho, the new trend for the holiday season for men-- decorating their beards with tiny Christmas lights.

The lights are battery-powered with a pack small enough to hide and clip in an epic beard-- I'm assuming. The lights also change color and clip into a beard painlessly.

What's the fun in that? Do you know how much discomfort women deal with to look good? Plus, let's get back to the inequality here. These lights need to be used on the man's southern shore. For years, rogue men have hung mistletoe from their nether regions, so let's take this up a notch and and see some festive roosters... in theory. Because I really don't want to see any unsolicited candy canes.

Stretch Dongstrong

11/14/2018

Guess the love is gone. A woman from Zimbabwe is suing her ex-boyfriend because his 'banana' stretched out her 'picnic basket.' Now, she needs reconstructive surgery.

She claims her 'storage unit' was nice and tight-y, but when Wonder Schlong came along, that one lane became an eight-lane superhighway. And since it was his 'wide load' that caused the issue, she wants him to pay for the surgery.

Uhmmm.... Didn't you get a 'feel for the ripeness' of the fruit in the fruit bowl before making a love connection?

No word on dude's dimensions.

Blinded By The... Crotch

11/7/2018

We get it. When you want to happy-fun-time and you need a little assistance, you take it. But we suggest not turning to knock-off meds when you want to get-off.

A 31-year-old dude from New York ordered generic liquid Viagra from the internet last year. That's Fail #1. Like most men, he thought: "More is better". So he took A LOT of the liquid erector. No, he didn't have a days-long pile of wood. He went blind.

Permanent eye damage.

After two days of flashing light and everything looking red, he went to the doctor. Permanent retina damage.

See, you can go blind... if you're a fool!

Italian Stallion

10/31/2018

Another day, another story about a politician with a side (ass) hustle.

You've probably never heard of New Hampshire state House of Representative Frank Sapareto, who's running for re-election. Now, we all have. He's getting sued by Jonathan Carter from Simi Valley, CA.

Oh, he's a porn producer.

Supposedly Frank and Jon entered into business to produce pornos. Mr. Italian Sausage even filmed seven hours of footage for a movie he was to star in. But, he was unhappy with the footage and allegedly punch the steamy-Speilberg-wannabe in the head. The one on top. The "plot" of the film: after the apocalypse, women are on the prowl for the last man standing (erect).

"Sopressata" is denying everything:

"I don't know what you're talking about. Wow, that's a great story. I haven't heard that one. I thought we were all done going after men."

He claims he invested $5,000 into the making of tourism videos. Sure, touring the "mountains and valleys."

Politician Pee Pee for office!

Pumpkin Spicy!

10/10/2018

It's a trend. Painting ones body parts to celebrate whatever. So why not turn your booty into something gourd-a-licious?

Instagram: @gogetglitter

I have to give props to the "ass artiste" that created this autumnal treat. But I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind:

First, this means a certain someone or someones has to help you get your backside into pumpkin-bling readiness. Then, someone or someones has to scrub that all off. That'll take hours! Of course, my entrepreneurial spirit would put that live on the internet and charge a fee...

Second, say you've gone to a Halloween party and had one too many lil' smokies and they aren't agreeing with your tummy. The "brass section" starts "playing". Does glitter poof out?

Third, do you also turn the up-top sistas into glittery pumpkins, or do you just wear a sparkly bra? Or paint them like pecan pies?

I could never, ever sport this look, because I care about your vision. I don't want to commit an ocular crime. Plus, my Halloween character name would be:

#PumpkinDimpleSkin

Yeah. If the trend were to make-your-butt-look-like-a-orange, I'd win that. All. Day.