Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Stretch Dongstrong

11/14/2018

Guess the love is gone. A woman from Zimbabwe is suing her ex-boyfriend because his 'banana' stretched out her 'picnic basket.' Now, she needs reconstructive surgery.

She claims her 'storage unit' was nice and tight-y, but when Wonder Schlong came along, that one lane became an eight-lane superhighway. And since it was his 'wide load' that caused the issue, she wants him to pay for the surgery.

Uhmmm.... Didn't you get a 'feel for the ripeness' of the fruit in the fruit bowl before making a love connection?

No word on dude's dimensions.

Blinded By The... Crotch

11/7/2018

We get it. When you want to happy-fun-time and you need a little assistance, you take it. But we suggest not turning to knock-off meds when you want to get-off.

A 31-year-old dude from New York ordered generic liquid Viagra from the internet last year. That's Fail #1. Like most men, he thought: "More is better". So he took A LOT of the liquid erector. No, he didn't have a days-long pile of wood. He went blind.

Permanent eye damage.

After two days of flashing light and everything looking red, he went to the doctor. Permanent retina damage.

See, you can go blind... if you're a fool!

Italian Stallion

10/31/2018

Another day, another story about a politician with a side (ass) hustle.

You've probably never heard of New Hampshire state House of Representative Frank Sapareto, who's running for re-election. Now, we all have. He's getting sued by Jonathan Carter from Simi Valley, CA.

Oh, he's a porn producer.

Supposedly Frank and Jon entered into business to produce pornos. Mr. Italian Sausage even filmed seven hours of footage for a movie he was to star in. But, he was unhappy with the footage and allegedly punch the steamy-Speilberg-wannabe in the head. The one on top. The "plot" of the film: after the apocalypse, women are on the prowl for the last man standing (erect).

"Sopressata" is denying everything:

"I don't know what you're talking about. Wow, that's a great story. I haven't heard that one. I thought we were all done going after men."

He claims he invested $5,000 into the making of tourism videos. Sure, touring the "mountains and valleys."

Politician Pee Pee for office!

Pumpkin Spicy!

10/10/2018

It's a trend. Painting ones body parts to celebrate whatever. So why not turn your booty into something gourd-a-licious?

Instagram: @gogetglitter

I have to give props to the "ass artiste" that created this autumnal treat. But I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind:

First, this means a certain someone or someones has to help you get your backside into pumpkin-bling readiness. Then, someone or someones has to scrub that all off. That'll take hours! Of course, my entrepreneurial spirit would put that live on the internet and charge a fee...

Second, say you've gone to a Halloween party and had one too many lil' smokies and they aren't agreeing with your tummy. The "brass section" starts "playing". Does glitter poof out?

Third, do you also turn the up-top sistas into glittery pumpkins, or do you just wear a sparkly bra? Or paint them like pecan pies?

I could never, ever sport this look, because I care about your vision. I don't want to commit an ocular crime. Plus, my Halloween character name would be:

#PumpkinDimpleSkin

Yeah. If the trend were to make-your-butt-look-like-a-orange, I'd win that. All. Day.

Dios Mio!

10/3/2018

If you're gonna be a dirty cheat, then dirty cheat on the DL. Or risk getting caught.

Let's say you sing in a mariachi band, and you've been hired by a lovestruck dude to play for his woman. Sweet! That is, until you realize the lady you're singing for is your wife and she's been knockin' da boots with someone else. O-laid!

The band arrived at the given address, and when woman appeared on the balcony, the lead singer realized what (who) was going down. But instead of fighting with his spouse, the dudes got into a shouting match and physical brawl. This "puta' had one home and life with her husband, and a second home and lover-- who was going to propose to her after the serenade was finished.

I'm expecting to see this plot unfold on Telemundo...

Anywho, guess she's homeless now. Instead of a mariachi band, maybe she can form a mari-hoochie band. She seems to be good at it.

Blizzard of Oz

9/26/2018

Things we never needed to know. But since it's out there, and perhaps you haven't heard, I thought I'd scar you like I've been scarred.

Sharon Osbourne, wife of the infamous and somehow-still-breathing-rocker Ozzy, was spread open like a book on a recent episode of The Talk when she revealed details of her happy-fun-time time with Oz. She said getting nekkid with him is a "bone of contention" (nice choice of words there). Why?

"He's got a problem. He's just like a rabbit. I'm (only in to it) like, birthdays, Christmas. At this point in my life, it's special occasions."

Hey, it's great to ride that pony when the desire hits. But the visual of Ozzy all fossil-y and bark-like is just...

You'd think all the drugs and booze would have deflated the Oz balloon, but no?

And now rabbits are again ruined for me (see a previous post of the bunny dude).

And now when I hear some Ozzy songs, I'll be thinking:

"Iron Ween"

"Flying Bone Again"

"Bark at Some Poon"

You're Killin' me!

9/19/2018

Love ain't in the air for this lovely. Romance novelist Nancy Crampton-Brody is accused of killing her husband of 26 years. Yikes!

Daniel Brophy was a beloved culinary teacher. His students found his body on the floor in the classroom. That's not scarring at all! His wife tried to deflect suspicion with this moving (?) eulogy at his funeral:

"Daniel was one of the few people I've ever known who did exactly what he wanted in life and loved doing it. He was a person who did what he loved: he loved teaching, he loved mushrooms, he loved his family."

Mushrooms? Perhaps, Miss Romance loved "mushrooms" because no motive has been revealed in this case.

This all reminds me of the interrogation scene from Basic Instinct-- not the crotch part... but the whole part about being stupid if you committed the same crime you wrote about in a book. Anywho...

Maybe you've read some of Ms. Murder's (alleged) novels:

The Wrong Hero
The Wrong Brother
The Wrong Husband

Foreshadow much with that last one?

Perhaps your next title should be:

#TheWrongAlibi

Au Naturel

8/7/2018

Attention, Ladies:
Put down those razors and forget waxing. The "Bald Eagle" look for your cookie jar is OUT. Full-on growth is IN.

Hello, 1970s!

Fashionistas at Vogue magazine have spoken. And they say The "shrub" is the new Brazilian. We need to thank(?) our Hollywood sisters on their tireless efforts advocating against pube discrimination. New York holistic gyno Dr. Eden Frombergis is as happy as a bearded clam:

"Women are becoming increasingly aware that our bodies are a lot more than the visual or sexual playthings."

#FullBushMatters

I'm going to have to give this a hard "no". Why? Because when a woman reaches a certain time in her life, her hair turns gray. All. Of. It. Turns... "77 South" is deteriorating... And nobody wants to travel south and see Don King in a head lock.

Boogie Wonderwhat?

8/1/2018

Break out the bell bottoms, way-too-wide collars, and a plethora of polyester! Get ready for a big, shiny mirror ball up in yo face!

The 2018 edition of Burning Man will feature a ginormous, 30-ton, inflatable disco ball. Designer Bjarke Ingels says his creation is supposed to represent Earth.

Guess it'll be really easy to check my makeup, or to determine if my pants make my butt look fat since there's a big mirror right there.

I'm sensing there can only be ill that happens because of this giant ball. What if things start catching fire from the sun's rays bouncing off? Or what if someone goes blind? Or someone gets cut in half from some laser beam? Or what if this thing escapes and becomes an enlarged rogue pinball from some Arnold Schwarzenegger-futuristic-type film and plows everyone over?!?!?

Plus, the depiction of this thing makes me think of that Spice Girls video set in the desert:

By the way, Flat Earthers are gonna be bent over this!

Pee Pee's Rank Adventure

7/25/2018

What in the actual f*ck!?!?

When grown folk need to tinkle and we can't get to a proper relief facility, we hold it. Apparently some choose not to, and decide peeing on the floor is the best option.

While on a Wizz Airlines flight (no joke), a passenger asked if she could use the bathroom while the plane was in refuel mode. She was denied. So she pee-pee-danced to the galley, dropped trou, and let it flow-- while on the phone with a gal pal:

"I asked them (cabin crew) if I could use the toilet, but they said I could not right now. So I am peeing in the galley. Right in front of them."

The "pissy" passenger was also being filmed-- and couldn't care less. In fact, she kept talking on her phone:

"The police are coming because it is my fault. All my fault."

Take a listen:

"Follow the yellow piss road with Wizz Airlines!"