They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's "Two. Two. Two tw*ts in one!"
who got a loving bitch slap this week...
RIHANNA "Pressed pimple ham anyone?"
Our beloved RiRi has started yet another Twitter war-- this time with up-and-coming singer Teyana Taylor. Teyana put up a YouTube video, and for some reason Rihanna took offense-- then put up a video mocking Teyana. This then started a profane war of words and bad grammar between the two. Why the hate, Rihanna? Is it because you're threatened by someone who can actually sing? Anywho, I think it's time you move on to the job you're destined for-- a meat inspector in a beef factory, where you can perform on your back or knees-- both of which you're very good at.
JUSTIN BIEBER "I loooves me the taste of skank!"
After a 6-week hiatus, the Beebs returned to the stage in Singapore and nearly caused an international incident! Apparently, he didn't use his down time to buy a belt because his low-riding baggy pants slid down-- nearly mooning the stunned crowd. Too bad he wasn't arrested. Don't they cane people in Singapore? Let's take up a collection and buy him a belt, suspenders, a muzzle and a hysterectomy so he can't be anyone's baby momma.
Guess what? Miley's naked again! Yawn. And guess what again? She's licking something! Maybe she has some kind of strange illness, or dry mouth. Her tongue is really gross-- I'm sure it has a long list of all the Oscar Mayers and fruit bowls it's licked. I can't wait for its tell-all book entitled "Pubes and Dudes-- My Life as Miley's Tongue." Perhaps Miley is really a public service announcement: Hey, Kids-- don't let Cyrus Virus get you! You'll morph from a good-looing, fairly decent person into a walking, talking, oozing representation of Hep-C-meets-toilet scum. And on a side note, Miley: hand back your ovaries-- you're out of the club!
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving "You want this..."
bitch slap this week...
DINA LOHAN "This one's miiiiine!"
OFFENSE: Beyond hot mess
She claims she's the last person who has a problem with booze, but guess who got busted for DWI? Yup. This trainwreck. And, it's pretty sad when your daughter-- the Queen of Rehab-- is embarrassed by your behavior. Had you spent more of your time being a parent instead of a fame-seeking hog, perhaps your children would have a happier, more productive life. Way to go, Mom of the Year. Love how you lead by example-- an example of how to be a tore-up-from-the-floor-up pathetic skankasaurus.
DAVID TUTERA "School is for fools!"
The uber-famous wedding planner recently went through a nasty divorce from his husband. In light of this, they've decided to raise their newborn twin babies separately. Who does this? They say the twins will always be in each other's lives, but these two "adult" idiots live on separate coasts!!!! How completely selfish is this? The bond between twins is something special, and now they'll suffer. I'm completely repulsed. And when your kids end up pulling a Menendez brothers on you-- oh, well.
Will Smith's highly-evolved teenaged son (note the sarcasm) tweeted: "School Is The Tool To Brainwash The Youth, Education Is Rebellion. If Newborn Babies Could Speak They Would Be The Most Intelligent Beings On Planet Earth." Okay. Have you seen society now!?!? With that deep statement, Deepak Douche-ra, I'm confident a baby is more intelligent than you. It's so easy to philosophize when you're living off of mommy and daddy's millions, and won't ever have to worry about real life. I so want to bring back Survival of the Fittest, sponsored by STFU, Kiss My Ass, and Eat-a-Bag-and-Die.
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week... "He won't cheat on me!"
ALEXIS DEJORIA "I'm VERY important! MOVE!"
Being a race car driver and heiress to the Paul Mitchell fortune apparently doesn't guarantee that you possess a brain. The THIRD wife of lowdown-flea-bitten-scabies-covered-dirtbag Jesse James said she wanted to marry him the 'first day she saw him'. Aw, so sweet! What was the attraction exactly? The smell of skank stank and 5-day-old meat? She says they 'have a lot in common'. Oh, so you're also an affront to females-- considering you're quite a manly looking woman. Or perhaps he loves your pending inheritance. Nooooo, that doesn't happen ever. Wake. Up.
GWYNETH PALTROW "Once you go black ball...."
OFFENSE: The biggest self-absorbed bitch ever! Ever!
Gwyn Hag was picking up one of her golden offspring the other day while riding her pretentious Vespa. Well, she then darted out into traffic-- in front of a school bus! The driver had to slam on the brakes while scooted away, unphased. Well, don't you know how important she is!?!? Obviously, she was in a hurry to either update her Goop website, or buy a $70 jar of honey for a recipe that she says WE need to eat. While you're in a hurry, could you drop your kid off, then drive off a cliff? Thanks.
OFFENSE: Possible anti-Christ
Why, dear sweet baby Jesus have you allowed this prostitute to infiltrate all aspects of our media? She has a new video called 'Wrecking Ball', where she's sadly crying... and riding naked on top of a wrecking ball. See how clever? Wrecking ball song, wrecking ball betwixt her legs? #1 Please, go away. Plus, your daddy needs his undies washed. #2 I'm thinking this ain't the first time you've ridden on a ball. Weren't Mickey's the first?
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a P: "I hate you." G: "Eat a bag of dicks."
loving bitch slap this week...
LADY GAGA AND PEREZ HILTON "Oh, I wish I sucked an Oscar Meyer weiner..."
Sadly, the lovefest is over between these two. It all started because Perez tweeted he didn't like her new song, and she claimed he's stalking her because he was in her apartment building. Whatevs. I Think Gaga is just upset because he's underwhelmed by her song. (Me, too.) It happens. But I guess now the feud is on like Donkey Kong. I'd like to see these two in a Celebrity Death Match. My money's on Gaga. Cuz when her meat dress gets warm, it'll be slippery. Plus, Perez might be distracted by all that meat. Wink. Wink.
SYDNEY LEATHERS "I really just need a hug..."
Anthony Weiner is a complete 'butter face', but aside from that-- I'm assuming his junk ain't that awesome. I suspect it resembles a finger puppet wearing a yamaka. But I digress. Ms. Leathers is going down (no pun intended) the usual route of any chick caught in a sex scandal-- let's make an adult film! But her movie is different. It's entitled: "Weiner and Me". With 'funny parts', according to Sydney. Define funny parts. Funny looking? Do these said parts laugh? Instead of an adult film, you should've worked an endorsement deal with Oscar Meyer, since you're obviously very weeeeener-friendly.
It's really hard to appreciate your musical talent because you're such a flaming douche sniffer. Kanye turned down an offer from American Idol to be a judge because he didn't want to go mainstream and ruin his 'street cred'. Street cred? What street cred? Your mom was a college professor! Way to keep it reelz in suburbia, yo. Why can't you just go away? I wish you'd fall into a sinkhole. So I guess I wish you'd fall between Kris Jenner's legs...
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving "These two..."
bitch slap this week...
OCTOMOM "Toot. Toot."
OFFENSE: Scam artist
So, there looks to be proof that Octomom committee a little welfare fraud by not being forth-cumming about her in-cum. (Sorry, couldn't resist.) She did some pole dancing and an adult 'solo' film and made some serious jack (off.) (I did it again, sorry.) I get it. Sex pays. But you need to pay up-- because you're ripping us taxpayers off! You know, bending us over like a cheap hussy without dinner first. I'm sure with your newly acquired skills, you may fare well in prison.
KATY PERRY "Why can't u feel my awesomeness? WAAAAAAAAA!"
OFFENSE: Butt bomber
Her proof to the world that she's not dating Robert Pattinson is because she farts in front of him. Not just any old gas-- but a 'proper' fart'. What the hell is a 'proper' fart!?!?!? One that doesn't reek? One that sounds like a trumpet? Seriously. And another thing. WE don't have this so-called 'poof proof'. WE only have your word-of-butt. So, I suggest you take Robert and your bomb-dropping booty to an extremely public place and let one rip so we know for sure that your are not dating him. Weird.
After spending 45 minutes in jail for hit-and-run, this whiny, raisin-nuts crybaby tweeted that he's quitting music after his next album because people don't care about his art-- they're just focused on his past actions. Boo-friggin'-hoo. Why don't you stick your fist in your mouth and get over it? Sorry. People may have forgiven your woman-beating ways if you would've shown some remorse and humility. But NOOOOOOOOOOO! You're a tool. Fine, quit music. And quit breathing while you're at it!
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving "Here's one I haven't had..."
bitch slap this week...
COURTNEY STODDEN "I'm dumb. And I'm dumber!"
The below-F reality TV star most famously known for marrying actor Dough Hutchison is back flaunting what God (and a plastic surgeon) gave her. She's donned a lettuce cup bikini in support of PETA and going meat-free-- which I'm sure she's already doing since there's a 35-year age difference between her and her hubby... but I digress. Please, put some clothes on. Plus, it's time for Doug's diaper change and prune juice refill.
"THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY" 'stars' TERESA AND JOE GUIDICE This is the mating call of The Cowell
These two tools face 50-years in prison each on federal charges that include forgery, mail fraud, failure to file income tax returns, and more. Wish they could be charged with being an affront to the human race. This isn't the first time "Juicy Joe" has been trouble, and yet his devoted wife (with the really weird hairline) stands by his side. Hope your life-- which is just as fake as your boobs, tans and hair plugs-- was worth it!
OFFENSE: Dumb. Really dumb.
Simon's gonna be a daddy! Yay! With his good friend's wife! Noooo! Well, she is estranged from her husband, so that makes her fertile fair game! Simon, maybe there is and maybe there isn't a 'bro code' about 'makin' nice' with your friend's soon-to-be-ex. But at least let that thang breathe before charting the waters to tuna island! (P.S. How could you fall for the whole 'She told me she was on birth control' ruse!?!?)
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week... This tool ain't no fool... or is he?
JON GOSSELIN This juice is spoiled...
Little Jonny says he's not afraid of the lawsuit his ex-wife Kate has brought against him because he's gonna let the truth come out. Woo hoo! And what truth could you possibly expose? That you're not 'one hung low'? That you're a disgrace to fellow yellows? That you're a complete douchebag? We already know this. Now-- go back to hiding under that rock.
OJ SIMPSON Carlos Danger to the rescue...
So he thinks he's gonna get out of jail and then land a job with Charlie Sheen on "Anger Management". HA HA HA! Obviously, his time behind bars (where he belongs) has made him crazy (er). Not gonna happen according to FX, but nice try. Perhaps when you do get out, you could make a documentary about finding the real killers of Ron and Nicole. Oh, yeah. That would be an autobiography, wouldn't it? Burn....
Dude can't stop sexting. And he even has an alter ego superhero-esque name for his dirty deeds: Carlos Danger! What would your superhero power be? Quick to finish? (from what we hear). This is... stunning, especially because you look like a broke-down Keebler elf. Not as masculine as your cheesy name. Perhaps your pseudonym should be "Jack in the Box"... if you know what I mean...
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week... "Yo momma sucks!"
JUSTIN BIEBER "Git in my belly!"
OFFENSE: Douchebag extraordinare
A Columbus DJ says Justin's entourage tried to rough him up after accusing him of taking photos of him-- which he wasn't. Justin then insulted the dude's family, and then his favorite move-- spat in his face. So disrespectful. Unless you're a long-lost dilophosaurus, or from the camel family where spitting is what they do. Actually, we shouldn't be surprised. Word around the Village (People), is that you're a 'spitter'.. wink, wink.
KIRSTIE ALLEY "Come to your leader...."
OFFENSE: Bitter Betty
She can't stop slamming her former friend Leah Remini for leaving Scientology. WAAAAA! Just because you drank the juice doesn't mean everyone else has to. And-- everyone has the right to an opinion whether you agree or not-- so don't get your Spanx in a wad. Or better yet, take them thangs off. They're obviously cutting off the oxygen to your cream cheese-filled brain.
There are religions, and then there's this faux P.O.S. cult. Members writing reports about other members, spying on one another, trying to make love connections with fellow robots. Awesome! Oh, and your 'cross' looks like a big weener with a bejeweled sack. But I digress. Usually a religion centers around a 'God', which you don't have, but you're a religion. Riiiight. And by the way, what creative name-- Scientology. I think I'll start a 'religion' called Kissmybuttology. Dig that.
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week... "What's that sound? My career crashing."
JUSTIN BIEBER "I ROCK these granny panties, bitches!"
Another week, another lawsuit or speeding incident. Now, his friends and family want him to go to rehab. What exactly is he addicted to? Huffing Vagisil? Please. He's not addicted. He's a dick. What he needs is a few hours of good old-fashioned Midwest discipline from us. Let's all gather in Market Square and play the game "Belt, Stick or Paddle". We choose our weapon and take one swat at this maple-leafed pansy.
MILEY CYRUS "Ha, Ha, I'm an asshole..."
From classy to trashy, Miley was proudly strutting around in an outfit on GMA that made her look like a slutty, diaper-wearing peacock. We understand the desire to shed your old skin, and in your case-- your clothers-- and take on a new look. Since your latest album is not as spectacular as you had hoped, perhaps your new look can translate into a role in a lifetime movie on skanktastic dopeheads.
OFFENSE: Way too angry
He rear-ends a woman, but she's the bitch because she caught him trying to give her false information. Of course! For being such a 'changed man' you proclaim to be-- you are neither. It would be awesome if you would one day encounter Martha Stewart in a dark alley. First of all, I think she's way manlier than you. Second of all, she could whoop you in 10-seconds flat with a wire whisk, an egg timer, and a foil swan.
They're naughty, and someone needs to keep them in line. Here's who got a loving bitch slap this week... "You don't get me... Boo."
MARILYN MANSON "Anybody know what time it is?"
Yes, it was sweet of you to offer Paris Jackson tickets to your show in light of her recent suicide attempt. But to then re-enact her attempt by whipping out a knife and pretending to cut your arm is a whole lotta B.S. It's not art. The only statement you may be making is that you're a complete jackal. Thanks, but no thanks. And by the way, for some reason you look like you smell really bad.
RIHANNA "God is angry!"
OFFENSE: All kinds of dumb
She was hours late for three concerts overseas. I guess that's what happens when you stay out all night and you have no respect for your fans. You know-- the ones who buy your music and pay to see you act like a ho on stage. Perhaps we can buy you a timepiece and place it somewhere you'll actually see it-- like on a dude's crotch, on the tops of your feet while your legs are in the air, or attached to a vile of cocaine.
OFFENSE: The Ultimate toolbag
Kanye has called himself God. And Jesus, too. Yeah, some people aren't cool with that. I can see why you think you're God, considering Kim's ass is the size of the universe and you dominate her. But in reality, to even compare yourself to a deity is disgusting. Comparing yourself to a whiny, hyper-sensitive bitch is more accurate. Oh, and P.S.-- God wouldn't have taken a header off a street sign.