Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel

Gassed

4/7/2021

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

There's farting. And there's something described as "extreme farts."

I don't know what this means, exactly. Does the phrase mean frequency? Smell? Sound? In this case, it's causal. A 67-year-old man from Thailand finally took his potent ass to the E.R. to find out what was causing his "extreme farts". His poop-in-a-jar test was so concerning, they rushed this dude off to the Parasitic Disease Research Center. He had a tapeworm taking up residence in his ass. Oh, but(t) it gets better(?)... Said tapeworm was 59-feet-long, and came with 28 eggs.

Vurp.

He had an entire neighborhood living southside and not paying rent. Pffft. Deworming meds cleared up the "extreme farts" issue. But the medical staff still has questions... and so do we. So. Do. We.

Bun-gee Jumping

3/31/2021

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

I've thought about bungee jumping, as in "Maybe I'll try it one day. When I'm 85 and have nothing to lose." My concern is that I won't bounce back, and will simply splat into the ground. So, props to all you daredevils out there doing daredevil-y things. But this... THIS is not something I would try. Bungee jumping with the cords attached-- to my butt.

via GIPHY

Yes. You read that correctly. Cords attached to one's ass. A Russian thrill-seeker put on his best thong and decided to jump off an 89-foot bridge with the bungee cords attached to his butt piercings. Witnesses say he was heard screaming all the way down. How in the af did his piercings not rip out?!?!? Unless he had secondary cord attachment, how did he not become one with the ground?

I suspect vodka was involved in this stunt. As most things in Russia are fueled by vodka.

Here, Pussycat

3/24/2021

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

Thor is a beast. No, really. the 11-year-old lion at Burgers' Zoo in The Netherlands had sired too many cubs. So, you know what happened next...

via GIPHY

The ol' snip-snip.

Veterinarian Henk Luten said this was the first vasectomy he's ever performed on a lion in his 35-years of vet-ing. Apparently, Thor spent his quarantine knocking-up two lionesses with a total of five cubs. The staff was fearful of Thor overpopulating the genetic pool.

I'm impressed. Now, Thor can swang that wang without consequence. King of the Jungle, indeed...

To The Moon

3/17/2021

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

Let's be honest. The shizz is getting real down here. Whether the zombies take over or a humongous asteroid rocks our world, something really bad is probs going to happen to good ol' Planet Earth. So, scientists have an idea: let's send all the sperm to the moon.

via GIPHY

Yup. The little swimmers of 6.7 million species will be sent to the moon and stored beneath the surface. It sounds like a good backup plan in case things take a turn. But my question is, if there is ultimate destruction-- who's going to be the "who" to go back to the moon to get this goop, and how are we going to get back up there? Are we sending a couple of babysitters on sperm watch? Then how would they get back?

Maybe the swimmers will "swim" back to Earth. If so, this is Michael Phelps worthy.

Point & Puss

3/10/2021

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

Art is art. And how people choose to capture that art is part of the art process. "A Woman's Right to Pleasure" is a book featuring the works of a photographer who captured her subjects with a unique camera. A vajcam.

via GIPHY

Yes. A coochie cam. A self-fashioned camera device in her jayjay. Dani Lessnau captured her subjects through a plastic film canister transformed to serve as a pinpoint camera. She covered each of her eight cameras with a condom, and then did her thing. But since a single exposure taking up to a minute and a half, well, she had to be in the Flying V position for a bit.

So many questions on just the logistics alone... When someone says they've taken up photography, well... ask them where "up" is...

Riding the Bunny Trail

3/3/2021

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

No matter how old we get, our parents will be our parents. And there are some things that will create awkward moments in perpetuity. Like... the sex stuff.

via GIPHY

A man wrote to Men's Health that he and his fiancee were finally able to visit his parents, so they spent two weeks with mom and pops. The visit went well. But when the couple returned home, they realized they left something behind-- what the man describes as an:

"enormous pink rabbit vibrator"

He says his parents are so conservative, they never talked one about sex in their household. The advice given? Be open and honest with the parent he's closest to and say it's okay for them totoss the rabbit away.

But that leads me to wonder if mom is secretly excited to have found Mr. Love Buttontail? Maybe their son has unintentionally opened a red door for them. Or... what if his parents are closet freaks and he never knew. You know, that prim and proper exterior...

(Ball) Gag. No one needs these visions... Sorry.

Bouncing Baby Doll

2/24/2021

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

Love is love, right? Even if it's with a blowup doll.

via GIPHY

Correction. Even if it's with a companion doll. Chinese man Xie Tianrong (thank goodness his last name isn't "Dong" because, you know...) became fascinated with realistic silicone dolls back in 2010. He wanted one so badly, but they cost too much. Fast-forward to 2019 when he found one for a measly $1,500. Well, Cupid's arrow struck!

Xie and Mochi (the doll's name) shacked up for several months. Sometime last year, they got engaged. The two remained chaste (oh, sure) because Xie was afraid that kissing his girl would damage her sensitive skin. But now, the couple welcomes a bouncing baby... doll. Yup. His doll got knocked-up even though no boots knocked. They haven't named their baby yet, but Xie says he keeps them both happy with gifts.

Do y'all think he still lives in his parents basement?

Hardened Criminal

2/17/2021

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

No offense, guys. But some of you are a whole lotta dumb.

Straight outta Serbia, a 24-year-old man ran into a gas station with the intention of robbing it. The cashier refused to hand over the money, so dude punched him, grabbed the money, and ran to the back office where he had his sights on the safe. While making his demands, the punched employee called police.

Then things took a turn. Some rando woman appeared and offered the Derpian a little skin flute performance before he fled the scene. Most robbers would take off with the cold, hard, cash. But since this guy apparently had a high hard one in his pants, he took her up on the offer. Really. This robbery is no longer in progress for the sake of oral.

via GIPHY

The police arrived on the scene, and found the dumbass criminal and woman in a "compromising position" in the bathroom. The "flutist" reportedly told police: "He's yours now."

Is this woman a pro? Because she had no problem taking on some unknown sausage.... If she's a gas station employee, she deserves a raise (a non-fleshy one) and a free penicillin shot.

I can just hear this criminal now: "I would've gotten away with it if it weren't for that pesky BJ..."

Needle in a Vstack

2/10/2021

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

A needle and a haystack kind of go together, according to that saying. But what about a needle in a lady's vajpack?

via GIPHY

An Ohio police officer was stabbed with a hypodermic syringe that was concealed in a woman's flesh purse. It happened after officers pulled over the car in which she was a passenger. Several drug items were found in the car, which led to a search. When the officer was injured, the woman claimed it was from a piercing. Riiiight. Hopefully, the officer is okay.

Somebody tell this criminal to keep her prick to herself.

Dick Tock

2/3/2021

Check out what's hittin' the spot this time...

Timepieces are stylish. Whether it's a fancy watch or a pocket watch, it's a cool accessory that dudes really love. Some people like stopwatches, and others-- like Conor McGregor-- like a good ol'"hot" watch.

via GIPHY

Conor dropped the U.S. equivalent of $3 million on the Rasputin from Jacob & Co. The watch is completely diamond-encrusted, with a dirty little secret inside. Press the button, and a shimmering door opens, revealing the image of a naked woman lying on her stomach in a prone position, with an aroused naked man behind her pumping every second away.

Perhaps this is where his mind was one he got knocked out by Dustin Poirier in the second round a couple weeks ago...

Apparently, time is money (shot)...

<<Previous

Forward>>

Gassed

Bun-gee Jumping

Here, Pussycat

To The Moon

Point & Puss

Riding the Bunny Trail

Bouncing Baby Doll

Hardened Criminal

Needle in a Vstack

Dick Tock

About The "V" Spot...

Categories

Archives