Offenders for the week ending November 3, 2017:
#3 BILL COSBY
Yup, this patriarchal perv pimple just won't go away! Why? The poor (alleged) molester is bankrupt. He's trying to secure a $30 million loan:
"(to) pay for his mounting legal bills as he faces a retrial for sexual assault."
Coz is trying to convince lenders to use his NYC townhouse as collateral. A source had this to say:
"Cosby must be desperate. But the lenders aren't keen to give him the money. They don't think he has enough equity."
And on top of that, the banks are concerned about trying to sell the foreclosed property if he defaults on the high-interest loan. Maybe he can pay back part of the loan in pudding pops...
Here's a thought: Just plead guilty. Because we're all 99.9999999999999 percent sure you are, indeed, guilty. That way, you'll save a ton of money, and we won't have to hear your lies. Win-win.
P.S. Eat a bag of d&cks.
#2 KATHY GRIFFIN
She's sorry. She's not sorry. And now, she's angry. How dare she suffer the consequences of her freedom of speech for that beheaded Trump photo! (insert eye roll) Her Hanes Her Way are all in a bunch because she's lost endorsements and her family has gotten death threats. She claims that former lawyer/TMZ founder Harvey Levin has embarked on a campaign to ruin her career and her life. So, she got back at him by giving out his phone number:
"I just want you guys to know Harvey Levin, Harvey Levin a blogger, is very much in bed with everyone from Hollywood to Donald Trump... I don't have a minute to call him. But maybe you do."
First of all, Hollywood and Trump do not seem to be synonymous. Secondly, you know you're messing with a LAWYER?
Then, this set of anal lips takes a shot at Andy Cohen after he said he didn't know her. She claims that after appearing on "Watch What Happens Live", he made her a seedy offer:
"Both times I did the show, right before we went live, (he) privately asked me in an office if I wanted to do blow."
Egads! Andy was also the executive producer of that D-list show of hers. And he was horrible!
"Was my boss for 10 years. Treated me like a dog. Deeply misogynistic."
I'm surprised she was able to use a multi-syllable word... Anywho, you're sounding like a completely bitter granny flap. Waaaaah! Why not channel all that angst into a new project called The F-List. As in F*cked-in-the-head List.
#1 KEVIN SPACEY
It appears that Keyser Get-Laid is quite the scumbag. And people in Hollywood have known about it for years. I suppose he was trying to get out from behind the eight ball by apologizing for pedo-predatory behavior that he may not remember engaging in concerning actor Anthony Rapp. The incident happened in the 80s when Rapp was 14 and Spacey was 26. Oh, and he's gay now.
"I honestly do not remember the encounter, it would have been over 30 years ago... but if I did behave then as he describes, I owe him the sincerest apology for what would have been deeply inappropriate drunken behavior, and I am sorry for the feelings he describes having carried with him all these years... this story has encouraged me to address other things about my life... I've had relationships with both men and women... I have loved and had romantic encounters with men throughout my life, and I choose to live as a gay man."
Well, I'm concerned here. You best get to a doctor and get that situational-dementia checked out! You don't remember trying to RAPE a minor!?!? Well, since you're really sorry I guess we'll let this one slide. NOT! And way to try and garner sympathy by trying to say you've been tortured about your sexuality and now you CHOOSE to live as a gay man. Here's some breaking news-- hookin' up with men and women makes you bi-sexual. You're not gay. You're just choosing men now. You are a disgusting affront to the men and women, boys and girls that struggle with their sexual identities and about "coming out."
You're such a filthy, self-centered pork wipe.
Offenders for the week ending October 27, 2017:
#3 KIM CATTRALL
Well, f&ck you "Sex & The City!" That's Kimmie's mantra. Yes, totally tinkle on the role that made us all (mostly) forget that you starred in that craptastic piece of fluff from the 80s-- "Mannequin". Maybe she's having a menopausal meltdown, but girlfriend is all angry about SATC and her co-stars:
"We've never been friends... They all have children and I am ten years older, and since specifically, the series ended, I have been spending most of my time outside New York so I don't see them. The common ground that we had was the series and the series is over."
Okay... and apparently, SATC ruined her plans for a family life:
"I thought to myself, Wow, I have 19 hour days on this series, I have weekends where I finish at Saturday morning. My Monday morning would start at 4:45 am and go to one or two in the morning. How could I possibly continue to do that, especially in my early 40s? And then I realized what a commitment it was just to do (IVF). I thought... I don't think this is going to happen."
So the producers of SATC forced you to take the role of Samantha? They made you choose between work and family? Methinks you went for the money grab since your career was bordering on expiration. If the show was such a horrible thing, maybe you should give back all those benjamins that you made. Until then, stop being an insufferable tw%t waffle.
#2 JAMES TOBACK
If you don't know who this dude is, well, he's another Hollywood harassing director accused of Weinstein-ing actresses. How mighty you all are, extorting sexual favors from women who want to have careers, and for men who need to violate women because nobody desires their cocktail weens. Sick. This 'gina donkey has been accused of asking one actress if he could lick her...
Thirty-eight women went on the record about Toback, including Julianne Moore. She was asked to audition in his apartment. Twice. Two-hundred women have shared their encounters with No-Back-- which include allegations of him grinding against them while he was man-handling his Oscar Mayer.
His retort: that it was biologically impossible for him to do any of this because he has a history of diabetic and heart conditions. Riiiight. Those are perfect excuses to try and solicit a sympathy romp. (Vomit)
How gross and pathetic are you? It's apparent you scum snorters do not deserve to breathe our good air!
#1 STEVEN SEAGAL
It's been well-known in Hollywood for ages that the Putin-spooning-former-action-movie-star-and-now-Barney-Fife-sheriff's-deputy was a complete doucherag when it came to women. And now, some audio has surfaced proving that the dude has some serious issues. He hates female reporters, calling them:
"a bunch of f$cking dirty whores and c*cksuckers..."
When asked why he thinks women journalists have treated him unfairly, he said:
"I won't even dare tell you what I think it is.. it was just some dumb c*nt that's a liar and wanted to be sensational."
It's apparent what brains you have are "under siege." When you were actually popular, people would want to know about your life-- including your personal life-- thus, the softball questions. I know. Just. Horrible. But not as horrible as your lame attempts at being a musician, and certainly not as horrible as your rotting, smelly, fossil-c*ck.
I'd love to shove that greasy, cliched ponytail of yours through your pooper and out your disrespectful, filthy mouth.
P.S. Despite your karate training, you'll never be cool enough to be Asian. Stick that in your fortune cookie.
Offenders for the week ending October 20, 2017:
#3 BLAC CHYNA
Blac Chyna is very angry at the Kardashians. So, she's suing them for "assault, battery, domestic violence, defamation and interference with prospective economic relations." Her lawyer had this to say:
"Rob Kardashian is an abuser intent on destroying the mother of his baby, who left him in 2016. In revenge, the Kardashian-Jenner family became media predators, slut-shamming her on social media and killing her hit television show, which had already begun filming a second season."
Uh, slut-shamming. You did that on your own with your own behavior. Weren't you a former "model" and stripper? And I'm not talking about posing for Vogue or dancing in Vegas. And your "hit" TV show? HA HA HA HA HA HA!
You're an opportunistic sociopath who purposefully manipulated Rob K and his emotional instability to get what you wanted, you gold digger. You're just angry that he got wise and got rid of you and now you have nothing to fall back on except for child support-- and that monstrous ass of yours!
Here's a thought: Shut your legs and your mouth and disappear, you nut bucket!
#2 LARRY FLYNT
No offense, but I thought this dude was all ready six feet under. Or maybe I assumed he was just six feet under a pile of STD's and other filth. This purveyor of porn took out a full-page ad in The Washington Post offering $10 million for "information leading to the impeachment and removal from office of Donald J. Trump."
This is getting old. Yes, let's turn our entire democratic process upside down by throwing a petulant toddler tantrum and demanding "justice" because we didn't like the outcome. Well, Lar has a list of reasons for Trump's ousting.
Okay. Let's get to the naked truth, so to speak. You're just jealous because you've had political ambitions and you've failed numerous times. You're a pathetic pile of pube lice.
Impeaching Trump doesn't get you an automatic Democrat in the White House. Next in line is the Vice President-- who's a Republican; Who's an ultra conservative. Is that what you really want? And don't think you can impeach people until you get a Democrat. Since it's been ancient history the last time you were in the classroom, I suppose this minor detail in the succession of power slipped by you-- like your morals and decency. If you had any in the first place.
#1 COLIN KAEPERNICK
When in doubt, sue! Colin's been sidelined since last year. He'll forever been known as the person who refused to stand for the national anthem:
"I am not going to stand up to show pride in a flag for a country that oppresses black people and people of color... To me, this is bigger than football and it would be selfish on my part to look the other way. There are bodies in the street and people getting paid leave and getting away with murder."
Good for you going all First Amendment. Of course, some would argue that the flag also symbolizes a nation of opportunity where a person can get paid millions of dollars to play a sport. But I digress.
No one has picked up Colin for their team. He even went so far as to dive into the pool of hypocrisy by saying he'd stand for the anthem if he can play in the NFL again. Way to stand by your convictions! But that didn't work, so now he's suing. His claim: team owners are colluding against him and won't hire him. Reality check: You're not that good!
Let's check the stats:
Yup. He's the middle of the pack. Thirteen quarterbacks are worse than C.K., five are the same and 14 are better. That's why no one's kickin' your door in to sign you. It's not because of your drama. The NFL is drama and controversy.
Now you can spend your days lecturing and informing the masses about the injustices in our nation because you truly care, right?
Offenders for the week ending October 13, 2017:
Dear Dove: I know you want my skin to be as pure as the driven (white) snow after using your product, but your latest ad has left you looking like the driven on snow.
In these hypersensitive times, anything you say or do can be misconstrued as racist, sexist, ageist, so why not have someone triple-check your work before you launch a major ad campaign? In the ad, an African-American woman removes her brown shirt to reveal-- she's a white woman underneath. Have we gone back to 1925? Seriously. Of course, the Internets went cray-cray. Dove's parent company, Unilever apologized:
"As part of a campaign for Dove body wash, a 3-second video clip was posted to the US Facebook page. This did not represent the diversity of real beauty which is something Dove is passionate about and is core to our beliefs, and it should not have happened..."
Duh. It shouldn't have happened. As teech used to say in school: "Everyone, let's put on our thinking caps..."
#2 HARVEY WEINSTEIN
Ah, yes. It's never pretty when brothers hate each other: The Gallagher Brothers from Oasis; The Robinson Brothers from The Black Crowes; Cain and Abel...
Looks like Bob blew the whistle on his brother and the business partner he hates, exposing Harv's misogyny. Oh how the douchey fall hard. After decades of pay-offs and grab-assery, Harvey has been outed for sexually harassing, and even raping, actresses. And everyone kept it quiet because men and women want to work in Hollywood. It's a vicious cycle that's been around since the beginning of time-- sexual extortion. I'm not surprised at all at his behavior. Repulsed, yes. More so because this beef sniffer has daughters. Daughters! How would you respond if your little girl was asked to watch a dude shower against her will, or if she were forced to watch him juggle his fruit bowl?
You're pathetic, an affront to your gender, to those that have power that's not abused. Of course in an effort to gain sympathy, this scum biter has checked himself into rehab for "sex addiction." Please. I'm so over this misused buzz phrase that predatory swine like you are tossing out to excuse your tossing off. Some people truly have an issue. You, on the other hand, do not.
Glad your wife left you. Hopefully, you won't see your children, either. And... if the stars and planets align and justice is served-- you'll face prison time... And some fellow deviants that would love to give you the "broom handle greeting."
#1 A TRIFECTA OF TW@TS: NENE LEAKES, WENDY WILLIAMS & DONNA KARAN
Women are the worst. For real. Women are downright nasty to other women. I'm amazed at women who proclaim to be feminists and advocate for women's rights who take no time tearing another woman down. Case in point-- this trifecta.
Let's start with Real Housewives of Atlanta cast member NeNe. Guess her new thing now is a try at standup comedy. Well, just because you can throw shade and flap your gums doesn't mean you're funny. But I digress. She got heckled by a female. And because she's unpolished and isn't funny, she couldn't take it. So, she told the woman: "I ain't even gonna tell you about the goddamn Uber driver. I hope he rape yo' ass tonight when he take you home, bitch." Classy. This from a woman who's been the victim of sexual assault. But she's sorry.
Then, there's big-mouth Wendy Williams. Here's her commentary on the woman who claims rapper Nelly forced her to have unprotected sex: "If she did not put herself in that situation, this wouldn't have happened. Young lady, you've got to stay out of tour buses." Would I hang out on a musician's tour bus? Hell no! Not unless I expected to do something sexual. But that doesn't not make it right to take advantage of someone because they're on a bus. Oh, Wendy's sorry for what she said.
Lastly, designer Donna Karan. She's totally on Harvey Weinstein's side. Women are to blame when they're harassed or attacked. "You look at everything all over the world today and how women are dressing and what they are asking just by presenting themselves the way they do. What are they asking for? Trouble." Hope you're designing burqas now, otherwise, everyone's gettin' rapey! And you guessed it, Donna is sorry for her comments.
Here's a thought I'm not sorry about: F*ck off.
Offenders for the week ending October 6, 2017:
#3 MEGYN KELLY
You've gone from being a probing, hard-hitting interviewer on Fox News who fancied wearing next-to-nothing on TV to a buttoned-up-to-the-neck-closeted-50-Shades-purveyor who's just the nice soccer mom next door.
BWAAA HAAAAA! You're trying... really trying to be relatable on your new Today show. But, you just can't escape the grips of pushing buttons, can ya? First, you stunned the "Will & Grace" cast with some kind of "gay" correlation (which, by the way, is going for the low-hanging fruit.) Second, you asked actress Chrissy Metz about her weight (which, by the way, she said is the question she hates the most). And third, you asked Jane Fonda about her plastic surgeries during an interview about her new movie (which, by the way, is something she's been open about for years.)
Why doesn't the three-strikes-you're-out rule apply here? If you want to do the news authority thing, then do that. Plus, no one is connecting with you because we're not quite sure if you're human. Enough with the warm-and-fuzzy act!
P.S. The only thing warm and fuzzy is the mold on your crotch.
#2 OJ SIMPSON
After nine years behind bars, The Juice is loose! (Yeah, I had to.) You'd think a guy that only had to serve less than a decade for his crime(s) would be a happy camper. Nope. When his driver stopped to get gas, a reporter approached the newly freed man and asked him how it felt to be out. Apparently, The Juice has soured:
"Y'all stalking me?... Well, one, none of your business. Two, I'm in a car for the last five hours, so how do I know how it feels to be out?"
Uhm, okay. Legit question, you'd think... This from a guy who wants $5 million for his first official interview and wants a reality TV show. Well guess what? If you want a reality show, cameras are gonna be all up in your biz 24/7. Better that than Bubba, right?
Why so surly? Is it age? The rigors of prison life? (No, you had it pretty easy.) Or the fact that you were never really affable? (Actually, you've always been an assh&le.) Hope the authorities are watching his online purchase history. If there's an order for Isotoners and Ginsu knives...
#1 FORMER CBS VP HAYLEY GEFTMAN-GOLD
It's sad when tragedy almost becomes commonplace. It makes you reflect, perhaps even have gratitude that you or loved ones haven't been caught in some madperson's agenda. It's even more tragic when people use such events to verbally vomit a bunch of bullsh*t. Enter FORMER CBS VP Helly Vag-Fold. This vile conglomerate of pond scum used the tragedy in Las Vegas (where 59 people were killed) to spew hatred about the victims:
"If they (Republicans) wouldn't do anything when children were murdered I have no hope that Repugs will ever do the right thing. I'm actually not even sympathetic bc country music fans often are Republican gun toters."
Say what? She proves that a higher education and high position doesn't make you intelligent. Nor empathetic. You're everything that is wrong with this world. Every. Thing. So close-minded and singularly focused on YOUR politics that you cannot step back and see things for what they truly are-- a tragedy. Let me get this straight. If we don't hold the same political views as you do, then we deserve to die.
But she's sorry. That's laughable:
"... I posted an indefensible post in a Facebook discussion thread concerning the tragic Las Vegas shooting, a statement I sincerely regret."
Oh, yeah. I was really feeling that. It amazes me that the political party that preaches acceptance and tolerance has neither. I really hope you haven't reproduced so you can perpetuate your douchebaggery to a younger generation that might have a chance to turn this sh$t-show around.
And here's another thing: go eat a bag of warted d*cks. Make that two bags, you soul-less bitch.
Offenders for the week ending September 29, 2017:
#3 TOM BRADY
I've heard a lot of things: the Earth is flat; the moon walk didn't happen; we live amongst aliens-- you know, the usual stuff. Since Tom is Tom he knows everything, and people will take his word as germane. Like this gem: Did you know that you won't get a sunburn if you drink lots of water?
"When I was growing up, and playing outside in the sun, I got sunburned a lot. I was a fair-skinned Irish boy, after all. These days, even if I get an adequate amount of sun, I won't get a sunburn, which I credit to the amount of water I drink. I always hydrate afterward, too, to keep my skin from peeling."
Brady Bunch claims he drinks 2.5 gallons of water every day. 40 glasses of water! I get he's a mega athlete, but when do you have time to do all that drinking!?!? I know that animals that live in the water don't get sunburned, so maybe there's some validity here?
BWAAA HAAAA HAAA! I'm sure some toolbag will try this, go out in the sun and get baked like a lobster... or-- die from internal drowning. Either way, someone will be coming for ya money. Go away, Dr. Faux_Oz!
#2 PEREZ HILTON
Rumor has it that 20-year-old Kylie Jenner is preggo. While no one is confirming nor denying the story (I'm sure Momma Opportunist is waiting for the biggest payday), the infamous blogger had this to say about Kylie's potential motherhood:
"In case you haven't been paying attention, Kylie Jenner has been dating rapper Travis Scott for what, um, 5 months, 6 months? And also, a reminder Kylie Jenner is 19-years-old. Um, I love life, I love babies. If I were Kris Jenner, I would tell that girl to get an abortion!"
Wow. I will never be a fan of the Kardashian/Jenner clan, but I am a fan of life. Sure, these ladies are a vacant-headed bunch of sh*t-lips, but at least they have the cash to raise this poor child. Well, as expected, Perez got a lot of heat on the social medias about his comment. His response:
"I know I'm the best father dad! If my daughter was as unready & young as Kylie, I'd tell her to get an abortion too!"
You want equal rights for everything and everyone, but not for human life. Wouldn't you step up as a loving potential grandfather to help your daughter? Just. Stop.
#1 LEBRON JAMES
I've had enough of entertainers and athletes trying to tell me what I should think and what I should do. Unfortunately, there are too many that blindly follow the agenda of someone who is wealthy beyond imagination and detached from what the majority actually experiences on the daily. It all started when the President revoked his invite to the Golden State Warriors to come to the White House. His Highness, who last I checked, does NOT play with G.S., tweeted:
"U bum (Stephen Curry) already said he ain't going! So therefore ain't no invite. Going to White House was a great honor until you showed up!"
Poignant. How is name calling someone you claim is a name-caller and a racist and a million other things accomplishing anything? Do you not realize that you spewing hate makes you a hypocrite? Lebron claims that Mr. Trump is using sports to divide us. Nope. You are. Why not use your platform to share what we should be standing for, not against? Why not share with me ways that we can be better as humans, you know-- something positive, evolved, helpful!?!?!?!
But that would make sense. So easy just to stir it up, then leave the scene.
You're an ambassador for your sport. You've given back more to your home community than you need to. But really, STFU.
Offenders for the week ending September 22, 2017:
#3 KEVIN HART
Props on getting in front of your latest scandal. Nip it in the bud, put the fire out. Get the FBI to investigate. I get it. Still doesn't cover the FACT that you're a scum fondler that can't stop wang-ing every tramp that drops her g-string. See, he's being blackmailed by someone who has a video and if said person doesn't get a multi-million dollar payday, well, get out the popcorn for the viewing! Kevin is cheating on his pregnant wife. So, why not get your mea culpa out there:
"I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I have a target on my back. And because of that I should make smart decisions. And recently, I didn't. You know, I'm not perfect. I'm not going to sit up here and say that I am or claim to be in any way shape or form."
Yes. Nobody's perfect. But it's evident, some are just stupid for making the same mistake TWICE. Yeah. You cheated on your first wife with the chick who would become your current wife, whom you've cheated on with a stripper. And really, a stripper?!?!? Enjoy dumping into that Freddy Krueger baby-maker of hers. So. Much. Ick.
Are you gonna pull a Kobe Bryant and buy your wifey a big 'ol diamond that will erase her memory?
#2 GWYNETH PALTROW
I should just make her a permanent Slapee, but it's so cathartic to imagine slapping her, plus-- she obviously isn't getting the message. This might be the most ridiculous product on her stupid GOOP website:
Psychic Vampire Repellent
For a mere $30, you can get a spray elixir that:
"...uses a combination of gem healing and deeply aromatic therapeutic oils to banish bad vibes and shield you from people causing them."
I've been waiting for something like this! (You know I'm kidding...)
To use: Spray around your head to safeguard your aura.
Uh, don't you know your aura is projected all around your body? You're so good at suggesting ways we plebeians can spend our hard-earned moola. Since you're the Genius of Everything, what product can we use to get rid of a whore fungus like you?
#1 ATLANTIC RECORDS
It's bad enough that the Cash Me Outside fart licker had her 15 minutes of fame for being one of the dregs of humanity, but to have her infamy perpetuated by more attention!?!? GRRRRRR! This joke of a business is exactly what is wrong with the entire music industry. Instead of scouting TALENT and nurturing them so they can produce multiple hit albums for you, all the labels do is go for the low-lying fruit and easy money-grab. Thus, the birth of Bhad Bhabie, aka 14-year-old delinquent Danielle Bregoli, aka Cash Me Outside twat triscuit.
Aton Ben Horin, Global Vice President of A&R at Warner Music Group said:
"Without a doubt, this girl is a real star with undeniable talent."
Judge for yourself. Here's the brilliant track "These Heaux" that's garnered over 27 million views. I pray to the Big Man that people are watching out of curiosity and a need to feel better about themselves.
P.S. Ahmet Ertegun is rolling over in his grave right now. Since you don't know history, that was the founder of the label you're running into the ground.
P. P. S. Hey, Horin: may the scurvy find your ball sack before Bhad does. Wait, that's probs how she got her record deal...
Offenders for the week ending September 15, 2017:
Last week, it was the guys.... this week, the ladies take over!
#3 NICKI MINAJ
John Mayer started a Twitter flirtation with Nicki and she indulged him.
John: "I spend an inordinate amount of time per day wondering if Nicki Minaj would like me or not."
Nicki: "Would my body be your wonderland?"
Gag. No, Nicki. NOOOOO! His Bang-Bang Shrimp list is long, like, Dead-Sea-Scrolls-long. Plus, you're dating Nas... and, you just rapped on Katy Perry's record, and Katy and John bumped uglies... my head is going to explode!
Look. He may be the C*ck Dujour, but that doesn't mean you have to partake! Quite "frank"ly, I'm surprised he even still has a ween. Seriously. I'm surprised it hasn't boycotted and left the scene of multiple crimes. But I digress.
Everyone's had this mystery meat, so don't indulge, lest you get Mad "Rooster" disease...
#2 ARIEL WINTER
I totally get being proud of your body and rockin' whatev outfit gives your mojo a tongue kiss. But wearing a pair of shorts that exposes your womb? Nah... Areola had some grocery shopping to do the other day, so she donned her best belly shirt (sans bra), cowboy boots, and something she called a pair of denim shorts. Do ladies own cheek-revealing shorts? Sure. Do most of us wear them in public? Hellz no! Ariel took to Twitter to defend her couture:
"I literally do not try and show my ass when I wear shorts... My ass just eats them up and then I don't notice."
What's that sound? The B.S. alert going off. You don't feel that breeze on the Swiss Ass? Can't hear the sounds of your muffled muff screaming for air? Girl, bye!
Walmart called. They miss you.
To see the "too cheeky" shot, go here: http://people.com/style/ariel-winter-response-to-short-shorts-photo/
#1 KATE HUDSON
You're so cute-sy. And your movies are cute-sy. But then that's all ruined when you say something flippant and everyone loses their marbles. Well, rightfully so. See, Kate was filling out an innocent Cosmo mag questionnaire about various non-related topics. When she came across the question about the laziest thing she's ever done, she answered:
"Have a C-Section!"
What was that? Who knows the context, but she sure stirred it up. I'm surprised the Internet didn't crash with all the angry mommas out there! I'm no doctor, but I do know that there is nothing lazy about a C-Section. Sure, you're not pushing for hours to deliver your baby, but-- it's a major surgery where your stomach is split open, your muscles are cut, body parts taken out, then packed back in when they're all done. And don't even mention the recovery time while trying to get the routine down with the new baby.
Or perhaps, you just forgot all that?
Methinks your laziest moment might've been the night you flopped on your back to conceive... cuz pretty girls don't need to work as hard, right? Wink Wink.
Offenders for the week ending September 8, 2017:
#3 BRAD PITT
Hey-- Brad's sorry that he cheated on Jennifer Aniston with Angelina Jolie. Really, Captain Obvious?!?! Going through a bit of Hell, are we? Now that you're feeling the wrath of Angie, you now know what it's like to be treated like a piece of garbage. An insider claims Brad reached out to Jen earlier this week, but that doesn't mean he wants to re-insert himself into her life.
Rumor has it that Brad and Angie are going to give their relationship another try for the sake of the kids. Awesome. But y'all best check your issues before you proceed. Cuz if they ain't gone, they'll just resurface.
P.S. Do you feel like this is a bit of Karma coming back to bite your sack?
#2 JON GOSSELIN
While Kim Jong-un is a disgrace to the North Korean folk, Jon is certainly in the running to be the ruination of South Korean folk. This fat, lazy POS has no J.O.B. and now he wants OUR help to pay his $30,000 in court fees incurred during his battle with ex-albatross, Kate. So, his girlfriend has started a GoFundMe campaign which is hoping to play on the sympathies of us fine people:
"The family and friends of Jon Gosselin know the loving, caring, devoted father that he is, and they understand his desire to do what is best for his children... Jon works hard each day and most weekends, wanting nothing more than to spend quality time with his kids."
Boo-effing-hoo! Then ask your damn peeps for a loan! His main complaint is that his ex makes all that reality/entertainment money, and he's struggling. Dude-- you used to be an engineer. AN ENGINEER! He had another engineering job once the Kate Plus 8 train derailed, but he left that job because of the pressure of being "known." So, dude tried to be club DJ and exotic dancer.
There is some charity involved here-- any extra money raised will go to a children's home in Pennsylvania. While that's cool and all, put your damn hand back in your damn pocket!
By the way, you're out of the Korean club, you fool!
#1 OZZY OSBOURNE
Maybe Blizzard of Oz is referring to that thang in his pants? Which is a visual I'm sorry to have produced in your mind... Wife Sharon is opening up about his infidelities. Ozzy was making nice with his hairstylist AND many others:
"There wasn't just one woman, there were six of them."
Vurp. And who were they?:
"Some f*cking Russian teenager, then a masseuse in England... our masseuse in L.A.-- and then, our cook."
Apparently, anyone that touches or feeds this toolbag might get some "bangers-and-mash." Sheesh. The cheating alone makes him an idiot, but this-- this makes him the King of Idiots:
"(We were sitting on the couch) he sends me this email. (I asked him) 'Why did you send me this stupid email?' Ozzy told me he hadn't sent me anything, I grabbed his phone and said 'Look!' And of course it was a message meant for one of his bloody women."
Oh, Ozzy. When you're trying to keep things on the D.L., double-check your "work." Or was your f*ck up your subconscious saying to you: "Stop being an idiot!"
About The Slap
I lovingly call out celebs for their naughty behavior. Sometimes a 'slap' is a needed wake-up call. ;)