Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel

Au Naturel

8/7/2018

Attention, Ladies:
Put down those razors and forget waxing. The "Bald Eagle" look for your cookie jar is OUT. Full-on growth is IN.

Hello, 1970s!

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Fashionistas at Vogue magazine have spoken. And they say The "shrub" is the new Brazilian. We need to thank(?) our Hollywood sisters on their tireless efforts advocating against pube discrimination. New York holistic gyno Dr. Eden Frombergis is as happy as a bearded clam:

"Women are becoming increasingly aware that our bodies are a lot more than the visual or sexual playthings."

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#FullBushMatters

I'm going to have to give this a hard "no". Why? Because when a woman reaches a certain time in her life, her hair turns gray. All. Of. It. Turns... "77 South" is deteriorating... And nobody wants to travel south and see Don King in a head lock.

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Boogie Wonderwhat?

8/1/2018

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Break out the bell bottoms, way-too-wide collars, and a plethora of polyester! Get ready for a big, shiny mirror ball up in yo face!

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The 2018 edition of Burning Man will feature a ginormous, 30-ton, inflatable disco ball. Designer Bjarke Ingels says his creation is supposed to represent Earth.

Guess it'll be really easy to check my makeup, or to determine if my pants make my butt look fat since there's a big mirror right there.

I'm sensing there can only be ill that happens because of this giant ball. What if things start catching fire from the sun's rays bouncing off? Or what if someone goes blind? Or someone gets cut in half from some laser beam? Or what if this thing escapes and becomes an enlarged rogue pinball from some Arnold Schwarzenegger-futuristic-type film and plows everyone over?!?!?

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Plus, the depiction of this thing makes me think of that Spice Girls video set in the desert:

By the way, Flat Earthers are gonna be bent over this!

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Pee Pee's Rank Adventure

7/25/2018

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What in the actual f*ck!?!?

When grown folk need to tinkle and we can't get to a proper relief facility, we hold it. Apparently some choose not to, and decide peeing on the floor is the best option.

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While on a Wizz Airlines flight (no joke), a passenger asked if she could use the bathroom while the plane was in refuel mode. She was denied. So she pee-pee-danced to the galley, dropped trou, and let it flow-- while on the phone with a gal pal:

"I asked them (cabin crew) if I could use the toilet, but they said I could not right now. So I am peeing in the galley. Right in front of them."

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The "pissy" passenger was also being filmed-- and couldn't care less. In fact, she kept talking on her phone:

"The police are coming because it is my fault. All my fault."

Take a listen:

"Follow the yellow piss road with Wizz Airlines!"

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Plugged In

7/18/2018

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What is it with the Chinese and their predilection for putting things where they don't belong? Like eels in the "backdoor storage unit"... and a USB cable in the "spring roll."

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A 13-year-old boy in China decided one day that sticking a 20 centimeters-long USB cable in his "skin flute" would be a titillating idea. After a few moments he realized this was not his best-laid plan and tried to reverse the action. Sadly, he failed. Imagine having to tell your mom and pops that you need to visit the ER for your plug-in fail.

A urologist tried to work his magic:

"... The cable reached his bladder, where it tangled and ended up in a knot, so when he tried to pull it back out, it became stuck."

I feel bad for the kid, but at least a truth has been verified: My mother told me to never marry an Asian man because they are cheap and...

have small... weens.

Hmmmmmm....

If the cable is 20 centimeters (which is 7.87 inches), and it gets bunched before you reach the end, then...

20 cm + knotted cable = small ween

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P.S. Guess this kid took the concept of a personal charger a bit too far, no?

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Banana in the Tailpipe

6/27/2018

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It's like that scene in Beverly Hills Cop, but with a twist. A randy twist.

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There are so many options when one is feeling amorous. So many non-arrestable options. Find someone. Use "Rosy". A pie sitting on the kitchen table-- whatevs. But a car tailpipe?

Proving once again that alcohol clouds one's judgement, a 23-year-old Kansas man was busted while "breaking one off" in the tailpipe of a car outside his apartment complex. What in the actual hell!?!?

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Questions. I have them.

1. What kind of tantric-sex-yoga-flex-armstrong shizz are you into that you're able to make a connection with a tailpipe?

2. "Happy fun time" is more pleasurable when your "plug-in" is soft and inviting.

3. Did you get a tetanus shot?

I can just hear the sweet talk now:

"I'm gonna bang the rust right off of you..."

P.S. His BAC was four (4) times the legal limit.

P.P.S. Police tased him. Cuz the hose would've been useless.

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Tastes Like... Chicken(?)

6/13/2018

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No! Just. No!

In an effort to corner the non-meat-eater market, The Colonel's cronies at KFC are developing a vegetarian fried chicken.

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It's gonna be sooo yummy, too, because the creators are still going to use the super-secret-guarded-11-different-spices-recipe.

"Development of the recipe is still in its very early stages, and so the options we're exploring in our kitchen are still top secret."

KFC's goal (in the U.K., at least) is to offer healthier options by 2020. Well, that's nice.

What about the Double Down? The $5 Big Box? The greasiest biscuits ever? Stick to what you know-- what you are at the core. Stick to being the home of the heart attack.

F*ck vegetarians. Because anything "healthy" they could consume at any fast food joint is still going to have a hint of grease and regret.

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P.S. I really don't hate vegetarians.

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Got Yellow?

5/2/2018

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You've heard of that icky disease yellow fever, right?:

"The yellow fever virus is found in tropical and subtropical areas of Africa and South America. The virus is spread to people by the bite of an infected mosquito. Yellow fever is a very rare cause of illness in U.S. travelers... There is no medicine to treat or cure infection."

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Then there's Yellow. Fever:

"... males who have a clear sexual preference for women of Asian descent, although it can also be used in reference to white females who prefer Asian men."

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Have you heard of Yellow Fever Eats restaurant? I hadn't either until they announced a partnership with Whole Foods. That's when everyones crusty granny panties got all wadded up their bungs. Why? Because an Asian restaurant called Yellow Fever is offensive-- even though the founder IS ASIAN! Kelly Kim opened her first location in a strip mall in California, and now she's a sensation for so many reasons... Because mostly white folk are upset over the "racism" of this restaurant.

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Kim is just trying to change perception of the phrase:

"One night, we just said 'Yellow Fever!' and it worked. It's tongue-in-cheek, kind of shocking, and it's not exclusive-- you can fit all Asian cultures under one roof with a name like this. We just decided to go for it."

Look, I'm half Asian. And the Yellow Fever is real. I could regale you with stories of males in my life that wanted to date me simply because of my Asian heritage. And yes, once you've had yellow you ain't mellow ever again. #fact

Can we all just have a good laugh? I hope this restaurant grows into more locations, and if one makes it over our way-- I'm gonna get the rewards card!

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P.S. You know you're hungry two hours after eating Asian food, so perhaps the true "yellow fever" is this never-ending hunger...
#truth

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I. C. P. U.

7/27/2015

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What is this an equation of?

Let's ask Mr. Roy Tilbott of Wyoming.

"Ya see. Occifur..."

During a routine traffic stop, police noticed several eyeballs slide from his right pant leg onto the road. Yes, you read that correctly-- EYEBALLS!?!?

Guess what cavity the eyeballs were hiding in? If you preview the above equation, you'll know exactly which end.

Holy sh*tballs!

Police quickly cuffed Talbot because they feared he was some sort of serial killer. Why would one hide eyeballs in their heiney?

Perhaps he just wanted to see you coming and going? Maybe he's testing a prototype rearview camera for his people? I've been threatening to design an acceptable 'man purse' for years. Anything is more acceptable than using your tush for a storage unit.

Tilbott confessed to stealing the cow eyes from Johnson Meats (I didn't make that up, seriously.) He was upset that his employer didn't allow employees to take home scraps, and he really, really, really, needed the cow eyeballs... for his special soup.

Yes, soup. See, Tilbott has a recipe for a soup that cures erectile dysfunction-- and the main ingredient is cow eyeballs.

"Love this Matzo (eye) ball soup! Flavorful, with a hint of Colon-tra..."

I could see this drunken fool trying to sell this crap:

"If your weiner's getting flat/A bowl of balls will bring it back."

P.S. He had 30 eyeballs in his ass. 30!

P.S.S. Talk about giving someone the "stink eye"...

P.S.S.S. Feel free to add your own horrible puns below...

To read more go to: CLICK HERE

PHOTO CREDIT:
Eyeball https://www.flickr.com/photos/kellyskustompinstriping/
Butt cheeks https://www.flickr.com/photos/myshorts/

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Au Naturel

Boogie Wonderwhat?

Pee Pee's Rank Adventure

Plugged In

Banana in the Tailpipe

Tastes Like... Chicken(?)

Got Yellow?

I. C. P. U.

About The "V" Spot...

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