They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week...  "The toilet paper goes OVER not UNDER!" ALEC BALDWIN
OFFENSE: Meany feenie
Mr. Happy is back at it-- exploding on whomever angers him. This time, it's his pregnant wife. The two had a public 'incident' in which Alec was gesticulating and yelling at his beloved. That's so sweet! Perhaps you should've starred in "Anger Management" instead of Charlie Sheen. At least he's amusing. You're just plain scary. I hope my twisted fantasy comes true-- that the Capital One vikings will turn on you and spear you in the junk-- a lot.
 "Owww! I hit my empty head!" KANYE WEST
OFFENSE: Crybaby
Poor Kanye walked into a street sign-- and he's blaming his baby-momma Kim! Though I'm not a fan of Kim, is it really her fault that you don't know how to walk? I'm actually surprised you were injured, because I thought your massive ego would've protected you like an invisible barrier. Guess not. So, pull your big boy pants up, grab a bandaid and a binkie and quit your belly-aching! What a wuss!
 "Not my drug money!" BROOKE MUELLER
OFFENSE: Absolutely pathetic
In rehab for the 20th time, Brooke continues to try to remove temporary custody of her two kids from Denise Richards. The kids are thriving and are happy-- makes perfect sense! Here's a thought: do what's best for your kids-- not yourself. You have a major-league drug issue, and your biggest concern is your $55-grand/month child support? Absolutely shameful. You're the perfect example of why some people should not breed. Hand over your ovaries, Brooke. YOU'RE OUT OF THE CLUB!
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week...  "I'm a badass!" JUSTIN BIEBER
OFFENSE: Ill-tempered brat
So, the L.A. County Sheriff's Department is recommending that the D.A. prosecute the Beebs for assaulting his neighbor back in March. Remember how Justin was test-driving his car at 8 am and speeding, and how his neighbor confronted him about it? Then, Justin spit in the dude's face and threatened to "f*cking kill him." Someone needs to put this ween in a time-out. Oh, and another thing, Justin. You're gonna "kill" someone? Please. You wouldn't dare muss your mani. What a joke.
 "I don't have no time for this sh*t." NENE LEAKES
OFFENSE: Falling into the diva wormhole!
I've grown to love NeNe. Her outspokenness, attitude, and humor make her likeable. But her newly-found diva behavior does not. At the recent upfronts for The Real Housewives of Atlanta, NeNe decided she was too exhausted, or bored, to take any more cast pictures with the show's sponsors. You know-- the people who help pay your million-dollar-per-year contract. It's cool you went from a stripper to a celeb, but keep in mind-- the tide can quickly turn from "Yay" to "Nay" for NeNe. You might just end up on some bad VH-1 reality show if you aren't careful.
 Lindsey: I'm gonna ball-slap you. TIGER WOODS
OFFENSE: Socially inept toolbag
To mark the occasion of their first public appearance as a couple, Tiger embarrassed Lindsey Vonn at the Met Gala afterparty. First, he pulled a Carlton from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and danced like a fool. Then, he got drunk and fell going up a flight of stairs. I know, it's hard for robots to be social. Perhaps this is the truth-- this undercover misogynist had a bad chemical reaction as the alcohol was trying to fight the moldy lab culture he must surely have in his pants.
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week...  "I'm a broke joke fool." JERMAINE JACKSUN
OFFENSE: Toolbagius limpus
Dude is behind-- again-- on his child support. Hey, but it's not as bad as last time! He only owes 30-grand! So while he's hoping to get a little piece of some potential lawsuit money from AEG, his ex-wife is taking him to court to get a big piece of his ass. Hey, lesser-talented-Jackson-- instead of spending your money on bad plastic surgery and changing your last name to Jack-Sun, like "sunshine", why don't you support your children!?! And, invest in some blotting papers! Your face is greasier than the deep fryer at Rally's.
 "I love Justine, I mean, Justin..." SELENA GOMEZ
OFFENSE: WTF?
It's hard to remain on Team Selena when you keep going back to that pimple, Justin Bieber! Maybe you have some tender feelings for him, or lost a bet, but come on! What is the attraction? His scrawny, concave chest? His smooth body and high-pitched voice because he hasn't reached puberty yet? The world is your buffet, yet you desire a Happy Meal-- without the toy. Sad. Please tell me you're really an undercover agent whose mission is to rid the world of bad Canadians. Please? Can you make Avril Lavigne disappear next?
 "But I don't want to go to rehaaaaaab...." LINDSAY LOHAN
OFFENSE: Delusional baby
Poor Lindsay was hysterically crying on her way to rehab, which she never checked into. First of all, she packed 270 outfits, but could only take 7, and-- she wants to go to a place where they'll still let her smoke cigarettes and keep her cell phone. So, I guess after begging her daddy and lawyer to make it go away, she skipped out on rehab. FYI: rehab ain't vacation. You're supposed to be getting clean. I wish we could send you to rehab for a real cleaning, because you look like a dirty street urchin-- on a good day.
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week...  "I am a famous actress!!!" TARA RED
OFFENSE: Skanky scammer
This boozy floozy threw quite a temper tantrum inside a trendy L.A. store because she didn't a get a celebrity discount for the clothes she wanted to buy. She claimed she always gets a discount from designer All Saints because it's good for their business. Really? Because All Saints wants to be known as the 'clothes you can fall down drunk in-- and still look good'. I can see the commercial now: "Our hair accessories are great at keeping your hair in place when you're hurling your brains out." The only brands that may want to be associated with your drunkenness are Tylenol and Tucks.
 "Ate. Too. Much. Cheese...." BEYONCE
OFFENSE: Control freak
Suffering from a severe case of diva-itis, Bey has banned press photographers from her tour after she was embarrassed by unflattering pictures from the Super Bowl. She's hired her own photog, and will only release 3-5 pre-approved images to ensure that she always looks her best. Whatevs. Yes, it's horrifying to have bad pics floating around. I know. I hate the ones of myself where it looks like I have three chins-- and I'm not even Chinese! But I digress. Yes, you may grimace like a possum that's giving birth from its butt after eating a wheel of cheese, but really-- it's okay!
 "Occcci-ferrrrrr. Don't u know who I am?" REESE WITHERSPOON
OFFENSE: Image buster
Your sweetheart image has been destroyed with your belligerent, drunken, celeb-card-playin' behavior. Had you kept your trap shut while your hubby was taking his DUI test, you wouldn't be facing your own charges. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. Asking the cop defiantly "Do you know my name?" is egotistical and really cliche. And in case you're wondering, we all know what your name is: Reese Drank-A-Bunch-of-Boons.
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week...  "I got two Brady Bunches here." OCTOMOM
OFFENSE: Dumb
Living her life like the hot mess that she is, Octomom has trashed the home she was renting after getting kicked out, and she's guilty of welfare fraud. Nice. Why don't you do something good? You could rent one of your 14 kids to a couple thinking of having a baby-- the best birth control! Ever! Or, you could re-enact one of those 'self-lovin'' videos for North Korean idiot Kim Jong Un. While his fat chipmunk cheeks jiggle with anticipation, your kids can go steal his nuke.
 "I'm really an Olsen twin in disguise," JUSTIN BIEBER
OFFENSE: Really not smart
While visiting the Anne Frank Museum, he signed the guest book with this touching thought: 'Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully, she would have been a Beliber.' I'm sure she would've been a fan, until she realized that you're as manly as a tampon. Why don't you take some of your millions and buy an Adam's apple and some testosterone. Mickey Mouse sounds manlier than you.
 "I need my scrips!" LINDSAY LOHAN
OFFENSE: Totally not so smart
Lindsay is demanding that she not be denied her Adderall in rehab, or she ain't stayin'! Well guess what? You don't have a say. Perhaps you should be concerned with more pressing things other than keeping your abused, unnecessary prescription nearby. For example-- staying out of jail! Or, showing up to work on time when you actually get a job. And maybe most importantly, finding someone to pay for your vaginoplasty-- because it's surely more vast than a parted Red Sea.
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week...  "Hands off my money!" ANTONIO DE LA RUA aka SHAKIRA'S EX
OFFENSE: A poor excuse for a man
This toolbag is suing Shakira for $100 million. He claims he kinda-sorta acted as her manager during the 11-years they were together, therefore, entitling him to a chunk of her fortune. Shakira says-- NO WAY! The only deal they ever signed was an agreement stating both parties would keep their own assets if they ever split. HA HA! Looks like someone's sucking a whole vineyard of sour grapes. Whatever. Her "Hips Don't Lie" but your lips do-- you Latino Loser!
 "Who am I?" RAY J
OFFENSE: Has-been ass pimple
Keeping it classy with a diss track, he's reminding Kanye West that he was with Kim Kardashian first, with the endearing track: "I Hit It First". Wow. They sure don't write love songs like they used to. Yes, your "hang low" hangs low enough to get road rash, but the real reason we know your name is because you served as Kim's taco filling... Sadly, she has a career-- and you don't. What does the "J" stand for, Ray? Jackal?
 "I tell you what to do and you likey!" GWYNETH PALTROW
OFFENSE: Snobby, pretentious wenchbag
Gwynie Bear has a new cookbook on how to feed your family nutritious meals-- if you're filthy, stinkin' rich. Her book has been slammed by critics, who point out that it would cost $300 a day to feed a family based on her recipes! Her tuna salad recipe alone would cost $120. Quite affordable, dontcha think? Gwyneth, allow me to feed you-- for FREE. We'll start off with a large bowl of "Bite Me" soup, followed by a "Kiss-My-Rump-Roast" sandwich, and a "Go To Hell" sundae for dessert. Please, ask for seconds...
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week...  "I am muthaf*ckin' fabulous." NICKI MINAJ
OFFENSE: Ego maniac
This Ghetto Booty Barbie thinks she's a 'spectacular' judge on American Idol. Yes, it's soooo spectacular that you can cuss and do your neck/head roll and demonstrate how awesome you aren't. I'm sure you think you're a spectacular 'singer' as well. You know what I think will be spectacular? Your ride into oblivion and obscurity-- and it can't get here fast enough!
 "Just call me Dr. Toolbag..." CONRAD MURRAY
OFFENSE: Batsh*t crazy
His interview with Anderson Cooper took a turn into Bizarro Land when he suddenly started singing a Nat King Cole Christmas tune. Okay, Dr. Looney Tunes. Are you playing Santa Claus in prison? I bet you have the perfect stocking stuffers for the boys: self-administering Propofol drips, bars of soap for those 'calisthenics' in the shower, and one of your harem of baby mommas.
 "The year I was born...." JOAN RIVERS
OFFENSE: Hypocrite
Because calling Adele 'fat' once wasn't enough, this big-mouthed relic has now picked on Adele again because she hasn't shed her baby weight yet. In fact, she joked that she took an ad out on Adele's backside to apologize, but then had a ton of room left over. Ha ha ha! Not. Have you looked in a mirror lately? I'm sure you were 'all that' during the Big Bang, but now-- a fossilized turd looks better than you.
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week...  "You want to be me. Yes you do!" GWYNETH PALTROW
OFFENSE: Self-absorbed wenchbag
Thank you, sweet baby Jesus for allowing the most awesome Gwyneth Paltrow to be born. For without her, I would not know what to eat, what to think, what to listen to or what to wear! Yes, I will gladly max-out all of my credit cards so I can buy what she says I need to have for my Spring wardrobe this year. Yes-- who doesn't have $450,000!?!?! You know what I'm gonna do this Spring? Pay some wino $4.50 to knee you in your saggy boobies. Enjoy.
 "All clean. Thanks, Roto Rooter!" RIHANNA
OFFENSE: Inconsiderate bimbo
She kept 2,000 Chicago school children waiting over 3 hours for her arrival at their school. The kids won a video contest and a chance to meet her in person. And on top of that-- she only stayed for 12 minutes after she provided no explanation or apology for her tardiness. Not cool. The only reasons to be late? 1. You were wiping your nose of your forgotten "powder". Don't want to be a bad example. 2. You were flushing the Chris Brown grease out of your cookie jar. Why don't you take some of your millions and buy a damn watch!
 "Don't make me get my mommy!" JUSTIN BIEBER
OFFENSE: Not-so-tough guy
Justin got into a screaming match with his neighbor over his driving skills. And, he allegedly spit in the dude's face and threatened to kill him. That's not what really happened. Here's what did. Justin and Lil Twist got all "Wonder Twin Powers Activate" on the neighbor. Lil Twist was shape of bucket and Justin was form of ice. Then, Justin stuck his tongue out and said "Nanny, nanny, boo-boo" and ran and hid under his own skirt. Grow up, Justin!
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week...  "Where'd ya say I should stick this thumb?" MICHAEL LOHAN
OFFENSE: Big-mouthed butthole
In a continuing effort to not talk about his daughter Lindsay in the media, he held a press conference outside the courthouse the day Lindsay received her sentence. He ranted about how her lawyers are in it for the money and attention and how people are taking advantage of her. Have you looked in a mirror lately, Daddy Dearest? If you cared about your kid half as much as you say you do, she wouldn't be in this position. Dear Michael: I have for you the best gift that will serve all of humanity-- an ocean-size cup of STFU!
 "Talk to the hand, haters." KATE GOSSELIN
OFFENSE: Ego-centric windbag
Kate is all upset that someone named Carlos Gosselin may not be a real fan of hers on Twitter, and may have posted as one of her children. Who would want to be your kid? She demanded that he change his last name immediately. Because Kate is the only Gosselin alive! Look. The only reason we even know of your existence is because you treated your womb like a three-ring circus. If I were your ex, I'd ask for my last name back. Then you can take on a name you truly fit: Kate Bitchlin.
 "Sniff it, bitches." THE KARDASHIAN 'LADIES'
OFFENSE: Grossest of gross
In one of the lowest moments in reality TV, and yes-- it was difficult to choose- Kim and Kourtney decided to have a vajayjay sniffing contest, with Khloe as the referee. All of this to determine which of them had the sweetest smelling 'flower.' I wouldn't even want my worst enemy to touch their panties, let only stick their face near their cauldron of ick. I can break this down for you: Kourtney's smells like burnt grease; Kim's smells like Kanye's breath; and let's throw Khloe in there. Hers smells like a gym locker room. Please, cleanse with the world's largest Airwick and get out of here!
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week...  "Cackle, cackle, cackle..." SARAH JESSICA PARKER
OFFENSE: Ghoul
Sarah claims her feet have been ruined by wearing cheap, $50 high heels. She says her tootsies her are just fine when she wears her pricey Manolos. Whatever. There's a reason why women don't run races or play sports in heels-- they're not really comfortable! Duh! That would be like us blaming our blurred vision and nightmares on watching one of your bad movies, like: "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" or "I Don't Know How She Does It". Wait... we should be blaming you. Nevermind.
 "I'm really in love this time..." ALEXIS DEJORIA
OFFENSE: Fool
This motorcycle race and heiress to the John Mitchell fortune is set to marry Jesse James. Yes, the dude that can't keep it in his pants. This will be his 4th marriage. I'm sure they're really in love. Wait, maybe Jesse is really in love with Alexis' daddy. An insider says Jesse has a man-crush on John. I can see it now. One day Alexis is going to see Jesse offer John a ride on his "custom hog." VURP!
 "I'm like fine Corinthian leather..." STEVEN TYLER
OFFENSE: Tool
Look out, Taylor Swift-- Steven Tyler's comin' for ya! He recently called Taylor "hot" to a reporter and said he'd love to write a song with her. I hope he means write a song, and not some code phrase for "I hope I'm invited to the 'cookie' party." Steven's been known to leer and drool over anything with ovaries. It's great that Sparky The Horndog is still alive, but please. I can only imagine what songs they'd be writing-- "Love in An Assisted Living Facility" or "Walk(er) This Way".
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