Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Dongola

4/10/2019

I'm all for acting on inspiration. Sometimes that action is immediate. Sometimes, it requires waiting for a more appropriate time. Apparently, this couple is all about the former.

The Sky Star Wheel in Cincinnati is a 150-foot ride that offers passengers awesome views of the city and the Ohio River. And... of a couple riding each other inside one of the gondolas.

Yup. They were so caught up in the moment, they decided they didn't care who saw them knockin' da boots-- even children.

Well, it is spring. And spring has sprung in this dude's pants...

Once the ride "came" to a complete stop, police were there to arrest them and charge them with disorderly conduct.

I hope hazmat was called to clean that gondola.

"Wheel in the sky keeps on... grinding..."

Blue Jean Baby

4/3/2019

Ah, yes. Fashion. Instances like this makes me content that I'm not fashionable. I like to look good, and still be comfortable. The only torture device I'll don is Spanx.

While I love denim, this is not the denim I'm into: denim panties.

This chick looks absolutely miserable in her denim panties. Well, duh! You're suffocating your taco with this.

You may be asking yourself: "But isn't it the same as wearing jeans?"

Hell-to-the-no! Since these "panties" can be worn under or over clothing, there's a lot of extra friction and heat going on in the cookie jar. You may accidentally start a brush fire!

If you must have these alleged must-have panties, then make them yourself and save the money.

P.S. Respect your crotch, ladies. Before it turns (sour) on you.

Dr. "No"vago

3/27/2019

The Russians bring so much entertainment. Whether it's all that awesome dashcam video, or stupid stunts that go way wrong on Fail Army, our bitter enemies know how to make headlines.

A Russian man was recently detained and then hospitalized (good move) after he tried to board a commercial airline flight-- totally naked. Dude was at the boarding gate, fully clothed. Then, he took off all his clothes and stood in the boarding line. Why? According to a witness, the man said:

"... because clothing impairs the aerodynamics of the body. He flies with more agility when undressed."

We're not sure if he thought he was going to fly next to the plane? Or perhaps he was trying to also help with the weight load. Cuz when I want to feel like less of a fat-ass, I take off all my clothes before I weigh myself. The sweatshirt and yoga pants are a good two pounds right there!

#FlyTheNakedSkies

Stupid is Coming

3/20/2019

I have a slight obsession with Game of Thrones. Not only have I binged watched the series twice, but I own a few GoT books, the GoT Monopoly game, and a Funko Pop or two are in my future. These items were inexpensive. But apparently, I'm not as devoted of a fan as one designer is hoping.

Designer John Varvatos has created an 11-piece "capsule" collection of men's clothing so that Westeros can forever live on your body. How about a Winterfell leather jacket? For$2,700.00.

No.

The cheapest item in this collection are tshirts priced at $98. While these items are cooler than the ridiculous "fashion" we've seen at the same price point, you just might need a loan from the Iron Bank to afford it.

PhallicSee

3/13/2019

One: I've never been a fan of HOAs. I think it serves some purpose, but really is a giant, expensive waste... and in this case-- a pain in the booty.

Two: It's amazing that people hear what they want to hear, and SEE what they want to see.

I thought this story was a joke at first because it was so ridiculous. But it's 100% true. A woman in Tennessee was fined by her HOA for the "rooster" she left on the ground.

No. She didn't drop a battery-operated device on the ground, nor did she "Lorena Bobbitt" someone. See, it snowed a little. And this woman's car left behind un-snowed on ground in the shape of an alleged ween. The offense car-pee-pee draw-er received this email:

"We are emailing you in regards to a recent incident involving your car... We have received reports that it is in violation of our by-laws. We have photographic evidence regarding this fact. Please know that you will be fined $100 in accordance with regards to our by-laws about displaying offensive images or slogans."

WTF?

Perhaps if the HOA cozied up to a Richard or two, it might not be so offended. The HOA overturned its decision, thankfully. But only after it concluded that the snowfall and unfortunate shape that resulted were not the homeowner's (nor the car's) fault.

Really. I know.

Crisp & Refreshing?

3/6/2019

What in the af is wrong with people? Some dude across the pond is gettin' all internet famous because of his daily habit... of drinking his own urine!

With all the beverages one can consume-- those that aren't waste products-- why would someone not stranded on an island or without resources in a zombie apocalypse drink their own pee? Because it's good for you.

Interior designer Fabian Farquharson got the notion to drink his potion from, wait for it... THE INTERNET! He says he's healthier, happier, and smarter.

"I'd been researching alternative medicines when I read about drinking aged urine. I've always been open-minded about that sort of thing, so I decided to give it a go and drink it fresh."

You know, if he's physically flexible enough to truly "drink it fresh" he'll make a killing from said internet.

I'll stay unhealthy and have a nice glass of aged... wine.

Pet-trol Officer

2/27/2019

Perhaps one police officer in Florida was taking his civil servant role too far. See, a couple was arrested for shoplifting from a Walmart (of course). The 20-somethings are kind of like a brokedown Bonnie and Clyde. All hot, steamy, dirty (like, unbathed), and needing-to-bump babymaker parts. But without the class and almost -criminal minds of B and C.

The two were in the back of the cruiser making out. They had zero f*cks to give-- unless said "effs" were for each other... wink, wink.

The officer even encouraged the randy romp by playing some Barry White for them.

Hey, he’s here to help. And he knows the two will be separated so… out of the kindness (?) of his heart he let the two fondle, smoke, and fornicate! Yes. He let them do "it".

Now the law guy is in trouble with the law for allowing the "pants prisoner" to be released

Perhaps the men in blue are against men with blue balls...

Secret Ingredient

2/20/2019

Last week I shared with you this "trend", or attempt at a "trend", of eating squirrel meat. Because it's tasty and controls the squirrel population. Ick.

Speaking of ick... the latest food "trend"-- menstrual blood. In foods.

And there are specific reasons for it. Not because you want to be known as the culinary wizard behind On The Rag Ragu... but because you want to keep your man faithful and worshiping the ground you walk on.

One blogger is all for it because this spits in the face of periods being taboo. Periods aren't taboo. Periods effing suck. I hate mine. Every month. I want Mamma Meno to show up because I'm tired of it all. With that said, it ain't cool to sneak some "red" into your man's meal for your underhanded reasons. If you need to rely on "magic" to keep your man, then you're going to be an insecure person your entire life. Here's a thought: invest in your relationship. Put the work in. And if he still walks, then let him. The next one will be better.

P.S. Just because most men will eat anything, they're not dumpsters for our womanly refuse. Let Tampax handle it.

Just. No.

2/13/2019

I have a diverse palette. I enjoy cuisine from different areas, regions, countries. Also, I'm practical. But there's no way I'm eating squirrel for dinner.

Some people hate squirrels. Some people ate squirrels. I love squirrels. They've always been my "pet". I've been feeding squirrels out of my hand since childhood. I couldn't imagine feasting on one with a side of mac n cheese. But some chefs think we should be eating more squirrel-- because it will control the population.

Okay. Should we be eating dumb people because there's a whole lotta dumb in this world? Hecks-to-the-NO! One chef in London is cookin' up all the grey squirrels he can. He says it's delicious. Oh, sure. Tastes like chicken, right?

If the world becomes The Walking Dead, then whatevs. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Otherwise, where's the beef?

Sad Cookie

2/6/2019

We all experience sadness or depression at one point in our lives. For some, it's a lifelong battle. But I had no idea our body parts could experience sadness, until I came across this headline:

New Research Says Lack of Sex Makes Your Vagina Depressed

What? Like, it truly is a condition. Vaginal sadness. Actually, the scientific term is "vaginal atrophy."

Those suffering from said condition experience burning and itching sensations-- without any infection in the southern region. A lack of down-low action makes our vajay-jays depressed which can lead to that atrophy thing.

I sense a lot of pickup-line-material for guys everywhere...

Get to therapy-- stat! Is there a special couch to lie my cookie jar on so it can "speak" to the therapist comfortably? Perhaps one should just skip the talking and find Dr. Richard-- even if he's from the Adam & Eve catalogue.