Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel

Stretch Dongstrong

11/14/2018

Guess the love is gone. A woman from Zimbabwe is suing her ex-boyfriend because his 'banana' stretched out her 'picnic basket.' Now, she needs reconstructive surgery.

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She claims her 'storage unit' was nice and tight-y, but when Wonder Schlong came along, that one lane became an eight-lane superhighway. And since it was his 'wide load' that caused the issue, she wants him to pay for the surgery.

Uhmmm.... Didn't you get a 'feel for the ripeness' of the fruit in the fruit bowl before making a love connection?

No word on dude's dimensions.

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Blinded By The... Crotch

11/7/2018

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We get it. When you want to happy-fun-time and you need a little assistance, you take it. But we suggest not turning to knock-off meds when you want to get-off.

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A 31-year-old dude from New York ordered generic liquid Viagra from the internet last year. That's Fail #1. Like most men, he thought: "More is better". So he took A LOT of the liquid erector. No, he didn't have a days-long pile of wood. He went blind.

Permanent eye damage.

After two days of flashing light and everything looking red, he went to the doctor. Permanent retina damage.

See, you can go blind... if you're a fool!

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Italian Stallion

10/31/2018

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Another day, another story about a politician with a side (ass) hustle.

You've probably never heard of New Hampshire state House of Representative Frank Sapareto, who's running for re-election. Now, we all have. He's getting sued by Jonathan Carter from Simi Valley, CA.

Oh, he's a porn producer.

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Supposedly Frank and Jon entered into business to produce pornos. Mr. Italian Sausage even filmed seven hours of footage for a movie he was to star in. But, he was unhappy with the footage and allegedly punch the steamy-Speilberg-wannabe in the head. The one on top. The "plot" of the film: after the apocalypse, women are on the prowl for the last man standing (erect).

"Sopressata" is denying everything:

"I don't know what you're talking about. Wow, that's a great story. I haven't heard that one. I thought we were all done going after men."

He claims he invested $5,000 into the making of tourism videos. Sure, touring the "mountains and valleys."

Politician Pee Pee for office!

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String Quartass

10/24/2018

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Don't you just want to punch a hypocrite in the face? (At least I do.)

A large number of people that patronize the arts, like the symphony, are snobs. They believe they are smarter, better educated, more socially acceptable than the rest of us. But inside lurks a pile of trash. And sometimes it comes out.

Rock concerts get a bad rap for all the booze and weed floating around. But at least concertgoers aren't trying to be something they are not. Meanwhile, I've never seen worst behavior then when I witnessed an older, supposedly-refined gentleman with his pink IZOD sweater tied around his shoulder, and picnic basket in hand get up in an usher's face at Blossom Music Center during a symphony performance. Why? Cuz he was druuuuunk and belligerent and wanted to get to his seats. Way to keep it classy.

Now this.

Out of Sweden, two symphony patrons got into a fight-- a physical fight-- over gum.

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During one quiet part during the piece, a woman in the balcony rustled a bag of gum. And that made the dude behind her angry. So, he grabbed the gum and threw it on the floor. She then slapped him the face, knocking his glasses off. The woman's beau then punched the gum-grabber, and then it became, according to a witness:

"very unpleasant"

Ya think?

I'm no Miss Manners, but I do know that loud noises during the symphony are poor etiquette. So is slapping and brawling. Maybe these two should try their shenanigans at an Insane Clown Posse concert. Let's see how that turns out for them.

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That Smell

10/17/2018

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Politics is a dirty business. For realz dirty. All the skeletons in your closet will come falling out if you're running for office.

Just ask Deborah Reno. She wanted to be a city councilwoman in Evanston, Wyoming. But her secret identity has been revealed. Looks like Debster has a side hustle:

Selling her used underwear and gym shorts to guys with that fetish, under the alias of "Mistee"

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I would've called myself "Miss 'Tang Sally", but I digress. The not-gonna-be-a-council-type regrets her secret life:

"(it was) an interesting experience. But an error in judgement. If you want to run for public office, it's probably not a good idea."

Hey, everybody's into something. No judgement here. Plus, Mistee is already a public servant, right? Helping those that need... fulfilled?

P.S. I don't think the Snuggle bear wants to sniff these... or maybe he does.

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Pumpkin Spicy!

10/10/2018

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It's a trend. Painting ones body parts to celebrate whatever. So why not turn your booty into something gourd-a-licious?

Instagram: @gogetglitter

I have to give props to the "ass artiste" that created this autumnal treat. But I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind:

First, this means a certain someone or someones has to help you get your backside into pumpkin-bling readiness. Then, someone or someones has to scrub that all off. That'll take hours! Of course, my entrepreneurial spirit would put that live on the internet and charge a fee...

Second, say you've gone to a Halloween party and had one too many lil' smokies and they aren't agreeing with your tummy. The "brass section" starts "playing". Does glitter poof out?

Third, do you also turn the up-top sistas into glittery pumpkins, or do you just wear a sparkly bra? Or paint them like pecan pies?

I could never, ever sport this look, because I care about your vision. I don't want to commit an ocular crime. Plus, my Halloween character name would be:

#PumpkinDimpleSkin

Yeah. If the trend were to make-your-butt-look-like-a-orange, I'd win that. All. Day.

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Dios Mio!

10/3/2018

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If you're gonna be a dirty cheat, then dirty cheat on the DL. Or risk getting caught.

Let's say you sing in a mariachi band, and you've been hired by a lovestruck dude to play for his woman. Sweet! That is, until you realize the lady you're singing for is your wife and she's been knockin' da boots with someone else. O-laid!

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The band arrived at the given address, and when woman appeared on the balcony, the lead singer realized what (who) was going down. But instead of fighting with his spouse, the dudes got into a shouting match and physical brawl. This "puta' had one home and life with her husband, and a second home and lover-- who was going to propose to her after the serenade was finished.

I'm expecting to see this plot unfold on Telemundo...

Anywho, guess she's homeless now. Instead of a mariachi band, maybe she can form a mari-hoochie band. She seems to be good at it.

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Blizzard of Oz

9/26/2018

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Things we never needed to know. But since it's out there, and perhaps you haven't heard, I thought I'd scar you like I've been scarred.

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Sharon Osbourne, wife of the infamous and somehow-still-breathing-rocker Ozzy, was spread open like a book on a recent episode of The Talk when she revealed details of her happy-fun-time time with Oz. She said getting nekkid with him is a "bone of contention" (nice choice of words there). Why?

"He's got a problem. He's just like a rabbit. I'm (only in to it) like, birthdays, Christmas. At this point in my life, it's special occasions."

Hey, it's great to ride that pony when the desire hits. But the visual of Ozzy all fossil-y and bark-like is just...

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You'd think all the drugs and booze would have deflated the Oz balloon, but no?

And now rabbits are again ruined for me (see a previous post of the bunny dude).

And now when I hear some Ozzy songs, I'll be thinking:

"Iron Ween"

"Flying Bone Again"

"Bark at Some Poon"

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You're Killin' me!

9/19/2018

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Love ain't in the air for this lovely. Romance novelist Nancy Crampton-Brody is accused of killing her husband of 26 years. Yikes!

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Daniel Brophy was a beloved culinary teacher. His students found his body on the floor in the classroom. That's not scarring at all! His wife tried to deflect suspicion with this moving (?) eulogy at his funeral:

"Daniel was one of the few people I've ever known who did exactly what he wanted in life and loved doing it. He was a person who did what he loved: he loved teaching, he loved mushrooms, he loved his family."

Mushrooms? Perhaps, Miss Romance loved "mushrooms" because no motive has been revealed in this case.

This all reminds me of the interrogation scene from Basic Instinct-- not the crotch part... but the whole part about being stupid if you committed the same crime you wrote about in a book. Anywho...

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Maybe you've read some of Ms. Murder's (alleged) novels:

The Wrong Hero
The Wrong Brother
The Wrong Husband

Foreshadow much with that last one?

Perhaps your next title should be:

#TheWrongAlibi

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Dyno-miiiiite!

9/12/2018

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I'm not a fan of taper candles. First, I don't own a candelabra-thingie. Second, I've always had the fear that if I did own and light a taper candle it would fall over and set me and the house on fire. Not fun.

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But I'm pretty sure I do know the difference between a taper candle and a stick of dynamite. And there are distinguishable differences. I suppose being in the dark might obscure one's sight and brain.

A Connecticut woman severely burned her hand and face after she lit a quarter stick of dynamite. See, the power went out. She needed light, and thought it was a candle...

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She and her husband found the dynamite in the basement. It was left behind by a previous owner (supposedly). I guess these two didn't have traditional flashlights, nor a flashlight on a smart phone? Or maybe they're just super embarrassed they both didn't know what dynamite looks like, lit it and jacked her face? You've never seen the Roadrunner and all his ACME devices?

Sadly, these two have reproduced.

P.S. Have these two never set foot inside a Yankee Candle?

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Stretch Dongstrong

Blinded By The... Crotch

Italian Stallion

String Quartass

That Smell

Pumpkin Spicy!

Dios Mio!

Blizzard of Oz

You're Killin' me!

Dyno-miiiiite!

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