Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Please Like Me

5/29/2019

For some people, a good job, money for retirement and a happy family are what makes for a well-lived life. For others, it's all about internet fame. Case in point, this idiot. A Connecticut man with seven warrants out for his arrest has decided to turn himself in if he gets 15,000 Facebook likes on the police department's post of his criminal behavior.

Police in Torrington, Connecticut, shared a "help wanted" post on its FB page and included a photo of 29-year-old Jose Simms. The dude originally wanted 20,000 likes, but police talked him down to 15,000. As of now, the post has over 29,000 likes.

But Simms is still in the wind. Like a fart. Hope he's eventually apprehended. And given a proper prison greeting.

Not Jazzy

5/22/2019

Forget reality TV. Just get real and get over to Walmart for your entertainment. It doesn't matter what part of town Walmart is in. If it's in Beverly Hills, it's going to attract the most "interesting" people society has to offer.

Our favorite place for weird stories never disappoints-- Florida. Walmart + Florida = gold.

27-year-old Kejuan Mccants was arrested and charged with indecent exposure after tooling around in a store scooter and junk-flashing a customer and employee.

He flashed one victim in the clothing department, and flashed the employee in the home goods department after he complimented her hair. Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

This could all be a big (or not so big) misunderstanding. Perhaps he needed help with where to find the sausage links, so he was showing what he was looking for. Or maybe he wanted the dried fruit section, so he showed his raisins...

Really, you (Mc)can't expose your fruit bowl to others.

From Flabs to Abs

5/15/2019

While cosmetic surgery is more associated with the ladies, men are stepping up their tune-up game. And six-pack abs surgery is on the rise for men.Masterpiece Hospital in Bangkok offers instant six-pack abs, via surgery. Doctors draw the abs on with a marker, then make the abs by removing some of the fat.

Because eating right and working out is hard work, so... for $3,800 just buy them. But the effects don't last forever.

Dudes. Don't. "Dad bod" is in.

There are more pleasant, cheaper six-packs to enjoy in life. Wings, beer, pudding... pillows...

Ding Dong

5/8/2019

The idea of short shorts for men returning to the fashion scene was vurp-inducing enough (because it's usually People of Walmart who dare to wear such items). Now, this. The jeado:

Shinesty-- known for its outrageous fashion design-- has regaled us with this questionable fashion choice. Kudos for this brand's awesomeness in everything. Fail because I really never want to see this in real life. Fortunately, your fruit bowl won't suffer chaffing and rubbing because the jeado isn't actually made of denim. It just looks like denim. Because nobody wants to see you rubbing Vaseline on your damaged fruit.

Mamma Mia!

5/1/2019

Forget flower bouquets and perfume for mom on Mother's Day. Seriously, it's the thought that counts--but hasn't she had enough? Spicy things up. Literally and figuratively. KFC wants you to give mom something she'll remember: chicken and "rooster." The chicken chain is putting its own spin on the Chippendales dancers with their Chickendales.

"The Chickendales are cooking up two very special things this Mother's Day: hot meals and even hotter dance moves."

Enter your mom's name on their website. The Colonel and his Chickendales will dance for momma. Here's the one I did for mine:

That's... nice. What a Nashville Hot mother clucker...

Pump Up the What?

4/24/2019

There's nothing worse than when you go to bounce a ball and it "thuds". Needs air. Welp, some dudes are now concerned about their balls needing air. The solution? Scrotox.

That'sBotox injections in the ol' jewels. And it's growing in popularity. But why? Some dudes say they need pain relief. There's squeezing and stuff and the pressure, well, the "boys" need to relax. But i all honesty it's because dudes don't like the wrinkled-hairy-leathery look, so... prick, prick. Treatments are $1,000 for 50 sticks of the needle. Enjoy a smooth sack for nine-months.

P.S. Who the hell is staring at your kiwis to even care? Are you walking around committing a felony by flashing your stones? Or is this because you want to rule the gym locker room?

Air Twerker Controller

4/17/2019

Who knew Spirit Airlines should be renamed "Spirits" Airlines? Apparently, this is the airline to see some serious wacky shizz.

While en route from Orlando the Newark, (Ah, yes. Jersey. Now it all makes sense.) a woman decided to get all melt-down-y mid-flight. It started innocently enough. She had a couple of drinks-- because flying can be nerve-wracking. We get it. But then she got angry.Really. Angry. When a flight attendant dared to ask her to put her phone away.

Gulp!

That's when Mizz Classy decided to jump up and twerk on her fellow passengers and flash her boobalas-- even daring those poor passengers to record her:

"Record all you f&cking want!"

Okay!

She was ready to rumble with anyone that challenged her as she was escorted off the flight.

Who cares about the peanuts when you can get random nuts anytime!

Dongola

4/10/2019

I'm all for acting on inspiration. Sometimes that action is immediate. Sometimes, it requires waiting for a more appropriate time. Apparently, this couple is all about the former.

The Sky Star Wheel in Cincinnati is a 150-foot ride that offers passengers awesome views of the city and the Ohio River. And... of a couple riding each other inside one of the gondolas.

Yup. They were so caught up in the moment, they decided they didn't care who saw them knockin' da boots-- even children.

Well, it is spring. And spring has sprung in this dude's pants...

Once the ride "came" to a complete stop, police were there to arrest them and charge them with disorderly conduct.

I hope hazmat was called to clean that gondola.

"Wheel in the sky keeps on... grinding..."

Blue Jean Baby

4/3/2019

Ah, yes. Fashion. Instances like this makes me content that I'm not fashionable. I like to look good, and still be comfortable. The only torture device I'll don is Spanx.

While I love denim, this is not the denim I'm into: denim panties.

This chick looks absolutely miserable in her denim panties. Well, duh! You're suffocating your taco with this.

You may be asking yourself: "But isn't it the same as wearing jeans?"

Hell-to-the-no! Since these "panties" can be worn under or over clothing, there's a lot of extra friction and heat going on in the cookie jar. You may accidentally start a brush fire!

If you must have these alleged must-have panties, then make them yourself and save the money.

P.S. Respect your crotch, ladies. Before it turns (sour) on you.

Dr. "No"vago

3/27/2019

The Russians bring so much entertainment. Whether it's all that awesome dashcam video, or stupid stunts that go way wrong on Fail Army, our bitter enemies know how to make headlines.

A Russian man was recently detained and then hospitalized (good move) after he tried to board a commercial airline flight-- totally naked. Dude was at the boarding gate, fully clothed. Then, he took off all his clothes and stood in the boarding line. Why? According to a witness, the man said:

"... because clothing impairs the aerodynamics of the body. He flies with more agility when undressed."

We're not sure if he thought he was going to fly next to the plane? Or perhaps he was trying to also help with the weight load. Cuz when I want to feel like less of a fat-ass, I take off all my clothes before I weigh myself. The sweatshirt and yoga pants are a good two pounds right there!

#FlyTheNakedSkies