Writer Kathy Vogel Addresses Celebrity Bad Behavior

What a Dick

5/20/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending May 20th, 2022:

#3 JASON MOMOA

The actor is in Italy to film Fast X (Isn't that a medication? Oh, wait. That's Gas X) so a stop at the Sistine Chapel is a must-do. He had his picture taken inside, which is a no-no. Because flash photography can be harmful to the ancient artwork. Well, Jason apologized after people were outraged. Jason made a donation and was allowed to take a pic for the socials inside. But still, he said:

“I just also wanted to say, if you ever felt that I disrespected your culture, it wasn’t my intention."

The best part about his apology video? He was shirtless. So, all is forgiven. But, you did kind of did not transgress. Therefore, you're in need of a spanking. I mean, a slap... on the backside.

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#2 JAY CUTLER

This dude is the hot mess express for real. Not only was a he a complete douchenozzle to his ex-wife, Kristin Cavallari, his proving that he's a supreme POS. Cuz he's slingin' his ween in places it shouldn't be connecting-- like in his buddy's wife.

Dude was caught hooking up with the wifey while they were all on a family vacation together. A source says:

“Jay went on vacation with his kids and his friend and his wife and their kids. The husband and Jay are good friends and also neighbors. Their kids are all friends. While they were on the trip, Jay was hooking up with his wife.”

And to make matters worse, Jay and not-his-wife have been smashin' for a while.

Seems the only pass he can complete nowadays are ones to the neighbor's yard. Gross.

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#1 ANDY DICK

This dude is his last name manifested. A completely sad dick. He's awaiting his day in court sometime today, after police surrounded his trailer and hauled him away in cuffs. He's wanted for suspicion of felony sexual battery after an adult male at O'Neill Regional Park in Orange County, CA, claimed he was sexually assaulted by Dick.

The arrest was live-streamed on Captain Content.

This isn't his first encounter with the authorities. And not his first time on the Slap list. Dude had achieved what so many dream of, then threw it all away with his drugging and bullsh*t, and now he lives in a trailer park when he's not taking up space in the clink.

The only way in which we want you to act like a dick, is to beat it-- as in: GTF out of this planet.

Not Wonderful

5/13/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending May 13th, 2022:

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#3, #2, #1 FRED SAVAGE

What the af, Kevin Arnold? Fred's been booted as the executive producer and director of The Wonder Years reboot after an investigation into allegations of "inappropriate conduct" was launched. This is how it went down:

"Recently, we were made aware of allegations of inappropriate conduct by Fred Savage, and as is policy, an investigation was launched. Upon its completion, the decision was made to terminate his employment as an executive producer and director of The Wonder Years."

Well, this one stuck. Because after prior "internal investigations" after allegations in 2018 and 2019, there wasn't "cause." Perhaps somebody made it all go away. Oh, yeah. There was that one settlement back in 2019 when Fred harmed a costumer on the set of "The Grinder".

Attorney Anahita Seda, who represented said costumer, isn't surprised:

“This was a long time coming and I am not the least bit surprised. When my client came to me in 2018 with her allegations against Mr. Savage, we discovered that there was at least one lawsuit that had been filed against him in the past and that Mr. Savage had allegedly engaged in this type of behavior not just towards my client but other women as well. It is unfortunate that it took my client speaking out and now reportedly these others before action was finally taken.”

Oh, wait. There was a second settlement in 1993. Monique Long said she couldn't do her job and was fired because Savage asked to hold her hand, asked her if she wanted to have an affair with him, and other gross shizz.

You know what? It's just as easy to be a stand-up person as it is to be a POS. And by "stand up" I don't mean making your ween stand up so you can harass women.

Winnie Cooper would be ashamed of you.

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Fixer

5/6/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending May 6th, 2022:

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#3 DAN AKYROYD AND DONNA DIXON

I'm always amazed when couples-- especially Hollywood ones-- endure. But this one is no longer happily-ever-after. They're going to remain legally married, but live life separately.

“After 39 years as a couple we are now on separate life paths. We remain legally married, co-parents, co-workers, and business partners. This is our choice in loving friendship.”

I've got some questions: Very mature. But... who gets the house? And what about the money? Surely those things need worked out, don't they? Does this mean you'll live together, but as roommates?

The two met in 1983 while filming Doctor Detroit, and have three grown daughters together.

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#2 BILL GATES

Billy has admitted in an interview to having a wandering willy, kind of. He told the "Today" show that he "caused pain" to his ex, Melinda. But did he cheat?

“I certainly made mistakes, and I take responsibility. I don’t think delving into the particulars at this point is constructive, but yes, I caused pain, and I feel terrible about that."

Let us read between the sheets. Ding, ding, ding! Yes. You cheated.

Gates has been known historically as a manho-- even before his money.

Gross. How can a man who started a company with the name "soft" in it have anything hard? Except his wallet. Which must be the attraction?

Maybe his philanthropy is more like feelanthrophy.

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#1 JUSTIN BIEBER

This just in: getting married doesn't magically make you a better person. Because that's what Justin thought would happen when he married Hailey Baldwin.

“It’s a journey. I remember when I first got married, I hit a little bit of an emotional breakdown because I thought marriage was going to fix all my problems and it didn’t."

Duh!

And if you're thinking about having a baby because it will bring you closer if your marriage is rocky-- no.

Just take each day at a time. Be good to each other. And don't be a toolbag. Try really hard.

Vamping Vampires

4/29/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending April 28th, 2022:

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#3 WILL SMITH

Now that the buzz has died down from the slap-heard-'round-social-media, Mr. Jada Pinkett is holed-up in India. The reason? Spiritual purposes. Because as he put it:

"Change takes time, and I am committed to doing the work to ensure that I never again allow violence to overtake reason.”

Then free yourself from that scary pink pouch of yours. You'd be instantly zen away from her 100%. Also, No amount of zen and incense will flush the douche away. Sorry.

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#2 BILL MURRAY

We all know this dude is eccentric. But pervy, too? That "inappropriate behavior" that he was accused of on the set of "Being Mortal"? Getting too touchy-feely with a female on the production. A source says:

“He was very hands-on touchy, not in any personal areas, but put an arm around a woman, touched her hair, pulled her ponytail — but always in a comedic way. It is a fine line and everybody loves Bill, but while his conduct is not illegal, some women felt uncomfortable and he crossed a line.”

Another source dropped this:

“(Bill) Loves women and loves to flirt, he enjoys poetry and romance, he’s always flirting, but it is always couched in comedy. It isn’t clear if he crossed a line.”

But the plot thickens. Guess he's a little anger-management-y at times? According to Ben Dreyfuss, son of actor Richard, who was a bodyguard on the set of "What About Bob?" says Mr. Bill got mad when producer Laura Ziskin wouldn't give him a day off, so he allegedly ripped her glasses right off her face. And when Richard complained about it, Bill allegedly threw an ashtray at Richard.

Perhaps his intentions were "Lost in Translation"... I'll slap myself for that one...

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#1 MGK and MEGAN FOX

Megan's confirmed that she and Machine Gun Kelly drink each other's blood-- for ritual purposes.

“It’s just a few drops, but yes, we do consume each other’s blood on occasion.”

And it's a "controlled" situation. Whew! I was worried! Not.

Maybe more non-celebrities do this than I know of? But it seems like a celebrity thing, like: "We're so artistic and creative and evolved that we must do stupid sh*t like drink blood because it increases our power in the Universe" or something like that. A non-celeb drinking blood would be considered a psycho or serial killer...

I wonder if they sit around and then talk about how each other's blood tastes. You know: "This 80s vintage is quite good. Oh, yes. I detect a hint of Herps with notes of Jagermeister and Xanax."

Second Chance

4/22/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending April 22nd, 2022:

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#3 EZRA MILLER

Why so angry? The actor can't socialize like a human without allegedly assaulting someone. First, he was asked to leave a karaoke bar in Hilo, Hawaii. Now, he's charged with second degree assault after a disturbance at a get-together at a private residence in Pahoa. Police said he became irate and threw a chair when asked to leave. The chair hit some woman in the head, leaving her with a half-inch-deep cut. Hope she sues him.

Perhaps someone should hit this dude with some vinegar and water...

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#2 AL PACINO

Kudos to Al for having swagger. The 81-year-old is baggin' the young babes. Like, granddaughter-aged babes. Like, not-too-far-removed from-teen-years babes. But I think this slap is more like: smack, smack-- don't OD on Viagra!

Noor Alfallah likes herself some Early Bird Specials and Matlock reruns. The 28-year-old previously spent time with Mick Jagger. There was only a 51-year age gap there. She was rumored to be dating Clint Eastwood when she was 25 and he was 91, but she denied it. Cuz apparently that's when a crane is needed to get that fossil up for business.

Al's little friend may be nearly invisible by now. Perhaps they enjoy good conversation...

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#1 BEN AFFLECK

Again, this is more of a pre-emptive slap. You've been given a second chance at love with Jennifer Lopez. You two are happily engaged again. Don't f&ck this up! She dumped your ass a bajillion years ago because you wouldn't stop drinking and gambling. So make sure you don't fall off the wagon. JLo is too fine to let her get away again. Remember, this is what she said about your proposal:

“I was smiling so big and tears were coming down my face, feeling so incredibly happy and whole. It was nothing fancy at all, but it was the most romantic thing I could’ve ever imagined. Just a quiet Saturday night at home, two people promising to always be there for each other. Two very lucky people. Who got a second chance at true love. He hands me a ring and he says it’s a green diamond. [Green is] my favorite color, it’s also my lucky color. Obviously it’ll be my lucky color forever now. It means so much when somebody thinks about you and loves you and sees you. And it was just the most perfect moment. It’s not often you get a second chance at true love.”

Again, don't be a ween.

Clown of Sunset

4/8/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending April 8th, 2022:

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#3 MIKE SHOUHED, Cast Member/Shahs of Sunset

Anyone who's ever watch this reality TV show won't be surprised that he's been busted for domestic violence. This dude is a ball of rage, has antiquated viewpoints on gender roles, is a serial cheater, and is always "working on himself."

Please. You're just the typical Mr. Massengil. He's accused of committing "intimate partner violence with injury." He's engaged to Paulina Ben-Cohen, but it hasn't been confirmed if she's the victim. Methinks, yes, since we've seen on TV how he treats her.

Dude's deleted his IG, but not before he posted this:

"Your life is your responsibility. Your success is your responsibility. Your failure is your responsibility. Your reaction is your responsibility. Your behavior is your responsibility."

Thanks, Brokedown Budhha. STFU.

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#2 HOPE SOLO

The former soccer champ can't keep trouble out of her net. She got busted last week after she was found passed out behind the wheel of her car with her two-year-old twins in their car seats. Her rep had this to say:

"On the advice of counsel, Hope can't speak about this situation, but she wants everyone to know that her kids are her life, that she was released immediately and is now at home with her family, that the story is more sympathetic than the initial charges suggest, and that she looks forward to her opportunity to defend these charges."

Sympathetic? Whatever your sob story is, you don't get behind the wheel of your car drunk (allegedly) with your babies in tow. She was passed out with the engine running for more than an hour!

And this ain't her first scrimmage with the law. She was arrested in 2014 on domestic assault charges after police said she attacked two relatives at her home. The charges were dropped in 2018. Back in 2012, she admitted to being intoxicated in an interview following her win at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Later that year, she faced a doping scandal, and her fiancé was arrested for allegedly attacking her the day before their wedding.

Three words for you: Get. Some. Help. Or... Go. F*ck. Off.

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#1 OJ SIMPSON

If you haven't followed OJ on Twitter, you should. His DGAF is broken, and he has something to say about everything. So, he had to share his thoughts about the Oscars Slap Heard 'Round The World. He defended Will Smith. #notsurprised:

“[Will Smith] was wrong but I understand the sentiment. It was unfortunate. I think Will was wrong. Look, I understood the feeling. In my life, I’ve been through a lot of crap…every comedian in the country had an O.J. routine. Don’t think I didn’t want to slap some of those guys. You just have to accept that it’s humor.”

Really? Such level-headed advice on acceptance from a man who couldn't accept that his ex-wife moved on and maybe slapped her with a knife to death. Allegedly. This dude knows the truth, yet he's out in the streets playing all innocent about everything he's ever been in trouble for. Or went to jail for.

But thank you for still spending so much time on the golf course looking for Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman's real killer.

Men in Smack

4/1/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offender for the week ending April 1st, 2022:

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#3, #2, #1 WILL SMITH

The smack heard 'round the world has landed Mr. Smith on the list, taking all the spots. The dude who was once the go-to box office darling; the chill rapper who dropped rhymes about Summertime and Gettin' Jiggy Wit It is now the angry, cuckold man child for his stunt at the Oscars. Yeah, I said "stunt". And what a giant kitty you really are. You were laughing at Chris Rock's G.I. Jane joke. Your wife was smiling uncomfortably. After she shot you the "death stare" you casually strolled up to the stage and slapped Chris. Then you went back to your seat and swore at him. I hope Jada let you sleep in bed next to her that night. I wouldn't want to sleep in the garage, either, if I didn't jump when called to by my overbearing wife.

After not apologizing that night during your Oscar-winning acceptance speech, Will offered this:

“Violence in all of its forms is poisonous and destructive. My behavior at last night’s Academy Awards was unacceptable and inexcusable. Jokes at my expense are a part of the job, but a joke about Jada’s medical condition was too much for me to bear and I reacted emotionally. I would like to publicly apologize to you, Chris. I was out of line and I was wrong. I am embarrassed and my actions were not indicative of the man I want to be. There is no place for violence in a world of love and kindness. I deeply regret that my behavior has stained what has been an otherwise gorgeous journey for all of us.”

Blah, blah, blah.

This is just a big joke in a world where wrong is right and right is wrong. You're not sorry. Not truly. Look at all the attention you've gotten! And you won't get cancelled, cuz, it's YOU. Hollywood Star. With the quick wit you possess, you could've easily verbally shut that joke down. But now you're an emasculated laughing-stock to us real people that have made you rich.

F*ck you. And your entitlement. And your hurt little feelings. You're a disaster. There are ways to defend your loved ones, and ways to embarrass them. You put the "ass" in embarrassment. Congrats. I've got a statue for you to stick somewhere.

Rammed

3/25/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending March 25th, 2022:

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#3 SHAILENE WOODLEY and AARON RODGERS

These two fools called off their engagement, yet are back together like everything's cool. But is it? I have a feeling these two love drama. She's an actress, and he's been starring in his own soap opera in the NFL. They've been packing-on the PDA everywhere they go. But will this change once football season starts again? Because she was bitching that he spent so much time training and such for his job-- which she admitted she really didn't know what he did or who he played for. You know, things you'd want to know since you intended on marrying this dude.

Please don't reproduce.

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#2 DRAKE BELL

Josh Peck spilling the tea about his former childhood acting buddy, Drake, and why they aren't besties anymore. It all started in 2017 after Drake went on a Twitter rant because he wasn't invited to Josh's wedding.

“The dirty little secret, I guess, was like, I knew that Drake and I didn't stay in touch for the 10 years since we made the show."

Which is why there was no invite. But Drake said that he and his wife did keep in touch with Josh over the years, blah, blah, blah.

Perhaps he knew of your skeevy ways with the younger females. You know, that whole child endangerment thing you plead guilty to...

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#1 GORDON RAMSEY

While I appreciate Gordon's fierceness, he needs to slow his roll sometimes. Like in this case. He's loving the impact the pandemic has had on the hospitality industry. Because it shutdown a lot of "crap" restaurants:

It was good to "wipe the slate clean of the sh*tholes."

Meaning bad restaurants that had a good location don't have that benefit anymore and the slate is clean to begin again.

?

Dude. I get that you're a food connoisseur. But so many restaurants died. Businesses that had loyalty, good food, good value. So many people lost their dream, their income, their passion.

You know, read the room.

P.S. We liked to wipe the floor with that hair of yours...

Bachelorwhore

3/18/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending March 11th, 2022:

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#3 GRIMES

I appreciate artists. We think differently than most. But the uber-strangeness and overreaching deep-thinking of some artists is just exhausting. And stupid. For example, Grimes and her baby daddy Elon Musk have two children together. The first, a boy named X Æ A-12 (which she pronounces as “X A.I. Archangel”.) And now, the couple welcome a daughter, Exa Dark Sideræl, nicknamed Y.

She explains her daughter's name like this...

"Exa refers to a supercomputing term, exaFLOPS. Dark, represents the unknown. People fear it but truly it's the absence of photons. Dark matter is the beautiful mystery of our universe. Sideræl, the third part, is pronounced 'sigh-deer-ee-el' a more elven" spelling of sidereal, which is the true time of the universe, star time, deep space time, not our relative earth time."

Some kid at the prep school is gonna call her "Flaps" and then it's game-on...

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#2 HEIDI MONTAG

"I could sure go for raw bison heart"-- said no one EVER. Except for Heidi. She was spotted at an LA eatery recently with her sack lunch of bison heart. She says she's eating it to help with her fertility issues.

Oh, come on! Yes, in Game of Thrones Khaleesi ate a horse's heart-- but how did that turn out for her? Badly. But Heidi really wants a second baby, and thinks this will help.

"I love trying new things! I've always been very interested in various types of diets. When you think about where the most nutrients are that are bio available to humans without toxins, organs are very nutritious parts of animals. Culturally, organs are a critical part. Eating raw liver is going to preserve as many nutrients as possible."

She says she feels "incredible" on this diet. No, it's the e-coli flowing through your veins...

I. Can't.

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#1 CLAYTON ECHARD, The Bachelor

And they say we women are drama. HA HA HA HA! Oh, you men can give us a run for our money any day of the week! Case in point, The Bachelor-whore. I'll give him props for "being transparent" and "honest" with his final three ladies. But let's call you out for how you appeared on the show this season-- a man-ho ruled by his wiener. And yes, while you are on the show to "explore" your relationships, you confessed your love to all three women, and then "explored" two of them during Fantasy Suites. And you weren't so tender with your truth bomb. Like, you nuked your own truth bomb with all the bumblin' and stumblin'.

You broke the hearts of Susie and Gabby and Rachel. You were left alone in Iceland, wang in your sad hand. But Susie agreed to date you after the finale. And you two are in love. But for how long?

Hopefully, you're a one-taco man now.

Ye-st Infection

3/11/2022

Let's raise our slap hand and get this thing done!

Offenders for the week ending March 11th, 2022:

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#3 TRAVIS SCOTT

Just because you're grown doesn't mean you should stop having fun. But, as grown people, responsibilities come first. Like raising your children-- especially a new baby. His newest offspring, one-month-old Wolf, hasn't spent much time with his daddy because daddy can't stop livin' the party life. And momma Kylie Jenner has put her well-pedicured foot down! An insider said...

“This is a very important time in their life, and she needs him now more than ever. Travis has been incredibly supportive throughout Kylie’s pregnancy, and she still wants him to be there morning, noon, and night. Kylie gets that he’ll have work obligations or appearances, but other than that she wants him home for the time being.”

And not let his wang-o-matic lead him astray.

Travis. We know you're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you're not a butter knife. Don't be an idiot.

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#2 ALEC BALDWIN

This arrogant, angry piece of f&ck is actually throwing shade at some of the people who've filed lawsuits against him over the deadly shooting on the "Rust" movie set. He decided to break out the oak branches while speaking at the Boulder International Film Festival in Colorado. He snuck this gem in:

“What you have is a certain group of people, litigants and whatever, on whatever side, who their attitude is, ‘Well, the people who likely seem negligent have no money and the people who have money are not negligent. But we're not gonna let that stop us from doing what we need to do in terms of litigation.' Why sue people if you're not going to get money? That's what you're doing it for.”

Because the victims' families need some kind of compensation that won't make up for what was taken from them. Also, if I cause a car accident that kills someone I can be charged with manslaughter-- even though I didn't intentionally kill someone, my actions did cause someone else's death.

I'm not saying you're in the wrong or in the right. But you should really STFU and keep a low profile until things work their way through the system. I really wouldn't walk around playing the victim, but then again, I don't reek of water and vinegar like you do.

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#1 KANYE WEST

There aren't enough slaps in the world for this fool. Because he can't help but act like a petulant child. Another week, another round of harassing Pete Davidson. I get that we all don't get his attraction. I mean, Pete looks like Powder, but apparently carries a big stick. You need to grow up and realize that your wife, Kim Kardashian, left you-- and she wants nothing to do with you romantically ever again.

Kanye's latest offense? In his newest music video for the tune "Eazy", he appears to behead a Claymation rendition of Pete. Props to Pete for laughing it off on the socials, but come on, Kanye! He claims he's just expressing his "art""

"Art is therapy just like this view. Art is protected as freedom of speech. Art inspires and simplifies the world. Art is not a proxy for any ill or harm."

Sigh.

Nobody's looking at you like an artist. Perhaps another word that starts with "ass" and ends in "hole."

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What a Dick

Not Wonderful

Fixer

Vamping Vampires

Second Chance

Clown of Sunset

Men in Smack

Rammed

Bachelorwhore

Ye-st Infection

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