OFFENSE: Whiny little girl
In a recent interview with Variety magazine, Shia bemoans his lot in life. He said:
"The craft of acting for film is terribly exclusive and comes with the baggage of celebrity, which robs you of your individuality and separates you."
He then followed with this gem:
"The requirements to being a star/celebrity are namely, you must become an enslaved body. Just flesh – a commodity, and renounce all autonomous qualities in order to identify with the general law of obedience to the course of things. The star is a byproduct of the machine age, a relic of modernist ideals. It's outmoded."
If celebrity is so outmoded, then why are you trying to remain one? And what's the deal with the big words? The only one you're impressing is yourself. You're no big thinker. You're a big weener. And not the Friday-night fun type. Instead, you're the ween you find in the bottom of the fridge meat drawer that even the dog wants nothing to do with. Waaaaaa!
Albert The Dog says: "You sure smell like a pussy... cat."
OFFENSE: Nasty drunk
The only reason she remains on the reality show is because she's a hot mess. And after a season of her lashing out, incoherent ramblings, and denials about hittin' the bottle again, guess what? Beyotch got arrested for... public intoxication and cursing at and kicking a police officer.
Nice. But you're not a drunk.
The former child actress has been to rehab a few times, and claims she wasn't even drinking the night of her arrest. Sure. Maybe she has an IV of vodka strapped on. You'd think Puppy-Dog-Sad-Eyes would do anything she could to remain sober, since her adult kids have said they would disown her if she screwed up again.
So, here's the slap you so desperately need. Mind who your friends are; stay away from the bottle; and wake the f*ck up!
Albert The Dog says: "You look like a nice Shar-Pei. Oh, your face looks like one. Sorry!"
OFFENSE: Sack chef
The Food Network star and chef is splitting with his wife of eight years, actress Stephanie March, after it was revealed that Bobby has a palate for "strange"... dishes. It's been uncovered that he's been makin' nice with a gaggle of women for some time, including his assistant-- a skank who was able to climb the "rooster" ladder. She started as a hostess at one of his restaurants before becoming his assistant in 2008. Well, she is good at dictation and a master of oral notes.
Apparently, he suffers from Loose-Trouser-Snakeitis, or the inability to keep his fruit bowl contained. I guess he doesn't care about his divorce, because he has a pre-nup. And it has no adultery clause in it. Lucky you.
Thanks for whippin' up that Crockpot of Lies and Deception. Do you serve that over noodles? In your case, I'm sure you serve it over some young tramp's buns.
Albert The Dog says: "I want to scoot my butt on your face... but you'd probably like it."
Shia LeBeouf https://www.flickr.com/photos/dodnewsfeatures/
Kim Richards https://www.flickr.com/photos/127186098@N06/
Bobby Flay https://www.flickr.com/photos/jseattle/