Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Could It Be, Saaatan?

1/11/2019

Offenders for the week ending January 11, 2019:

#3 CARDI B

This chick is a one-woman show. Her breathing air alone provides so much material. From cat-fighting with Nicki Minaj, to saying she had butterflies in her jay-jay, she's golden. This time around, she had to stop her show because of intense twerking. So intense that...

"Anyways, y'all, I need a little break. I'll be right back, I gotta take this wedgie out my ass."

And then she skipped off stage to address what was betwixt her cheeks. I wonder if the jaws of life were needed to help her out? Or does she have a personal ass-istant to address such matters?

Great way to capitalize on this, though. An endorsement with Charmin bathroom tissue.

"Your hiney's so Charmin shiny..."

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#2 JEFF BEZOS

He started Amazon from his garage, sending us boxes of joy. And it appears he couldn't keep his trouser snake out of his friend's wife's box. Whoops!

The gajillionaire is getting divorced from his wife of 25-years. Guess he wanted some south-of-the-border lovin' from TV host Lauren "Dirty?" Sanchez. Great choice. For so many reasons. Especially the one where this chick likes to high-profile date. Who better to bang than the dude who created Amazon? The pair's coupling is the main reason for Bezos' divorce. Kudos for keeping it on the DL for eight months. Not.

The two had been jetting off to exotic destinations, sending sext messages (vurp-- he's no looker), and hooking up in private estates. But this takes the prize-- a rendezvous at the same Boston hotel Jeff's family stayed at when in town for Parents Day at his son's college.

Boo.

You know Amazon's slogan: "Work hard, have fun, make history." Congrats, Skeezos, for being just another typical douche who takes-the-wood to his buddy's wife. Tacky. Classless. Maybe a porch pirate needs to snatch you off this planet.

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#1 CHRISTIAN BALE

We've been doing the slap for a number of years now. But seriously, when did Hollywood become completely un-fun and inundated with complete muff pimples!?!? There must be something in the air these people are breathing, or maybe Hollywood-types are Lizard People, cuz these folks are not rational.

At the Golden Globe Awards, Christian won for his portrayal of Dick Cheney in the film "Vice." Congrats.

During his acceptance speech is when he decided to thank Satan. If actors can insincerely thank God, why not Satan?

Well... I wouldn't want to invoke an evil entity. But that's just me. Perhaps he's already sold his soul to said entity, which would explain why he's even famous.

Is it coincidental that a man named Christian would praise the polar opposite, Satan? Perhaps you're more like Satan than Christ. There was that little incident a few years back where you were accused of assaulting your mother and sister. No Christ-like brotherly love there. Is this just a life-long need to retaliate against your birth name. If you were named Twatski, would you then be living today as a better human being?

Way to go, American A&&hole!

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Jailhouse C&ck

1/4/2019

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Offenders for the week ending January 4, 2019:

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#3 MADONNA

In a sad need to remain top-of-mind, it appears Madge has gotten butt implants. Just in time for the New Year! Apparently, she was performing on stage at a gay club in NYC with her 13-year-old son when patrons noticed a curvier derriere. And it's obvious she didn't receive the gluteal gain from a lot of squats. Her ass looks like a mini-Minaj-- like two cantaloupes stuffed into some stretchy pants. Fans reacted:

"Looks like she has a pillow down there!"

"GOTTA be pads. GOTTA be. Right?!?!"

Others were saying that the lump was the battery pack for her in-ears. Battery packs aren't curvy.... butt.... the truth remains to be seen. Just hope she doesn't drop her pants to prove either theory. For the love of God, put your lady stuff away!

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#2 KANYE WEST

I don't know why Yeezy has such a boner for Drake. Maybe it's because he's Canadian. If that's the case, okay. You live in our country's attic, basically, so just stay there. But for realz, Kanye is bent because Drake-- at one time-- followed his wife, Kimmie K, on the Insta. Well, lock him up! Kim has a gajillion followers because she's perpetually in a state of near-undress. Of course any straight man with a pulse in his crotch is gonna follow her! But there is no talking logic to Kanye:

"I never knew till this morning that Drake followed my wife on Instagram back in September. I had to bring this up because it's the most f*cked up thing of all and I just saw it this morning. Imagine having a problem with somebody and they follow your wife on Instagram."

Ohhhkaaaaay.

Drake and Kanye have been beefin' since Kanye accused Drake of trying to contact the Kardashians and allegedly threatening some kind of physical harm over revealing that Drake has a 14-year-old love-child.

My head hurts for so many reasons. But seriously, why isn't Kanye a reality show? So. Much. Material.

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#1 RONNIE ORTIZ-MAGRO, "Jersey Shore" Castmember

Is it the Jersey Way to star on a reality TV show, then become a criminal? Fellow castmember Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino was sentenced to eight months in prison for tax evasion, and now his buddy might be joining him in the clink if he can't get his shizz together. Ronster is a "person of interest" in a possible burglary that happened in the wee hours of New Year's Day. At least he's finally the "interesting" one from that cast. Too bad he needed a toxic relationship and potential criminal record to make that a reality.

Ronnie and his baby-momma Jen Harley are constantly on-again, off-again. So, they were "on" on New Year's Eve, but then "off" after an argument. There was alleged destruction of property, the thieving of property, but fortunately-- no violence.

Dude, get away from the Jen-uation. She's bad news. There are plenty of other spray-tanned, big-haired, teenie-bikini shore chicks for you to "dock your canoe". And most importantly-- you are the father of an 8-month-old girl. What kind of example are you setting? A sh&tty one. Back off the 'roids and man up where it counts-- your character.

Don't let your brain become as shriveled as your nuts.

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Twit Trifecta

12/28/2018

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We're taking a break from slapping celebrities. We'd thought we'd end the year slapping a few real-life characters that are in desperate need of punishment. With that in mind, enjoy.

Offenders for the year ending 2018:

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#3 "SACKLESS WONDER"

You are all the bad/litigious "-ists/-isms" rolled into one. Perhaps one day you'll discover the one "-ism" you're lacking: "professionalism". But since you're close to the "hang 'em up" age, there's no hope for you. Plus, your reputation outside your shanty kingdom is less-than stellar, like, you're a complete joke.

Your weaknesses include: indecision; a lack of balls; poor self-evaluation; easily persuaded; and believing you're own bullsh*t. You're a knee-jerk reactor and a jerk in general. Perhaps you should next study under a magician since you're good with smoke and mirrors.

I do want to give you props for being an excellent binge-drinker, party animal, airhead, "company man" and all-around ass clown. I can respect an outright assh&le. It's the covert ones like you that pretend to care that make my skin crawl. Hope that selling your soul to the Devil was worth the vajay-jay you now have in the place of what I assume would've been your snack-size sausage link.

P.S. Perhaps you should be a tad more discreet when gettin' some "strange". Everyone knows!

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#2 "C*NTZILLA"

You're expert at exuding bad attitude and a pro at being condescending. That's why you're C*ntzilla. You can take down an entire town and reduce someone to rubble in seconds. You're also the epitome of what females should not aspire to become. You're manipulative, self-serving, self-absorbed, and downright douchey. You like to divide people and talk sh&t about them to advance your own agenda. If someone isn't on your side, then you always find a way to push them out. A team player you're not-- unless you and your buddy Carp Crotch (because she smells like an entire ocean of dead fish) are hoppin' on Sackless Wonder's genital area.

Since we've established that he has an MIA "fruit bowl", the two of you must be on an archaeological dig. All that surveying has curried you favor. Perhaps silly putty-titties and the disposition of a rabid badger are "en vogue." If so, you've got style for the ages. Otherwise, you're a pathetic excuse for a human being.

"Oh, no. There goes Canton, OH. Go, go, C*ntzilla!"

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#1 "CRAZY EYES"

Since you think you're evolved, intelligent and superior, I thought I'd write a little poem for you. Forget the prose. Everything that needs to be said is spewed below. Forgive my imperfect rhyme, because I'm not as scholarly as you: Bwaaa haaaa haaaaa haaaaa!

Ode to the Un-Woke

You should've taken notes when I tried to teach you
But you didn't care, so let the beasts eat you.
Chirping like a bird to your mother hen
To hatch your plan-- but how did it end?
You're not a star (please);
You don't matter (ha-ha).
There is no happily-ever-after... for you.
A tool, a fool who chose to deceive.
In you no one can believe.
Because to you all men are bad
And they're out to get you (or get with you)
Thanks to your issues with dad.
What you don't know is that you're... sad
And fake and a little lazy.
You should've earned it.
And not burned it,
Mizz Mother F*ckin' Crazy.

Happy New Year to *all* of yous...

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Sure Stoopid

12/21/2018

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Offenders for the week ending December 21, 2018

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#3 CARDI B

When a marriage falls apart, it's sad whether you initiate the separation or not. There's a mourning process that happens. You miss your friend; Your companion; Your lover. Perhaps you even miss the family unit if kids are involved.

Well, Cardi ain't got no time for that. What she misses the most is her husband's "D".

"I miss it a lot. I want it in my throat, inside of me, demolishing me, destroying me."

Uh... destroying? With his wonder wang? Or with his diseased dong because the reason y'all broke up is because he cheated on you?

As the saying goes: There are other D's in the sea. Reel in a large one, cuz that's apparently what you... crave.

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#2 AL B. SURE!

When I think of looney-tunes-cray-cray reality TV stars, Danielle Staub of Real Housewives of New Jersey might take the prize. She's proven that growth and maturity does not come with age. In fact, she may be even looney-er. How she even knows R&B artist Al is quite intriguing... but also, disturbing. Because these two are allegedly saying "hi" to each other while Danielle is going through a divorce. Again.

The two were spotted getting all cozy at a Harlem hotel recently. Though they're denying it, we know that Danielle has loose lips (both sets?) and has been telling her friends all about it.

WTH, Al? Of all the fish bowls in the world, you're diving head-first into this one? A handy from a hooker would be way more acceptable than this.

Please don't tell me you're serenading her with your 80s hit "Nite and Day". Because now it's forever ruined. You best be careful if you are knockin' da boots because you might melt that venus-fly-snatch with all that plastic in her body.

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#1 KIM ZOLCIAK

Speaking of plastic... we need a Botox intervention of some of these reality TV stars. Kimmie is the perfect example why. She was attractive enough, but became addicted to tweaking and now she looks ridiculous. The lips. Of a duck on steroids. Even her sheeple want her to stop:

"You are beautiful but I really wish you would consider stopping with the lip injections, you're actually prettier without them."

Winner! Winner!

What bothers me the most is that she's allowed her daughters to get injected. Yes, her eldest didn't get the needle until she was 18 and technically legal... but you know what I mean. Can y'all save the 'tox for us older broads? Damn.

Anywho, her lips are so big, they look like they actually hurt!

Perhaps we're all missing something here. Perhaps this is all some part of a duck fetish. You know, like Care Bros and Furries.

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Life Offenders

12/14/2018

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Offenders for the week ending December 14, 2018:

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#3 KOURTNEY KARDASHIAN

John Mayer has his sights set on Kourtney. For the love of all things sacred-- don't go there! I'm not a Kardashian fan, but no one deserves John-Oscar-Mayer. The two were chatting at GQ's Men of the Year party. He was "very into" her. Yeah, and he was heard dropping lines like their crossing paths was "sweet serendipity" and that they should "meet up again soon."

Gag.

Kourtney is supposedly not feeling the Mayer (Yay!). Let's keep it that way. Stay strong. Get. Batteries.

Run from this wang as fast as you can!

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#2 TISH CYRUS

The bonds between a mom and child can be so strong. so it's so sweet that Miley Cyrus and mom Tish are close. Because they smoke weed together.

Miley had given up the green last spring. But momma encouraged her to start again. Miley was happy to be pot-free because she wanted to speak clearly while promoting her new record. But Tish must've said something awesome to change her mind.

"My mom smokes a lot of week. She's gonna be like, 'Well, I've been wanting to do a weed company so you got me started. I'll get you in, don't worry.'"

Oh, goodie. Tish wants to run a business in which she can be in charge of Quality Control? Sigh.

Who cares if you are a potter. But encouraging others to join in-- especially your child no matter what her age-- is repulsive. She was proud and happy to be off of everything, but losers love company.

Way to go, mom of the year.

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#1 NICKI MINAJ

WTF!?!? There are plenty of fish in the sea (and probs in your crotch) So why date a criminal? Especially one that is a registered sex offender!?!?

The large-assian is dating some douche named Kenneth Petty. The two made their relationship Insta official over the weekend. I can do a quickie Google search to find info on anyone. With your resources, you can't do a thorough background check?

It's one thing if you didn't know. But once you found out, why not drop him like a bad habit? Oh, because you support sex offenders. And you think it's all good. Nicki's man was convicted in 1995 of attempted rape in the first degree involving a 16-year-old girl. He was sentenced 18-to-54 months in prison. Meanwhile, Nicki's brother was found guilty in 2017 of sexually assaulting an 11-year-old. Oh-- she's also publicly supported rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine who was involved in a sexually explicit video of a 13-year-old girl.

And you've criticized Cardi B's parenting. You're a horrible human. Zip it, beyotch!

You are the company you keep, so, I guess you're okay with being a POS. Enjoy being a d*ck rag for the rest of your life.

Disgusting. Please never have kids for your man to molest.

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Leggo Your Ego

12/7/2018

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Offenders for the week ending December 7, 2018:

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#3 MADONNA

I think it's a well-established fact that you are, indeed, the Queen of Pop. You dominated for two decades and are still in the public eye-- but for more desperate reasons nowadays than for doing anything worthy. Can't you be pleased that you blazed a trail for other female artists after you? That's right. Your massive ego is just as potent as your crotch stank and has apparently squashed any rational thought.

Again, Madge is pissed at Lady Gaga-- accusing her of stealing a quote from her from the 80s. During interviews for "A Star is Born," Gaga said:

"There can be 100 people in a room and 99 of them don't believe in you, but all it takes is one who does and it just changes your whole life."

How dare she! Because 30 years ago, Madonna said:

"If there's 100 people in a room and 99 say they liked it, I only remember the one person who didn't."

Okay. But Gaga's quote spotlights the positive, while Madonna's the negative. Madonna must've been feeling neglected. Sure she's going to post some naked pics on the Insta to make herself feel better. Vurp. The comparisons between Madonna and Gaga naturally happened, like the comparisons between Mariah and Whitney when Mariah first came on the scene. It's called a reference point.

Nothing better than looking like an over-sensitive has-been...

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#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

Dear Santa... all I want for Christmas is this affront to females to STFU. Please. Apparently, she's related to Al Gore because she's crediting herself for inventing things she did not.

If you've ever done yoga, it's because she made it a "thing." WTH?

"I remember when I started doing yoga and people were like, 'What is yoga?' She's a witch. She's a freak.' Forgive me if this comes out wrong, but I went to do a yoga class in L.A. recently and the 22-year-old girl behind the counter was like, 'Have you ever done yoga before?' And I literally turned to my friend, and I was like, 'You have this job because I've done yoga before.'"

Wow! Well, I'll give ya the 'witch' part...

Gwynie reminds me of the South Park episode where all the pretentious people get high off of their own farts. Anywho, this poor 22-year-old has no idea who you are because you haven't done anything relevant since..... ? No wonder you and Madonna are scissor sisters.

Here's something I hope you invent: a yoga move in which you're able to stick your head up your own ass and disappear.

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#1 NATALIE PORTMAN

In a recent interview, Natalie took a shot at Jessica Simpson for her confusion about sexuality as a child.

?

Yup. Back in the late 90s, Jessica was the chick. Jessica was also proudly vocal about being a virgin. So Natalie was confused when she saw Jessica posing in a bikini for a magazine cover.

"I remember being a teenager, and there was Jessica Simpson on the cover of a magazine saying 'I'm a virgin,' while wearing a bikini, and I was confused. Like, I don't know what this is trying to tell me as a woman, as a girl."

How 'bout nothing? That virgins don't wear sacks and hide under their beds until it's time to embrace the wang. That virgins are people, too, and sometimes they have smokin' hot bodies!

Jessica clapped back:

"I was taught to be myself and honor the different ways all women express themselves, which is why I believed then-- and believe now-- that being sexy in a bikini and being proud of my body are not synonymous with having sex.. I have made it my practice to not shame women for their choices. In this era of Time's Up and all the great work you have done for women, I encourage you to do the same.'

Boom!

Another example of these "empowering" p*ssy hat women taking shots at other women. Grrrrr.

P.S. I hate your perfume commercials.

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Windbag Beneath Our Wings

11/30/2018

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Offenders for the week ending November 30, 2018:

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#3 JUSTIN BIEBER

Perhaps he can be a Buddha for millennials after dropping this gem of wisdom:

"Love isn't always easy."

Duh. The internets were all a quivering because Justin and his new wife, Hailey Baldwin, spent their first Thanksgiving together. And it also marked the first time their families got together in one place. OMG!

"Relationships are hard and love isn't always easy but thank you Jesus for showing me how! Every day is a learning process, trying to be more like him, patient, kind, selfless, boy I got a long way! But gods grace is sufficient!"

I'm hoping this spiritual/zen Beebs sticks. You can't be a hot mess you're whole life, right? You're welcome for the preventative slap.

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#2 VICKI GUNVALSON, Real Housewives of Orange County cast member

She likes to call herself the O.G. of the O.C. because she's been on the show for its duration. Awesome! But this aging attention-whore is expert at storytelling-- damaging storytelling. Her latest victim: fellow cast member Kelly Dodd. For whatever reason during the show's reunion episode, she decided to spill some tea-- claiming that Kelly does cocaine. That went over like a lead balloon. Kelly wants Vicki gone.

"If they don't so something to Vicki how could I go back... They are running that show to the ground and hurting people's reputation and my brand!!"

Vicki, who likes to flaunt her wealth, should watch her ass. Especially if Kelly sues for slander. Vicki has spread rumors in the past about other friends on the show: Tamra's husband is gay; Shannon was beaten by her ex-husband; so-and-so's marriage is miserable, etc...

Yes, stirring up the shizz makes for good reality TV, but if you're hurling up lies, then you're damaging someone's life. We're going to change your name to Icky Fullofshit.

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#1 BETTE MIDLER

This is why I hate the entertainment business, especially the "powerful" women in the business. They preach supporting women, and uplifting fellow ovarians, and helping females get ahead... blah, blah, blah. It's bullshit, quite honestly. Hollywood women only support other women if they have the same viewpoint. If you don't, then we're going to eviscerate you in the most brutal way. We're going to say the most vile things about you publicly, then turn around and talk about how we love women!

The Meddler hates our President. I understand many people loathe him. So it makes it acceptable to loathe his wife, the First Lady, and his family. You know, guilt by association. I love how the FLOTUS is denounced for being beautiful and for having a successful career as a model. Yes, she has done many a sexy photo shoot. If I had her looks and her body, you'd bet I'd capitalize on all that while I could. But Bette ain't having it. After tweeting a photo from 2000 of Melania Trump wearing a sexy bikini while posing in an airplane cockpit, she wrote:

"The dry cleaning bill for the upholstery on Air Force One must be insane."

With the hashtag: #FLOTITS

Her own fans called her out for her venom. I recall a time in Miss AssHat's career where she was known for shaking her LOW-TITS and flab ass. When Hollywood-types open their mouths, they show how stupid they really are. Which is why politicians love them-- because they'll spread any ol' pile of lies like a good soldier.

Bette, please, find some good hormone-balancing meds and get fitted for a mouth muffler. Thanks.

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Reality Ruffian

11/16/2018

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Offenders for the week ending November 16, 2018:

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#3 MEGHAN MARKLE

NOTE: This is a preventative slap-- so pay attention, duchess. You want none of the slap hand for realz.

Apparently, Meghan's personal assistant has quit-- abruptly-- after six months of service. A source said:

"It's a real shock... Melissa is a hugely talented person. She played a pivotal role in the success of the Royal Wedding and will be missed by everyone in the Royal Household."

Except Megs, apparently. According to the recently-released book about royals entitled "Hopes and Dreams," Prince Harry is whipped by Meghan, and caters to her alleged diva ways. There are also allegations that the Queen has warned Harry that Meghan needs to mind how she speaks to staff, and that she needs to follow family protocol.

I'm sure there are some growing pains. You can take the girl out of the USA, but you can't take the USA out of her... So, if this is even remotely true... Girl, check yo self. There are already enough pressures on you. Don't add to them. Be gracious and follow protocol. But behind closed doors with no one around, get your American on!

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#2 ARIANA GRANDE

NOTE: Another preventative slap...

Ariana isn't feeling lucky in love. Her ex, Mac Miller, died of a drug overdose. And she recently called-off her engagement to SNL "funnyman" Pete Davidson.

"The past couple of years have been incredibly difficult for Ariana and she rushed into the engagement with Pete. It wasn't an easy breakup and she doesn't want to date anyone for a while so she can focus on herself instead."

Cool. She did kick her out of her place and blocked his number. Love it. I agree with the "clearing your head" and growing, and finding yourself. Once you do, things will be different. But don't become that chick who hates men, cuts off her hair, wears Crocs and no makeup, and 24/7 flannel.

The Energizer Bunny can only go so long, and hook ups get boring. Take your time and find a real man. A man that looks like a man. Acts like a man. Has the ween of a man.

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#1 THOMAS RAVENEL, former cast member of the reality TV show Southern Charm

Speaking of weens...

NOTE: This is a real slap. For a real tool.

Props that he's come to the defense of his baby-momma, Kathryn Dennis, who was under public attack from his on-again-off-again baby-juice-dumpster Ashley something-or-other-last-name. They were caught up in a:

"screaming match of epic proportions."

I've never watched two people more perfect for each other, and totally toxic. Like, the epitome of toxic. Anywho, Thomas was upset that Ashley publicly has claimed that Kathryn's rehab stint was just to create a story line for the show, and that she's been seen all over Charleston getting crunk.

Okay, That's fine. But yelling in public and lookin' like a crotch stain isn't the way to conduct yourself.

Then, Raven-no took a public shot at Kathryn, accusing her of using their children as subject matter for the show. Sorry, dude, that you aren't on the show anymore. Stop trying to grab headlines.

You're a convicted felon. You've been accused multiple times of possessing rape-y tendencies. And you want to run your mouth-- still? Zip it-- and your pants.

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Not HA HA

11/9/2018

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Offenders for the week ending November 9, 2018:

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#3 KIM KARDASHIAN

When, oh when, are we going to learn that certain words are just not acceptable? Sure, back in my day we said so-and-so... but you can't say so-and-so today. Is it fair? Not necessarily. But that's just the way it is. And you jackal celebrities? This applies to you as well.

It's not acceptable to drop the "R word", Kimmie. You videotape yourself all. the. time. So, you'd think she'd think and not say something stupid. Wrong! I guess she got bent when no one could identify her Halloween outfit as that of Pamela Anderson. She got upset.

"Nobody knows who I am. Yeah! Retarded."

If only we didn't know. Hey! She's sorry!

"I want to apologize for what I said in a recent video post that is inappropriate and insensitive to the special needs community. I try to learn from my mistakes and this is one of those times. Please know that my intention is always pure, and in this case, it was a mistake. I'm sorry."

Oh, you're sorry all right. But you're still famous for absolutely nothing. Learn harder, K?

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#2 ALEC BALDWIN

Proving what a douchebag his truly is, Mr. Hot Head allegedly got into a physical altercation over a parking spot. Supposedly, the victim snaked into the spot that Azzhat was waiting for. So the best way to resolve the issue? Smack him upside the head. Of course, Baldwin denies the fight happened.

"I realize that it has become a sport to tag people w as many negative charges and defaming allegations as possible for the purposes of clickbait headline. Fortunately, no matter how reverberating the echos, it doesn't make the statements true.."

Look, dude. You're not known for your scintillating personality. In fact, aren't you and Sean Penn long-lost bros? I'm surprised he didn't blame Donald Trump for this fiasco.

Here's a thought... let it go. And go away. Makes life a lot better. For all of us.

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#1 PETE DAVIDSON

While it's known that I have a twisted sense of humor. I know where to draw the line. Making fun of any of our servicemen or servicewomen is never, ever funny. Ever.

During the latest edition of Saturday Night Live, Pete gave his first impressions of people running for office. Dan Crenshaw is a former Navy SEAL who lost his eye serving in Afghanistan in 2012. Lost his eye. Wears a patch. True to form, Mr. Funny F$ck gave his first impression:

"A hitman in a porno movie. Which I mean who cares, right? I'm sorry, I know he lost his eye in war, or whatever. Whatever."

Yup. Whatever. Just fighting in a war as a badass Navy SEAL. Fighting like you'd never have the sack to do. Because you're a little, weak, wussy, ha-ha man. Why don't you pick up a gun and go fight the enemy for a bigger truth and ideals. Can't? You're not man enough. Eat a bag, or two. You need it.

No wonder Ariana Grande dumped yo ass. Maybe your name should be Piece (of sh&t) Davidson.

By the way, Crenshaw won. Mic drop.

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No One's "Pal"

11/2/2018

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Offenders for the week ending November 2, 2018:

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#3 LANDON CLEMENTS, former cast member on Southern Charm

Bitch almost ruined dolphins for me-- because she sounds like one when she talks. And not in a cute "come swim with me" kind of way. More like, I-need-to-shove-hot-pokers-in-my-ears-to-stop-the-pain kind of way.

She's always looking for love and never finding it. She constantly bemoaned the failure of her first marriage. First, the blame was shared by both parties. And then, he was the rectum twister for being controlling and possessive, and blah, blah, blah-- whatever made for good "reality" TV.

If dude was such a douche, why would you publicly celebrate the 10th anniversary of your wedding? This gold-diggin' famewhore:

"My sister in law (ex) just reached out to wish me a happy what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. It is sort of bittersweet but if something is not working for you find the strength to walk away. Learn the lessons and try to keep a smile on your face."

And like Elsa: Let it go.... Let it gooooooooo!

Post something we'd actually care about-- like your permanent banishment from the female gender.

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#2 HAUNTED HOOCHIE (aka Dead Acres)

It's rare when a brand or non-person makes the list, but you'll soon understand. The Haunted Hoochie is not Kim Kardashian's crotch. It's a haunted house in Ohio that has stirred it up. For 28 years, the attraction has held "Swastika Saturday". If this weren't bad enough, we all know that last Saturday was the deadly shooting at a synagogue in Pittsburgh. Yet, the owners felt no need to pull the promotion. Because, you know, it's tradition. SMH.

Look, I'm not politically correct. But I do have common sense. And sensitivity. Unlike long-time patrons that defended the promotion. Because, again, it's tradition... and has nothing to do with hate. Do you know what a swastika symbolizes?

swas·ti·ka
/ˈswästəkə/
noun

an ancient symbol in the form of an equal-armed cross with each arm continued at a right angle, used (in clockwise form) as the emblem of the German Nazi Party.

A party of... hate.

Well, the owners are really sorry-- now. They will no longer support costumes or musical acts or anything that promotes hate. Dumb can't be defended. Sure would suck if some gang member-types showed up at your place...

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#1 GWYNETH PALTROW

Two weeks in a row, but you top this list this week. Why? Because you're irresponsible! Sure, you have "people" that are supposed to mind the manor, but you are the name and the face of the brand. So, you're ultimately the one who answers for everything.

You've come up with quite the list and items of things we need to do to our bodies, but now the time has come for you to just stop. Stop!

This time, she's recommending moms-to-be take her supplements called: The Mother Load. The supplements contain a high amount of vitamin A, according to critics. Too much vitamin A during pregnancy can lead to birth defects and liver toxicity. Well, phooey, say Goop's PR machine:

"When used as recommended, Goop's The Mother Load supplements are safe during pregnancy. The Mother Load contains a very moderate 450 mcg (1500 IU) of vitamin, which is less than the recommended daily intake of 600 mcg per day."

Aside: does this item have to be named "load"? Isn't that how a woman gets into the preggo predicament in the first place?

Anywho, the product isn't recommended by the NHS or the WHO. Oops.

You're no lifestyle expert, Gwen. So please, exit the planet.

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