We've been amused by your diva ways over the years. We even rolled with your infamous 2001 MTV TRL meltdown... now it's time for a much-needed reality check. Yes, reality. Not this delusional drug and alcohol haze you've reportedly creating for yourself.
Back in the day, you couldn't give much credence to the National Enquirer-- BUT-- they've broken so many stories over the years, including Tiger Woods and John Edwards, so... Her brother claims that she's caught in a suicidal web of alcohol and drug abuse, and that Mariah was even hittin' the bottle when she was pregnant. She's supposedly trying to numb her mental struggles with wine and champagne.
Come on! You're extremely talented and beautiful-- don't ruin it! Consider this a much-needed wake-up slap!
On speed-dial: 1-800-DON'T-WAKE-UP-DEAD
Miley's sporting a long, luxurious fur... under her armpits! And she's damn proud of them! In fact, she showed them off on Instagram. Thank goodness Instagram ain't scratch-n-sniff... Why the need for the added accessory? It's not like you're hiking in Guatemala, eating granola and wearing Crocs for Greenpeace. Are you storing your blunts in there? Your pride? Are you trying for some gross Guinness World Record for length? Maybe you're using it as a fashion accessory or scarf on those chilly nights? Or perhaps you enjoy the... aroma of your own stank. Cuz unshaven, crusty pit hair is a turn-on... for... woodland creatures... or the Japanese...
This does leave me with one question: I wonder if the pits match the carpet? Shaggy!
On speed-dial: 1-800-CHEWBACCA-CHACH
OFFENSE: A waste of genetic matter
This loser sack-pimple was flying high recently-- and literally on a private jet. He was spending quality time with Mary Jane when he couldn't control his douchey ways. Smoking, of any kind, is banned by the FAA-- even on private jets. When the flight crew reminded Chrissy of that, he handled it the way he usually does...
He "eloquated": ‘I paid $60,000 for this jet, so I own it and everyone inside.’”
Awwww, you're such a big, important man! When an older female flight attendant continued to address the situation, this was his "touching" response:
"What is your old ass doing here anyway? I like to have the help be people I’d actually like to f---.’”
All this from a man who's supposedly "changed". It's just a shame, what a disgrace you are to your family, your gender, and to humankind.
Too bad the flight crew didn't open the door and push you out... without a parachute.
On speed-dial: 1-800--GO-CHOKE-ON-YOUR-SISTER'S-"RICHARD"
Mariah Carey: https://www.flickr.com/photos/disneyabc/
Miley Cyrus: https://www.flickr.com/photos/hotgossipitalia/
Chris Brown: https://www.flickr.com/photos/evarinaldiphotography/