Offbeat News and Observation From Writer Kathy Vogel

Toot You

3/16/2022

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Many states are party poopers when it comes to personalized license plates. Karly Sindy of Asheville, North Carolina was happy and surprised when she was allowed to have the license plate: FART.

via GIPHY

She slapped that baby on her pickup truck, aka FARTmobile (?). and went on her merry way. Until the complaints started from other motorists. The DMV then asked her to explain what FART means to her and why she needs this plate. So, she said FART is an acronym for Friends of Asheville Recreational Trails. Total lie. But now, the group exists. But(t) will this be enough to save her gassy declaration?

Too Hot

3/9/2022

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Life is hard. Life is unfair. Life sucks... if you're too hot.

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I don't have this problem. But apparently, Playboy model Suzy Cortez does. She says her overwhelming hotness got her booty booted from an AirBnB in Sao Paulo. And she dropped a grand to stay there! Of the experience, she said:

It was the "biggest prejudice and nightmare (she's) ever lived."

She claims the host complained about her clothing, which got her kicked out. She said she found her belongings in the trash. She was given a full refund, but she still wants to sue...?

Obviously, there's some kind of -ism going on here. Sigh...

Cloud Six Nine

3/2/2022

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Forget Cloud Nine. That's for underachievers. Some of y'all have the fantasy of reaching a cloud much higher than that. Because some of you want in that Mile High Club.

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But forget trying to make a connection in that airplane bathroom. Love Cloud Airlines specializes in making your bucket list item a way pleasurable experience. For $995, you'll get a 45-minute ride on a private plane, furnished with a red satin bed that is private and separated from the pilot. Plus, you'll get a "Mile High Club" membership card to commemorate your accomplishment.

If you've already "joined the club", you can book the flight for a 3-course meal, or get married on the plane.

Back Breaker

2/23/2022

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It's perfectly fine to be a self-contained, independent unit. And when you're a self-contained unit that wants to service your own unit, you do it. A man said he lost 22-pounds so that he could pleasure himself... orally.

via GIPHY

Yup. A skin flute soloist. One day, while "playing", he heard a "loud crack" in his back. And then "immense pain" all over his body. Now, he has chronic back pain. But that's not going to stop him from practicing his skills, even though he says this whole shebang wasn't one of his better ideas.

She Rule(r)s

2/16/2022

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After being a victim of false advertising one too many times, 34-year-old Tracy Kiss has rolled up her sleeves and taken matters into her own hands. She had tattooed from her pinky to her elbow a series of dots spaced an inch apart. To measure men's weens.

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Legit. She says the dots are discreet and accurate. Also, there's been other practical applications for her unconventional ruler. She measures other things, too, when needed.

Long Run

2/9/2022

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Historically, guys are known to fudge the numbers. As in, their size number. It's time to stop it. Because I've got the tea on what Oscar Mayer fits a lady's needs...

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According to research, not conducted by me, the perfect size is situational. When it comes to a one-nighter, the "perfect size" is 6.4-inches long with a 5-inch diameter. For day-to-day partnering, ladies prefer 6.4-inches with a 4.8-inch diameter. But, according to the scientists conducting this ground-breaking research-- the women surveyed says size ranks at the bottom of the list of what matters in a partner. So... stop lying.

Headlights Off

2/2/2022

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Males may not use their nipples for feeding others (that's a visual), but that doesn't mean they shouldn't have them. Or want them. On a dare, a 15-year-old boy from Liverpool agreed to spray two cans of Lynx Body Spray on his chest. Then, one of his pals flicked his nipples... right off his body. Literally.

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The nipple-less boy said he didn't feel a thing, so he put his shirt on and went to class. His teacher noticed that he was bleeding through his shirt in the place where his nipples should be. When asked what happened, the boy explained his tale of nipple neutering, then said it was all good. It just felt like a wart being removed, no biggie.

Please don't reproduce.

Butt Wait

1/26/2022

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Tattoos have transformed from the stereotypes they used to carry. Now, they're seen as art. And sooo many people have tatts. Some people have covered so much real estate with their art, that they must turn inward for their tattoos.

Like, in the rear end. In. The. Rear.

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One tatted dude said the most painful one he'd ever gotten was inside of his butthole. Don't know what was tattooed inside his starfish, or why he chose that spot...

How does one get their butthole tattooed? Who's spreading the cheeks? And then spreading the entrance? Who's going to see it?

I. Can't.

Happy Nude Year

1/19/2022

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It was such a hit last year, they brought it back for 2022. The Welsh town of Prestatyn has another calendar featuring pictures of local residents-- buck nekkid!

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The idea started in 2020 as a pay to generate funding lost due to the pandemic. Each month features a different business with locals sans clothing (but the naughty bits are strategically covered). You can still get this year's calendar, and it's just $13. I'm surprised some city in the U.S. hasn't done this. Or maybe we just don't know about it.

Stuck

1/12/2022

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It never ceases to amaze me the things, literal things, people get into. Or into them. The Consumer Product Safety Commission has released the list of items that have been retrieved from The P Zone...

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For the adventurous gentlemen:

Four plastic spoons (Which end of the spoon?)
A dart (Bullseye!)
A bread twist tie
Two tweezers (Two!?!?)
And a partridge in a pear tree-- not really. But why not?

For the adventurous ladies:

A unicorn (They do exist! And apparently they reside in Magical Vagina Land!)
A disposable razor (Why does the movie Seven come to mind...)
A detergent pod
A barbell (Taking Kegels to a whole next level?)

For the love of all things holy, please use designated adult toys for your no-no places...

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Toot You

Too Hot

Cloud Six Nine

Back Breaker

She Rule(r)s

Long Run

Headlights Off

Butt Wait

Happy Nude Year

Stuck

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