Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Test Drive

9/16/2020

You wouldn't buy a house without looking at it first, and you certainly wouldn't buy a car without giving it a spin. With that train of thought, why wouldn't you try out a sex toy first?

Yup. Trying out a taco-stuffer. In. The. Store.

A 36-year-old Florida woman (that explains everything) was raised right. You know-- try it on for size before you take it home. That works with clothing... clothing! The woman fancied a pink-colored, phallus-shaped toy, took it into the employee store room, dropped trou, and decided to see if this one fits "just right".

The item "stolen" was valued at $45.98. I'm assuming her pee pee friend will be waiting for her after she resolves her misdemeanor larceny and indecent exposure charges...

P.S. At least she kept her shirt on during the test drive.

P.P.S. Maybe she thinks she's Goldicocks...

Snake Charmer

9/9/2020

And for my next trick, I pull a 4-foot snake out of my mouth!

Doctors had to remove the reptile from the woman's mouth. They say it must've gotten there that one time she slept outdoors and it slinked into her mouth.

Uh-huh.

We're not buying this rattled tail. Lemme tell ya, if someone tries to stick something in my mouth, it would wake me up in an instant. We're to believe this 4-foot long snake slithered down her throat and hid somewhere for a while before she then felt sick and realized something was wrong?

Or did she accidentally "sit on it" like that dude in China "accidentally" sat on an eel?

Methinks she was getting some practice for her OnlyFans account. Or perhaps she was planning the choreography for her instructional video on places you can put snakes.

P.S. She didn't gag when the snake slithered into her mouth... She's a keeper, guys!

Bro-ken

9/2/2020

If the Speedo weren't bad enough. Let's make it badder! Not bad-ass. Just. Bad. Guys-- get ready to rock the Brokini!

It's like a cross between Borat and something the late Freddie Mercury would wear. And it's not pretty... for the average dude. The Brokini is the male version of the bikini, I guess-- a Speedo with a one-shoulder strap. The Brokini was born from joke-dom. But now, it may become a "thing".

Since men aren't known to be vigilant about the sunscreen, the tan lines will be epic. And then there's the whole being-hairy-thing.

I feel like the Brokini is a ween slingshot on steroids...

Siliconed Valley

8/19/2020

Grief is a powerful force. And when one pays tribute to a beloved departed soul, it's a beautiful thing... beautiful-ish. A man from India was so missing his wife, he decided to immortalize her. As a silicone statue.

Okay. A little creepy... What's creepier? She always wanted to live in a bungalow, so he built one. For her. And then had a housewarming party to unveil his new digs and his new-ish wife. Surprisingly, his guests were down with his tribute. Of course, who would slam his display of affection? (Besides us).

She really does look lovely-- in traditional Indian dress-- seated on a fabulous couch.

Whew...

At least she's not... supine. Because after a night of drinking some desi daru he might think this is some other kind of silicone companionship, and well...

Maybe he likes 'em stiff.

That's what she said...

Laid & Paid

8/12/2020

Usually, getting paid to have the naked fun time (be it, mostly clinical) means the payee is a hooker or man-ho. But not in this case. It's for research...

Calling Dr. Dick and Dr. Kitty!

Sleep Standards is a website that provides content ranging from sleep-related advice to product reviews, and they're offering five couples $3,000 each if they're willing to make the bed springs whistle and give feedback on a bunch of different mattresses. The goal is to identify the best mattress for the lovin'. Legit research, no?

Couples will have to rate each mattress on: bounciness, noise, firmness, edge support, comfort, cooling, and overall score.

This rating criteria could also apply to one's partner... that's the score we all want to see!

Bon(er)us: the couples will get to keep one mattress of choice.

I hope the others are burned... cuz, ick.

Bone Man

8/5/2020

Some might find a 4 hour stiffy impressive, but...

The 'rona has caused some unusual side effects-- the lost of taste and smell, skin rashes... but for this poor 62-year-old French man--standing at attention for 4 hours! Fortunately, after a serious battle with this bullsh&t sickness he's fully recovered. But, if he could work that long-lasting side effect into his daily life... he'd have 'em lining up.

Just... wow...

Smacked

7/29/2020

Pretending like you're Adam & Eve will get you in a garden of pain if you're not careful, cuz granny ain't having it...

Lady Irina was just taking a stroll when she noticed some bushes moving. Well, of course, she panicked. It could be a mugger! Instead, the bushes were shaking because a couple was amongst the bush. Out of nowhere, Lady Irina brandished a wooden plank and started beating the Stoli out of them-- while cursing in Russian about how the two should be ashamed of themselves for playing outdoors. Yup, it was a double booty-beating for these two all caught on video.

Lady Irina should turn her justice into rubles. I'm sure there's a website or 1,000 she could submit to...

Cheeky

7/22/2020

There is no way I'd ever want any gift from Johnny Depp. Because his method of presentation is sketch. It seems that when he's really into with you, he'll gift you from his ass...

No. A donkey doesn't step up with a gift attached to its saddle. Johnny presents a gift from his butt cheeks.

During testimony in his libel suit, former flame Kate Moss said that Johnny was so "smitten" with her that he bought her a diamond necklace and stuffed it between his cheeks.

I. Can't.

Perhaps where Johnny comes from (he was born in KY), this is an acceptable way to give a gift...

So. Many. Questions. Was the necklace in a bag? Was he butt-flossing with it? Did he play "hot and cold" with his body? Was it a chocolate diamond?

Did she actually take the damned thing!!!!?!???!!!!???!!

Under the Butt Nut Hut

7/1/2020

I remember saying that as a kid. Snicker, snicker... but if you could take that "nut hut" concept and make a product for said nuts... Ingenious!

Why an ad for Shinesty's Ball Hammock sprung into my FB news feed, I don't know. But thank you for the multiple... LOLs.

"The Ball Hammock gives your boys the extra space they need to stay comfortable and adjustment-free, all damn day... If you don't love them and feel like your balls have been cradled by a cloud, we'll give you your money back..."

"Raisins" on a cloud... sounds like a dessert... in a porn...

The styles and patterns are fun, and... defining. But thecommercial is the best...

Stanktentional

6/24/2020

Lettin' one rip loudly in public is frowned upon. But sometimes, it slips out. For some, though, that tooting is intentional.

Police in Vienna, Austria, fined a man the equivalent of $564 USD for breaking wind with force and purpose. Yup. The suspect had already behaved in a "provocative and un-co-operative manner" when he decided to bring out the big guns. He got up from a park bench, and then:

"... looked at the officers and apparently intentionally released a massive intestinal wind in the immediate vicinity of the officers."

Which is assault. With his ass ocarina.

Brings to mind the song "Aqualung", but with altered lyrics...

"Stinking on a park bench..."