Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel - Haus of V

Minty Fresh

11/20/2019

It's not trending here-- yet-- but women overseas are trying to tightening up their "love canal" with... toothpaste.

Why are women doing this? Because they believe the toothpaste will take that highway from a four-lane down to a two-lane.

Why do some people believe "old wives' tales". Or Gwyneth Paltrow. Or stupid sh*t!?!? I mean, I understand "oral hygiene"... but not like this. Oh-- and don't laugh, guys. Some of your male counterparts are pasting-up their "toothbrush" with the hopes of being deemed "stand up" fellas...

Here's some medical advice from non-medical people: 5 out of 5 rational-thinking women say "DON'T PUT TOOTHPASTE IN YOUR JAYJAY!"

This is not the tingle you want...

Love Boat

11/13/2019

You may be on vacation, but you need to be on your best behavior, nonetheless. Just ask German couple Renate and Volker. They were having a fabulous time aboard their TUI Cruises ship. Until things got hot and heavy, and loud.... as in, the-motion-of-the-ocean-is-matching-the-motion-of-these-bedsprings...

Apparently, the couple's cries of passion, followed by an equally-boisterous argument led to the couple getting das boot from the boat. (Doesn't the arguing usually happen before the sexual healing? wink wink) Of course, they're suing for vacation costs, and emotional damages.

If the boat is a rockin'...

Dirty Raker

11/6/2019

I love Fall. It's my favorite season for a number of reasons: the colors; the cooler temps; the flavors (not pumpkin spice.) But I don't love Fall like this guy loves Fall.

A British man was busted for bustin' a nasty move with a pile of leaves...

Yup. Michael Golsorkhi was makin' the love with a pile of leaves in a restaurant parking lot. He was spotted with his trousers around his ankles, thrusting around-- in full view of families trying to eat dinner.

The 26-year-old was under the influence of some substances, and has been in trouble with the law before.

I can only imagine his pillow talk:

"You like how I rake them leaves, baby?"
"Oh, yeah. Your leaf fort is turning me on."
"I got your Fall cleanup right here..."

(Bare) Bottoms Up

10/30/2019

Who doesn't sit around a la birthday suit while enjoying and adult beverage? Usually, that's an activity done in the serenity of one's own homestead. But in England, the historic Coach and Horses pub is making more history. It's the first pub in the city in London to be granted a nudist license.

There are some rules, though. The nudity has to be pre-arranged and consensual, and occur on specific occasions. All that sticking to leather and vinyl chairs... Maybe they're made of wood?

Self Care

10/23/2019

We hear the term so often nowadays: Self-Care. We're just not taking the time to make time with ourselves... We're not talking about the old-fashioned tradition of Rosie Palm and Her Five Sisters. Pffft... We're talking about a jacuzzi, for "the boys."

There is a for-real product available on December 9th just for the boys, er, dudes-- the Testicuzzi. "One dunk of the boys into this fine testicle jacuzzi is sure to tickle your fancy and soothe your manliness.

Instead of a partner's face, or some rando coffee mug, you can tea-bag this. For just $39.95. Or the $10,000 limited-edition gold-plated version.

That's just nuts...

Bang Up Job

10/15/2019

There's nothing worse than getting thieved. Thieves should be publicly slapped. Get a J-O-B and then buy your own stuff! But this thief got what he wanted?

A North Carolina residence was robbed of jewelry, coins, and... a 12-inch electric vibrating wand, for funsies...

So. Many. Questions:

So, were these items all hangin' out with each other in the nightstand drawer?
Or was this an inside job, so to speak? Because the items stolen were quite specific.
Was the vibrating item mistaken for another type of massager?
Was said item used?

Hide your women. Hide your children. Hide your "toys"...

Un-Satisfied Customer

10/9/2019

The customer is always right. At least that's how so many people try to justify their rude-ass behavior to anyone in the service industry. But I digress. Customer satisfaction is important, even when you're buying the services of a prostitute.

Michael Pratt decided to spend some time with a pro at a Baton Rouge motel-- rightfully named Shades. But he didn't feel he got what he paid for, so he asked for his money back. If that's not bad enough, this tale (or is it tail?) takes another turn when the hooker than called police to complain that her client asked for his money back, and because the 61-year-old "got aggressive."

Police arrived to the shady motel and arrested the dude for soliciting prostitution, while the said prostitute was arrested for hooker-ing and drug-related charges.

Must be hard to find good service these days...

Ballin'

10/2/2019

Men don't need humans (or furry friends-- just sayin;) when there's a ball for all-- the Masturball.

The Optimum Power Masturball looks like a Magic 8 Ball, but with internal grippy things for your grippy thing. Just put your sausage in the ball and pretend like you're scrubbin'-off some skank juice. There are 10 different settings, so you can set it and go, so to speak.

Find your latest self-love device on Amazon for $79.99.

P.S. You know the price should've been $69.99, right? LOL

Camel Owww!

9/25/2019

Desperate situations call for desperate actions. Case in point: when a woman became entrapped in a camel's enclosure, she did the only thing she felt she could do-- hit below the belt.

It all happened at Tiger Truck Stop in Grosse Tete, Louisiana. The woman's husband tossed some dog treats under Caspar The Camel's fence, but then their hard-of-hearing dog went after the treats and then the woman freaked out and went after her dog, and the husband followed. Did you get all that?

Well, Caspar was not a happy camel and sat on the woman-- crushing her. so, out of self-defense she bit Caspar on the sack. Yes, face-to-fruit-bowl.

Upon further investigation, it was proven the couple provoked the camel and it reacted. The happy rednecks were ticketed for having their dog off leash and criminal trespassing.

P.S. Why is there a camel at truck stop? Is it a "comfort" camel? Gag.

P.P.S. What about poor Caspar? He was assaulted...

Naked and Environmental

9/18/2019

Porn has a heart...on. To draw attention to the problem that is ocean pollution, Pornhub filmed "The Dirtiest Porn Ever"-- on a dirty beach.

Awww, Amateur couple Leolulu is doing the nasty surrounded by nastiness. Pornhub says for every view, it will make a donation to Ocean Polymers-- an environmental non-profit dedicated to removing plastic from the oceans. We say "go for it". Multiple Os means multiple dough for the environment.

Whack away trash!