Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Not Jazzy

5/22/2019

Forget reality TV. Just get real and get over to Walmart for your entertainment. It doesn't matter what part of town Walmart is in. If it's in Beverly Hills, it's going to attract the most "interesting" people society has to offer.

Our favorite place for weird stories never disappoints-- Florida. Walmart + Florida = gold.

27-year-old Kejuan Mccants was arrested and charged with indecent exposure after tooling around in a store scooter and junk-flashing a customer and employee.

He flashed one victim in the clothing department, and flashed the employee in the home goods department after he complimented her hair. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

This could all be a big (or not so big) misunderstanding. Perhaps he needed help with where to find the sausage links, so he was showing what he was looking for. Or maybe he wanted the dried fruit section, so he showed his raisins...

Really, you (Mc)can't expose your fruit bowl to others.

From Flabs to Abs

5/15/2019

While cosmetic surgery is more associated with the ladies, men are stepping up their tune-up game. And six-pack abs surgery is on the rise for men.Masterpiece Hospital in Bangkok offers instant six-pack abs, via surgery. Doctors draw the abs on with a marker, then make the abs by removing some of the fat.

Because eating right and working out is hard work, so... for $3,800 just buy them. But the effects don't last forever.

Dudes. Don't. "Dad bod" is in.

There are more pleasant, cheaper six-packs to enjoy in life. Wings, beer, pudding... pillows...

Ding Dong

5/8/2019

The idea of short shorts for men returning to the fashion scene was vurp-inducing enough (because it's usually People of Walmart who dare to wear such items). Now, this. The jeado:

Shinesty-- known for its outrageous fashion design-- has regaled us with this questionable fashion choice. Kudos for this brand's awesomeness in everything. Fail because I really never want to see this in real life. Fortunately, your fruit bowl won't suffer chaffing and rubbing because the jeado isn't actually made of denim. It just looks like denim. Because nobody wants to see you rubbing Vaseline on your damaged fruit.

Mamma Mia!

5/1/2019

Forget flower bouquets and perfume for mom on Mother's Day. Seriously, it's the thought that counts--but hasn't she had enough? Spicy things up. Literally and figuratively. KFC wants you to give mom something she'll remember: chicken and "rooster." The chicken chain is putting its own spin on the Chippendales dancers with their Chickendales.

"The Chickendales are cooking up two very special things this Mother's Day: hot meals and even hotter dance moves."

Enter your mom's name on their website. The Colonel and his Chickendales will dance for momma. Here's the one I did for mine:

That's... nice. What a Nashville Hot mother clucker...

Pump Up the What?

4/24/2019

There's nothing worse than when you go to bounce a ball and it "thuds". Needs air. Welp, some dudes are now concerned about their balls needing air. The solution? Scrotox.

That'sBotox injections in the ol' jewels. And it's growing in popularity. But why? Some dudes say they need pain relief. There's squeezing and stuff and the pressure, well, the "boys" need to relax. But i all honesty it's because dudes don't like the wrinkled-hairy-leathery look, so... prick, prick. Treatments are $1,000 for 50 sticks of the needle. Enjoy a smooth sack for nine-months.

P.S. Who the hell is staring at your kiwis to even care? Are you walking around committing a felony by flashing your stones? Or is this because you want to rule the gym locker room?

Dongola

4/10/2019

I'm all for acting on inspiration. Sometimes that action is immediate. Sometimes, it requires waiting for a more appropriate time. Apparently, this couple is all about the former.

The Sky Star Wheel in Cincinnati is a 150-foot ride that offers passengers awesome views of the city and the Ohio River. And... of a couple riding each other inside one of the gondolas.

Yup. They were so caught up in the moment, they decided they didn't care who saw them knockin' da boots-- even children.

Well, it is spring. And spring has sprung in this dude's pants...

Once the ride "came" to a complete stop, police were there to arrest them and charge them with disorderly conduct.

I hope hazmat was called to clean that gondola.

"Wheel in the sky keeps on... grinding..."

Blue Jean Baby

4/3/2019

Ah, yes. Fashion. Instances like this makes me content that I'm not fashionable. I like to look good, and still be comfortable. The only torture device I'll don is Spanx.

While I love denim, this is not the denim I'm into: denim panties.

This chick looks absolutely miserable in her denim panties. Well, duh! You're suffocating your taco with this.

You may be asking yourself: "But isn't it the same as wearing jeans?"

Hell-to-the-no! Since these "panties" can be worn under or over clothing, there's a lot of extra friction and heat going on in the cookie jar. You may accidentally start a brush fire!

If you must have these alleged must-have panties, then make them yourself and save the money.

P.S. Respect your crotch, ladies. Before it turns (sour) on you.

Dr. "No"vago

3/27/2019

The Russians bring so much entertainment. Whether it's all that awesome dashcam video, or stupid stunts that go way wrong on Fail Army, our bitter enemies know how to make headlines.

A Russian man was recently detained and then hospitalized (good move) after he tried to board a commercial airline flight-- totally naked. Dude was at the boarding gate, fully clothed. Then, he took off all his clothes and stood in the boarding line. Why? According to a witness, the man said:

"... because clothing impairs the aerodynamics of the body. He flies with more agility when undressed."

We're not sure if he thought he was going to fly next to the plane? Or perhaps he was trying to also help with the weight load. Cuz when I want to feel like less of a fat-ass, I take off all my clothes before I weigh myself. The sweatshirt and yoga pants are a good two pounds right there!

#FlyTheNakedSkies

Stupid is Coming

3/20/2019

I have a slight obsession with Game of Thrones. Not only have I binged watched the series twice, but I own a few GoT books, the GoT Monopoly game, and a Funko Pop or two are in my future. These items were inexpensive. But apparently, I'm not as devoted of a fan as one designer is hoping.

Designer John Varvatos has created an 11-piece "capsule" collection of men's clothing so that Westeros can forever live on your body. How about a Winterfell leather jacket? For$2,700.00.

No.

The cheapest item in this collection are tshirts priced at $98. While these items are cooler than the ridiculous "fashion" we've seen at the same price point, you just might need a loan from the Iron Bank to afford it.

PhallicSee

3/13/2019

One: I've never been a fan of HOAs. I think it serves some purpose, but really is a giant, expensive waste... and in this case-- a pain in the booty.

Two: It's amazing that people hear what they want to hear, and SEE what they want to see.

I thought this story was a joke at first because it was so ridiculous. But it's 100% true. A woman in Tennessee was fined by her HOA for the "rooster" she left on the ground.

No. She didn't drop a battery-operated device on the ground, nor did she "Lorena Bobbitt" someone. See, it snowed a little. And this woman's car left behind un-snowed on ground in the shape of an alleged ween. The offense car-pee-pee draw-er received this email:

"We are emailing you in regards to a recent incident involving your car... We have received reports that it is in violation of our by-laws. We have photographic evidence regarding this fact. Please know that you will be fined $100 in accordance with regards to our by-laws about displaying offensive images or slogans."

WTF?

Perhaps if the HOA cozied up to a Richard or two, it might not be so offended. The HOA overturned its decision, thankfully. But only after it concluded that the snowfall and unfortunate shape that resulted were not the homeowner's (nor the car's) fault.

Really. I know.