Haus of V - Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

Leggo Your Ego

12/7/2018

Offenders for the week ending December 7, 2018:

#3 MADONNA

I think it's a well-established fact that you are, indeed, the Queen of Pop. You dominated for two decades and are still in the public eye-- but for more desperate reasons nowadays than for doing anything worthy. Can't you be pleased that you blazed a trail for other female artists after you? That's right. Your massive ego is just as potent as your crotch stank and has apparently squashed any rational thought.

Again, Madge is pissed at Lady Gaga-- accusing her of stealing a quote from her from the 80s. During interviews for "A Star is Born," Gaga said:

"There can be 100 people in a room and 99 of them don't believe in you, but all it takes is one who does and it just changes your whole life."

How dare she! Because 30 years ago, Madonna said:

"If there's 100 people in a room and 99 say they liked it, I only remember the one person who didn't."

Okay. But Gaga's quote spotlights the positive, while Madonna's the negative. Madonna must've been feeling neglected. Sure she's going to post some naked pics on the Insta to make herself feel better. Vurp. The comparisons between Madonna and Gaga naturally happened, like the comparisons between Mariah and Whitney when Mariah first came on the scene. It's called a reference point.

Nothing better than looking like an over-sensitive has-been...

#2 GWYNETH PALTROW

Dear Santa... all I want for Christmas is this affront to females to STFU. Please. Apparently, she's related to Al Gore because she's crediting herself for inventing things she did not.

If you've ever done yoga, it's because she made it a "thing." WTH?

"I remember when I started doing yoga and people were like, 'What is yoga?' She's a witch. She's a freak.' Forgive me if this comes out wrong, but I went to do a yoga class in L.A. recently and the 22-year-old girl behind the counter was like, 'Have you ever done yoga before?' And I literally turned to my friend, and I was like, 'You have this job because I've done yoga before.'"

Wow! Well, I'll give ya the 'witch' part...

Gwynie reminds me of the South Park episode where all the pretentious people get high off of their own farts. Anywho, this poor 22-year-old has no idea who you are because you haven't done anything relevant since..... ? No wonder you and Madonna are scissor sisters.

Here's something I hope you invent: a yoga move in which you're able to stick your head up your own ass and disappear.

#1 NATALIE PORTMAN

In a recent interview, Natalie took a shot at Jessica Simpson for her confusion about sexuality as a child.

?

Yup. Back in the late 90s, Jessica was the chick. Jessica was also proudly vocal about being a virgin. So Natalie was confused when she saw Jessica posing in a bikini for a magazine cover.

"I remember being a teenager, and there was Jessica Simpson on the cover of a magazine saying 'I'm a virgin,' while wearing a bikini, and I was confused. Like, I don't know what this is trying to tell me as a woman, as a girl."

How 'bout nothing? That virgins don't wear sacks and hide under their beds until it's time to embrace the wang. That virgins are people, too, and sometimes they have smokin' hot bodies!

Jessica clapped back:

"I was taught to be myself and honor the different ways all women express themselves, which is why I believed then-- and believe now-- that being sexy in a bikini and being proud of my body are not synonymous with having sex.. I have made it my practice to not shame women for their choices. In this era of Time's Up and all the great work you have done for women, I encourage you to do the same.'

Boom!

Another example of these "empowering" p*ssy hat women taking shots at other women. Grrrrr.

P.S. I hate your perfume commercials.

Windbag Beneath Our Wings

11/30/2018

Offenders for the week ending November 30, 2018:

#3 JUSTIN BIEBER

Perhaps he can be a Buddha for millennials after dropping this gem of wisdom:

"Love isn't always easy."

Duh. The internets were all a quivering because Justin and his new wife, Hailey Baldwin, spent their first Thanksgiving together. And it also marked the first time their families got together in one place. OMG!

"Relationships are hard and love isn't always easy but thank you Jesus for showing me how! Every day is a learning process, trying to be more like him, patient, kind, selfless, boy I got a long way! But gods grace is sufficient!"

I'm hoping this spiritual/zen Beebs sticks. You can't be a hot mess you're whole life, right? You're welcome for the preventative slap.

#2 VICKI GUNVALSON, Real Housewives of Orange County cast member

She likes to call herself the O.G. of the O.C. because she's been on the show for its duration. Awesome! But this aging attention-whore is expert at storytelling-- damaging storytelling. Her latest victim: fellow cast member Kelly Dodd. For whatever reason during the show's reunion episode, she decided to spill some tea-- claiming that Kelly does cocaine. That went over like a lead balloon. Kelly wants Vicki gone.

"If they don't so something to Vicki how could I go back... They are running that show to the ground and hurting people's reputation and my brand!!"

Vicki, who likes to flaunt her wealth, should watch her ass. Especially if Kelly sues for slander. Vicki has spread rumors in the past about other friends on the show: Tamra's husband is gay; Shannon was beaten by her ex-husband; so-and-so's marriage is miserable, etc...

Yes, stirring up the shizz makes for good reality TV, but if you're hurling up lies, then you're damaging someone's life. We're going to change your name to Icky Fullofshit.

#1 BETTE MIDLER

This is why I hate the entertainment business, especially the "powerful" women in the business. They preach supporting women, and uplifting fellow ovarians, and helping females get ahead... blah, blah, blah. It's bullshit, quite honestly. Hollywood women only support other women if they have the same viewpoint. If you don't, then we're going to eviscerate you in the most brutal way. We're going to say the most vile things about you publicly, then turn around and talk about how we love women!

The Meddler hates our President. I understand many people loathe him. So it makes it acceptable to loathe his wife, the First Lady, and his family. You know, guilt by association. I love how the FLOTUS is denounced for being beautiful and for having a successful career as a model. Yes, she has done many a sexy photo shoot. If I had her looks and her body, you'd bet I'd capitalize on all that while I could. But Bette ain't having it. After tweeting a photo from 2000 of Melania Trump wearing a sexy bikini while posing in an airplane cockpit, she wrote:

"The dry cleaning bill for the upholstery on Air Force One must be insane."

With the hashtag: #FLOTITS

Her own fans called her out for her venom. I recall a time in Miss AssHat's career where she was known for shaking her LOW-TITS and flab ass. When Hollywood-types open their mouths, they show how stupid they really are. Which is why politicians love them-- because they'll spread any ol' pile of lies like a good soldier.

Bette, please, find some good hormone-balancing meds and get fitted for a mouth muffler. Thanks.

Reality Ruffian

11/16/2018

Offenders for the week ending November 16, 2018:

#3 MEGHAN MARKLE

NOTE: This is a preventative slap-- so pay attention, duchess. You want none of the slap hand for realz.

Apparently, Meghan's personal assistant has quit-- abruptly-- after six months of service. A source said:

"It's a real shock... Melissa is a hugely talented person. She played a pivotal role in the success of the Royal Wedding and will be missed by everyone in the Royal Household."

Except Megs, apparently. According to the recently-released book about royals entitled "Hopes and Dreams," Prince Harry is whipped by Meghan, and caters to her alleged diva ways. There are also allegations that the Queen has warned Harry that Meghan needs to mind how she speaks to staff, and that she needs to follow family protocol.

I'm sure there are some growing pains. You can take the girl out of the USA, but you can't take the USA out of her... So, if this is even remotely true... Girl, check yo self. There are already enough pressures on you. Don't add to them. Be gracious and follow protocol. But behind closed doors with no one around, get your American on!

#2 ARIANA GRANDE

NOTE: Another preventative slap...

Ariana isn't feeling lucky in love. Her ex, Mac Miller, died of a drug overdose. And she recently called-off her engagement to SNL "funnyman" Pete Davidson.

"The past couple of years have been incredibly difficult for Ariana and she rushed into the engagement with Pete. It wasn't an easy breakup and she doesn't want to date anyone for a while so she can focus on herself instead."

Cool. She did kick her out of her place and blocked his number. Love it. I agree with the "clearing your head" and growing, and finding yourself. Once you do, things will be different. But don't become that chick who hates men, cuts off her hair, wears Crocs and no makeup, and 24/7 flannel.

The Energizer Bunny can only go so long, and hook ups get boring. Take your time and find a real man. A man that looks like a man. Acts like a man. Has the ween of a man.

#1 THOMAS RAVENEL, former cast member of the reality TV show Southern Charm

Speaking of weens...

NOTE: This is a real slap. For a real tool.

Props that he's come to the defense of his baby-momma, Kathryn Dennis, who was under public attack from his on-again-off-again baby-juice-dumpster Ashley something-or-other-last-name. They were caught up in a:

"screaming match of epic proportions."

I've never watched two people more perfect for each other, and totally toxic. Like, the epitome of toxic. Anywho, Thomas was upset that Ashley publicly has claimed that Kathryn's rehab stint was just to create a story line for the show, and that she's been seen all over Charleston getting crunk.

Okay, That's fine. But yelling in public and lookin' like a crotch stain isn't the way to conduct yourself.

Then, Raven-no took a public shot at Kathryn, accusing her of using their children as subject matter for the show. Sorry, dude, that you aren't on the show anymore. Stop trying to grab headlines.

You're a convicted felon. You've been accused multiple times of possessing rape-y tendencies. And you want to run your mouth-- still? Zip it-- and your pants.

Not HA HA

11/9/2018

Offenders for the week ending November 9, 2018:

#3 KIM KARDASHIAN

When, oh when, are we going to learn that certain words are just not acceptable? Sure, back in my day we said so-and-so... but you can't say so-and-so today. Is it fair? Not necessarily. But that's just the way it is. And you jackal celebrities? This applies to you as well.

It's not acceptable to drop the "R word", Kimmie. You videotape yourself all. the. time. So, you'd think she'd think and not say something stupid. Wrong! I guess she got bent when no one could identify her Halloween outfit as that of Pamela Anderson. She got upset.

"Nobody knows who I am. Yeah! Retarded."

If only we didn't know. Hey! She's sorry!

"I want to apologize for what I said in a recent video post that is inappropriate and insensitive to the special needs community. I try to learn from my mistakes and this is one of those times. Please know that my intention is always pure, and in this case, it was a mistake. I'm sorry."

Oh, you're sorry all right. But you're still famous for absolutely nothing. Learn harder, K?

#2 ALEC BALDWIN

Proving what a douchebag his truly is, Mr. Hot Head allegedly got into a physical altercation over a parking spot. Supposedly, the victim snaked into the spot that Azzhat was waiting for. So the best way to resolve the issue? Smack him upside the head. Of course, Baldwin denies the fight happened.

"I realize that it has become a sport to tag people w as many negative charges and defaming allegations as possible for the purposes of clickbait headline. Fortunately, no matter how reverberating the echos, it doesn't make the statements true.."

Look, dude. You're not known for your scintillating personality. In fact, aren't you and Sean Penn long-lost bros? I'm surprised he didn't blame Donald Trump for this fiasco.

Here's a thought... let it go. And go away. Makes life a lot better. For all of us.

#1 PETE DAVIDSON

While it's known that I have a twisted sense of humor. I know where to draw the line. Making fun of any of our servicemen or servicewomen is never, ever funny. Ever.

During the latest edition of Saturday Night Live, Pete gave his first impressions of people running for office. Dan Crenshaw is a former Navy SEAL who lost his eye serving in Afghanistan in 2012. Lost his eye. Wears a patch. True to form, Mr. Funny F$ck gave his first impression:

"A hitman in a porno movie. Which I mean who cares, right? I'm sorry, I know he lost his eye in war, or whatever. Whatever."

Yup. Whatever. Just fighting in a war as a badass Navy SEAL. Fighting like you'd never have the sack to do. Because you're a little, weak, wussy, ha-ha man. Why don't you pick up a gun and go fight the enemy for a bigger truth and ideals. Can't? You're not man enough. Eat a bag, or two. You need it.

No wonder Ariana Grande dumped yo ass. Maybe your name should be Piece (of sh&t) Davidson.

By the way, Crenshaw won. Mic drop.

No One's "Pal"

11/2/2018

Offenders for the week ending November 2, 2018:

#3 LANDON CLEMENTS, former cast member on Southern Charm

Bitch almost ruined dolphins for me-- because she sounds like one when she talks. And not in a cute "come swim with me" kind of way. More like, I-need-to-shove-hot-pokers-in-my-ears-to-stop-the-pain kind of way.

She's always looking for love and never finding it. She constantly bemoaned the failure of her first marriage. First, the blame was shared by both parties. And then, he was the rectum twister for being controlling and possessive, and blah, blah, blah-- whatever made for good "reality" TV.

If dude was such a douche, why would you publicly celebrate the 10th anniversary of your wedding? This gold-diggin' famewhore:

"My sister in law (ex) just reached out to wish me a happy what would have been my 10th wedding anniversary. It is sort of bittersweet but if something is not working for you find the strength to walk away. Learn the lessons and try to keep a smile on your face."

And like Elsa: Let it go.... Let it gooooooooo!

Post something we'd actually care about-- like your permanent banishment from the female gender.

#2 HAUNTED HOOCHIE (aka Dead Acres)

It's rare when a brand or non-person makes the list, but you'll soon understand. The Haunted Hoochie is not Kim Kardashian's crotch. It's a haunted house in Ohio that has stirred it up. For 28 years, the attraction has held "Swastika Saturday". If this weren't bad enough, we all know that last Saturday was the deadly shooting at a synagogue in Pittsburgh. Yet, the owners felt no need to pull the promotion. Because, you know, it's tradition. SMH.

Look, I'm not politically correct. But I do have common sense. And sensitivity. Unlike long-time patrons that defended the promotion. Because, again, it's tradition... and has nothing to do with hate. Do you know what a swastika symbolizes?

swas·ti·ka
/ˈswästəkə/
noun

an ancient symbol in the form of an equal-armed cross with each arm continued at a right angle, used (in clockwise form) as the emblem of the German Nazi Party.

A party of... hate.

Well, the owners are really sorry-- now. They will no longer support costumes or musical acts or anything that promotes hate. Dumb can't be defended. Sure would suck if some gang member-types showed up at your place...

#1 GWYNETH PALTROW

Two weeks in a row, but you top this list this week. Why? Because you're irresponsible! Sure, you have "people" that are supposed to mind the manor, but you are the name and the face of the brand. So, you're ultimately the one who answers for everything.

You've come up with quite the list and items of things we need to do to our bodies, but now the time has come for you to just stop. Stop!

This time, she's recommending moms-to-be take her supplements called: The Mother Load. The supplements contain a high amount of vitamin A, according to critics. Too much vitamin A during pregnancy can lead to birth defects and liver toxicity. Well, phooey, say Goop's PR machine:

"When used as recommended, Goop's The Mother Load supplements are safe during pregnancy. The Mother Load contains a very moderate 450 mcg (1500 IU) of vitamin, which is less than the recommended daily intake of 600 mcg per day."

Aside: does this item have to be named "load"? Isn't that how a woman gets into the preggo predicament in the first place?

Anywho, the product isn't recommended by the NHS or the WHO. Oops.

You're no lifestyle expert, Gwen. So please, exit the planet.

F&ck Face

10/26/2018

Offenders for the week ending October 26, 2018:

#3 GWYNETH PALTROW

Gwynie is all kinds of mad at Julia Roberts because her buddy remains friends with her ex-husband, Chris Martin. What!?!? I thought since the two of you "consciously uncoupled" that everything was coolio between you two. Guess not.

"Julia was at Gwyneth's engagement party but missed her wedding and then showed up at the party Chris and Dakota (Johnson, his girlfriend) were throwing instead... it's been difficult for their mutual pals to stay friends with them both."

Are you mentally stuck in grade school? You're supposed to be this evolved, all-knowing entity, spewing all your wisdom on your Goop website. Blah, blah, blah. Time to stomp your feet; throw yourself on the floor; flail your arms and kick your legs and crrrrryyyyyy.

"Gwyneth isn't Dakota's biggest fan and Brad (Falchuk, Gwyn's new hubby) didn't want Chris at their wedding celebrations, so Gwyneth isn't happy to see Julia hanging out with her ex."

Maybe Julia came to her senses and realized what a tit donkey you really are...

Oh, and get over the Dakota thing. Yes, she's younger than you. It's what men do. My ex married a chick 13 years his junior. I'm happy for him. Cuz now she can wipe his old ass instead of me.

#winning

#2 KHLOE KARDASHIAN

Kryptic Khloe is posting more relationship quotes on the social medias.

"Free yourself from negative people. Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you."

There's more...

"Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU-- and being YOU is the only way to truly live."

And she wants to move to the CLE during the NBA season so her baby daddy Tristan can spend time with her and their daughter. Sigh. Stop with the passive-aggressive shizz and just get aggressive on Tristan. He deserves it. Kick him and his wandering wangthang out on his bum!

Here's something I wrote for you:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Kick him in the head
Or ya gonna get screwed... again

#1 MEGYN KELLY

Why is she even still on TV? Well, she was a no-show for her show the other day, after she stepped in it... again. Where ya balls at now? Full retreat mode, is it? Maybe this will finally put an end to our misery, and her ratings-zapper of a show. Her latest guffaw? Not understanding why blackface is racist.

She said that when she was a child, it was okay to dress in blackface and "white face" for Halloween:

"... you were dressing like a character."

While that may be true, it's no longer something you can do without stirring the pot. There are many things we said and did as young folk that you just can't say and do now. Plus, she used Real Housewives of New York cast member Luann de Lesseps as an example of how it's cool. This past season, Luann dressed as Diana Ross-- in blackface.

"The iconic Diana Ross came up as an example. To me, I thought, why would it be controversial for someone dressing up as Diana Ross to make herself look like this amazing woman as a way of honoring and respecting her.?"

Ima have to call b.s on this rationale. And please-- enough with the ass-kissing. Diana gives zero effs about you, Meghole.

In a letter of apology to her colleagues and staff members, she said she's really sorry and didn't realize how un-p.c. blackface is because she herself is not politically correct.

Guess what, wenchbag? I'm not p.c. either, but I have the sense to not act a fool. You're a highly, overly-paid journalist, no? Do some research and get back to us.

#goaway

*update Meg is out at NBC. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus...

Just Shut Up

10/19/2018

Offenders for the week ending October 19, 2018:

#3 ARIANA GRANDE

Why oh why do people insist on tattooing the name of their sig other on their bodies?!?! There's a 99% chance the relationship will end if you do that, yet.... Now that the mistake has been made, and now that she's broken off her engagement to Pete Davidson, Ariana has covered her ring finger tat with a Band-Aid. And, she removed her $100,000 engagement ring.

The two called it quits four months after getting engaged.

"They realized it happened too quick and too early. The wedding is off, but they're working things out. They're not officially done yet."

Whew! I was losing sleep over it... NOT.

What have we learned here, Ariana? Stop with getting the tats of your muffin muncher.

#2 KENYA MOORE, former Real Housewives of Atlanta castmember

The stones on this one. And the lack of proper etiquette. She recently posted on Instagram about her upcoming baby shower, and how she expects gifts from all her friends-- even if they don't attend the festivities. And on top of that, people have been less-than-prompt in RSVP-ing-- which has caused this Mistress of Shade-Throwing to blow her stack:

"RSVP literally means RESPOND PLEASE in French so if you get an invitation respond with a yes or no if you will be attending."

Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones; or maybe because she's just a bitch. I'm thinking the latter. She continued:

"#Etiquette101 if you cannot attend a monumental life changing event in a friend's life, it's nice to send a gift anyway. (Weddings, graduations, baby showers) Or it's about class? It's NOT about a dollar amount it's to show you care the same way the person cared to invite you to share a moment in their life."

I thought an invitation to a life-changing event was to celebrate in that moment and show support, not show up with a gift. Technically, the gift is a nice additional gesture. Which is why it used to be proper form to not share on an invite where the person is registered.

Perhaps her friends can bring her truckloads of class? That would be smashing.

#1 KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Last week, she blasted Duchess Kate. This week, she hates Disney princesses. Maybe she thinks she's better than us because she's British. Let me tell ya, you're not. While on the Ellen show, she shared that she doesn't allow her 3-year-old daughter to watch "Cinderella" and "The Little Mermaid" because of their horrific messages.

"(The woman) waits around for a rich guy to rescue her. Don't. Rescue yourself, obviously."

She's conflicted over "The Little Mermaid" because she loves it, but hates the message:

"The songs are great, but do not give your voice up for a man! Hello?"

I'm sorry, but is parenting no longer en vogue? You know, actually talking to, instructing, sharing with your child things about life. I loved "Snow White" as a child, but I really didn't think a prince would come and save me-- ever. Why? Because my parents raised me to be an independent person. What a concept! And, I knew the difference between reality and a cartoon. Not difficult, really.

So, continue to shelter your child instead of guide. Either she's gonna end up sucking your teet for life or she will, indeed, just marry for money.

Kudos to you, Miss Keira for topping the list two weeks in a row. I'll send ya a steamy bag of richards as a reward.

Queen Bee...yotch

10/12/2018

Offenders for the week ending October 12, 2018:

#3 MIKE "THE SITUATION" SORRENTINO

I've never understood how celebrities, or pseudo-celebrities in this case, forget to pay taxes. Even if you have an accountant, it's still your responsibility to know your business. Mr. Sitch is going to prison for eight months for tax evasion. Fellow Jersey Shore castmate "Snooki" said:

"He's such a good person. He changed for the better. He's a totally different person. He doesn't deserve this right now, but obviously you gotta get that done."

Yes. Get it done. Pay your damned taxes! Sorrentino and his bro were indicted four years ago. Brother Marc is going away for two years.

For future reference: Get your shizzuation together, fool.

#2 LACROIX

It's rare when a brand or non-person makes the list, but this is fitting. We hate liars. And you done lied to all of us! The brand is facing a class action lawsuit for false claims of being "100% natural.' Allegedly, the better-for-you beverage contains several artificial ingredients, and some are really bad. Limonene is known to cause kidney toxicity and tumors, and linalool propionate is a substance found in many flowers and spice plants and is used in cockroach insecticides. Eeeek! Well, La Crotch says this is all a cup of b.s.

"The lawsuit provides no support for its false statements about LaCroix's ingredients. Natural flavors in LaCroix are derived from the natural essence oils from the named fruit used in each of the flavors... there are no sugars or artificial ingredients contained in, nor added to, those extracted flavors."

That may be true, but methinks you're gonna lose the lawsuit. I didn't know linalool propionate is a flavor...

Never been a fan anyways. LaCroix is La Crap.

#1 KEIRA KNIGHTLEY

Who in the actual f$ck are you, Keira? I know you're an actress, and apparently the voice of all females. Personally, I'm tired of all this male vs. female bullsh&t. I'm for people. People behaving properly. People excelling. People being good to one another. Not everything in this world is a man trying to oppress a woman. Stop with the discrimination against men. Because that's what all this "narrative" is becoming.

Ms. Keira called out Duchess Kate's public appearances, which happened just hours after giving birth to her three children. Keira ranted in an op-ed piece:

"We stand and watch the TV screen. (Kate) was out of hospital seven hours later with her face made up and high heels on. The face the world wants to see... Hide. Hide our pain, our bodies splitting, our breasts leaking, our hormones raging. Look beautiful. Look stylish, don't show your battleground, Kate. Seven hours after your fight with life and death, seven hours after your body breaks open, and bloody, screaming life comes out. Don't show. Don't tell. Stand there with your girl and be shot by a pack of male photographers."

Sure. There'd be no way in hell I'd make a public appearance hours after pushing a kid out. But I'm not a duchess. I don't know, nor fully comprehend the royal life or royal responsibilities. And last I checked, the monarch in charge is a WOMAN. So maybe your beef is that women shouldn't push women into perpetuating an ideal idea?

And... with this whole women-supporting-women thing... why do women continue to shred other women?

Yes, I'm a woman, calling you out. But again, I'm a person-ist. Not a feminist. I'm for people. Stupidity is not gender-blind.

Take some time to zip your lip and use that brain of yours. Silently.

Three Hoe-migos

10/5/2018

Offenders for the week ending October 5, 2018:

#3 DANIELLE STAUB

The Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member is no longer a housewife, and she blames the booze for her unfortunate nuptials. But not her boozing. His.

"It's funny how I saw certain things happening, but you just believe, especially with the perception around us, getting engaged would make it better... getting married would make it better."

Who actually believes that? I mean, seriously. Let's get legally tied to one another, because that'll make me get my shizzola together. NOT! Staub got a temporary restraining order against her hubs when she found him standing in the garage, allegedly drunk, agitated and ready to rumble. He claims she threatened to stab him in the neck multiple times over the past year.

Methinks alcohol was involved in the dating, the wedding proposal, and the stumble down the aisle... so what's the surprise here. Plus, Dani is not known to be the most mentally stable.

Please. Stop marrying. It is you.

#2 CARDI B

I guess the "B" could stand for "brawler." It's bad enough she made the list a few weeks ago for throwing a shoe at Nicki Minaj at New York Fashion Week. Now, she's been charged with assault and reckless endangerment for the attack at a strip club in Queens. Two 20-something women were attacked

"with chairs, bottles and other items."

Damn! Apparently, Cardi thought one of the two women had "relations" with her husband. So, she ordered the attack. Ah, she thinks she's the brokedown mob. Or, she's auditioning for a Lifetime TV movie.

Again, you're a mother. Stop acting like an idiot! Just proves that money can't buy class. Perhaps you should've ordered a lock for your man's pants.

#1 LINDSAY LOHAN

This crazy train is off the rails again! Her family's worried about LiLo after she posted a bizarre video in which she accuses some random woman of human trafficking, then tried to snag her kids! WTH?!?! On the video (which has since been removed) she follows the family, then says:

"I just want to show you a family that I met that's a Syrian refugee family that I'm really worried about."

And then she got punched in the face. Ouchie.

Though she was sober sometime before (I don't know what year that was), she's apparently not now!

"The strict drinking rules in Dubai where she has been living have provided a nice cover for her as well as the fact that paparazzi aren't allowed there, so there is less of a chance of her getting caught."

And she owns a night club in Mykonos, because alcoholics should own night clubs. Where they serve alcohol. And other illegal substances might be floating about.

Girl, you are 32 going on one-foot-in-the-grave. Wake up and stop being a f*ck up!

Tricky Dickies

9/28/2018

Offenders for the week ending September 28, 2018:

#3 TRISTAN THOMPSON

This dude cannot quit the pink taco! Earlier this year, T.T. was caught in a cheating scandal. And now, guess what? He was spotted leaving a Hollywood club with two brunettes. Double dribble! Well, there's no evidence that he engaged in any no-no place activities. But... he does behave in a suspicious manner.

Things have been going groovy for Khloe Kardashian and Tristan. They moved to California for the summer so her family could spend time with their baby, Tru. The Kardashians forgave Tristan's wander wang ways, and everything was peaches and cream. (And perhaps he's getting some peaches and cream for dessert.)

Or... the reason he left the club with the two brunettes is because he's an Uber driver on the side... Or, he wants to ensure more CAVS victories. He plays better when he plays around.

#GivinRides

#2 KANYE WEST

Kanye should go work at Wendy's, cuz he's beefin' again. This time with Drake, Nick Cannon, and Tyson Beckford. Damn! That's a triple combo meal with cheese! Mr. West had these words:

"I just want to express some tings that are not sitting right with my spirit. Now that I'm out of the sunken place, I think and just be Ye and express how I feel. There's a couple of things I want to address. First of all I want to address Nick Cannon, like, I understand that you used to date my wife, but you know, you're (giving) an interview, don't mention my wife. Don't be making no suggestions, like nobody f&cked my wife."

What? I dozed off. See, Nick said that Drake "smashed" Kim Kardashian.

Would this really be shocking? And who cares. Many a train has spilled its cargo rollin' through that tunnel.

He's mad at Tyson for saying his boo is a homophobe, and is mad at Drake for something involving his maybe-secret love child.

Did you get all that? But Kanye is an optimist:

"... all three of you all, come talk to me. Holla at me. We will work it out and come to a resolution..."

Uhm. I don't think they give a rat's Yeezy about this mess.

#ZipYoLip

#1 BILL COSBY

In case you missed it, Mr. Roofie Rapist was sentenced to three to 10 years in prison for drugging and raping Andrea Constand. Poor convict allegedly went ballistic at his home during his sentencing phase. Basically, he was upset that his lawyers didn't do a better job defending him. So, he tried to slam his cane on his kitchen counter, missed, and almost went through the window instead.

"He had a drink of iced tea and then tried swinging it again."

BWAAA HAAAA HAAAA!

Reports indicate that Kung Fu F&ckface swings his cane often at stuff and noises because he can't see. Guess he'll have to get good with a broom handle in prison. Speaking of, Billy had a rough first day behind bars. Someone threw a stale hotdog bun at him, and he fell down a flight of steps because he's not allowed to have his cane. He told his complicit wife, Camille to:

"...grab the checkbook and hire anyone and everyone" to get him out of prison.

I can only imagine how difficult his shower situation will be. Finally, after all these years and all those victims... Some justice. This is the legacy you now leave behind, ball fuzz.

#PuddinPopInThePooper