Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Just. No.

2/13/2019

I have a diverse palette. I enjoy cuisine from different areas, regions, countries. Also, I'm practical. But there's no way I'm eating squirrel for dinner.

Some people hate squirrels. Some people ate squirrels. I love squirrels. They've always been my "pet". I've been feeding squirrels out of my hand since childhood. I couldn't imagine feasting on one with a side of mac n cheese. But some chefs think we should be eating more squirrel-- because it will control the population.

Okay. Should we be eating dumb people because there's a whole lotta dumb in this world? Hecks-to-the-NO! One chef in London is cookin' up all the grey squirrels he can. He says it's delicious. Oh, sure. Tastes like chicken, right?

If the world becomes The Walking Dead, then whatevs. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Otherwise, where's the beef?

Sad Cookie

2/6/2019

We all experience sadness or depression at one point in our lives. For some, it's a lifelong battle. But I had no idea our body parts could experience sadness, until I came across this headline:

New Research Says Lack of Sex Makes Your Vagina Depressed

What? Like, it truly is a condition. Vaginal sadness. Actually, the scientific term is "vaginal atrophy."

Those suffering from said condition experience burning and itching sensations-- without any infection in the southern region. A lack of down-low action makes our vajay-jays depressed which can lead to that atrophy thing.

I sense a lot of pickup-line-material for guys everywhere...

Get to therapy-- stat! Is there a special couch to lie my cookie jar on so it can "speak" to the therapist comfortably? Perhaps one should just skip the talking and find Dr. Richard-- even if he's from the Adam & Eve catalogue.

Disco Dog Balls

1/30/2019

If last week's post about Unicorn Armpit Hair wasn't enough, this is far worse. Because it involves our beloved fur babies and how people are just fools. We have a choice over what we do with our bodies. Our pets don't have a choice over which stupid human is supposed to take care of him/her and has no voice on whether or not she/he wants his/her crotchbedazzled!

There's a new, disturbing trend to sparkle your boy dog's sack. But it's okay, because the stylist uses corn syrup and edible glitter.

Phew!

What in the af is wrong with people!?! First of all, your dog should be neutered (and perhaps you should be as well) to prevent a million other dogs that might potentially have their "little bulbs" glittered against their will.

Pets are a privilege.

Rainbows and Unicorn Pits

1/23/2019

I get it. We ladies on this side of the pond are not down with down-low hair or any kind of excessive hair. We shave our legs, our armpits, our tacos... I tried to go underarm shrub, but it was just icky and stanky. So why in the name of sweet baby Jesus would I:

One: want to grow out my underarm hair.
Two: decorate it and show it off?

With a new year comes new trends in "fashion" and the latest is: Unicorn Armpit Hair

If unicorns existed, they'd be pissed off that we're taking their magical awesomeness and bastardizing it by borrowing said magical essence to make our hairs all coolish.

So, go hit-up YouTube if you so desire to flash your rainbow pits. Even though this month has been dubbed "Januhairy" (so women can embrace and love their body hair), you'd think people would try this "trend" in a warmer month. Up here in the Midwest, we ain't exposing much flesh.

P.S. I really think this "movement" is for lazy beyotches who don't want to maintain themselves.

Hot Taco

12/19/2018

The internet. So glad Al Gore invented it for all of us to lose precious brain cells cyber slacking. It's quite the battle ground. We'll heatedly debate anything on the interwebs.

Put aside the "Baby, It's Cold Outside" fight, and make way for:

A hot dog is a taco.

The war has already been waged on whether or not a hot dog is a sandwich or not. Thanks to pot-stirrers the Washington Post, they intimated that a hot dog is a taco.

A sandwich is stuff between two pieces of bread. A hot dog doesn't qualify because the ween is nestled in a bun-- which is one folded piece of "bread". So, they theorize that a hot dog is a taco.

Maybe. But wouldn't a hot dog then be categorized as a soft taco? I don't understand why we can't just let a hot dog be a hot dog and stand alone in its own category. Why must we try to make a hot dog fit into another food box?

The only way I think that hot dogs and tacos are related is that some "hot dogs" are in search of a (pink) taco.

However you feel, just shove them both in your mouth and enjoy.

Oh, Holy Sh*t

12/12/2018

WTH is wrong with people? I'm starting to believe that people intentionally look for something to be offended about. The latest: candy canes.

What could possibly be offensive about candy canes? Their refreshing flavor? The color red? Or is it because when flipped upside down, they look like the letter "J". And the "J" obviously stands for "Jesus" since Christmas is his birthday.

That's logical.

A principal at a Nebraska elementary school said:

"We are not to be doing any Christmas or holiday-specific themed activities with students. Santa and Christmas items are not to be on activities or copies... (candy canes) the shape is 'J' for Jesus. The red is the blood of Christ, and the white is a symbol of his resurrection."

Uh... I don't recall learning that one in Sunday school.

This means the celebration OF NOTHING!!!

I think we should ban snow because it's... white.

Here's a thought-- why not TEACH the children all the different "Christmas" celebrations and their history; teach them about Hanukkah, Kwanzaa. Wait. That would make sense.

Ban everything!

I can think of many other things this supposed "J" could symbolize in regards to this princidouche, but two come to mind: Jerk & Jackass.

Cheeky

12/5/2018

Ten football players from Northern Illinois high school were suspended for their carefree, immature ways. They decided to run naked across a field. With Oreo cookies shoved in their butt cracks.

I think they should be charged with abuse of an Oreo, cuz that shizz is too good to not eat. They should also be charged with misdemeanor indecent exposure (a tiny offense)-- because running naked in November isn't a good look for the fruit bowl. Unless your goal was to sport your manginas.

School officials determined the boys ran naked of their own free will. Sadly, their team lost the championship game.

Ore-no.

Gobble Squabble

11/28/2018

My favorite dumb criminal stories are those that originate from Florida. Seems most of the dumb criminal stories are from there... Anywho... did you know people are cray-cray?

Take for example, 31-year-old Rebecca Phelps. She wanted her "turkey" stuffed on Thanksgiving, and made her intentions known by grabbing her boyfriend's junk. He was still sleeping (pretending) and turned down her subtle advances. Well, when a woman wants breakfast sausage, she wants breakfast sausage and she doesn't care if you don't want to serve it!

She scratched the poor dude so hard by his left eye, it became swollen and turned black and blue. But... maybe she's not the only crazy one in this relationship. Last Fall, she got violent when he turned her down. Eeeek!

1. Dude, you need to run. Fast. Like, leave your stuff behind and go!

2. Psycho, have you not heard of batteries?

Oh, Christmas Beard!

11/21/2018

This is tame. And lame. If ladies are being encouraged to glitter their rumps and wreath their nips, then dudes should be required to decorate the yule log. Cuz honestly, something needs to be done to make that thang look attractive. Anywho, the new trend for the holiday season for men-- decorating their beards with tiny Christmas lights.

The lights are battery-powered with a pack small enough to hide and clip in an epic beard-- I'm assuming. The lights also change color and clip into a beard painlessly.

What's the fun in that? Do you know how much discomfort women deal with to look good? Plus, let's get back to the inequality here. These lights need to be used on the man's southern shore. For years, rogue men have hung mistletoe from their nether regions, so let's take this up a notch and and see some festive roosters... in theory. Because I really don't want to see any unsolicited candy canes.

Stretch Dongstrong

11/14/2018

Guess the love is gone. A woman from Zimbabwe is suing her ex-boyfriend because his 'banana' stretched out her 'picnic basket.' Now, she needs reconstructive surgery.

She claims her 'storage unit' was nice and tight-y, but when Wonder Schlong came along, that one lane became an eight-lane superhighway. And since it was his 'wide load' that caused the issue, she wants him to pay for the surgery.

Uhmmm.... Didn't you get a 'feel for the ripeness' of the fruit in the fruit bowl before making a love connection?

No word on dude's dimensions.